In God I trust! He but me on this planet for a second time!
Now, I am learning about myself and my handicaps...
I do not love myself, I have deep contempt for myself. It was not always so, it was after the bulling, it was after being thrown away by my parents.
I could not protect myself as a boy or teenager, I had no support! nothing! on any side. I finally collapsed inward onto myself! I could not protect the walls around me! I did not have enough strength on my own. I do not believe anyone does.
The privilege class believes it is a God given right! Yet, they worked for nothing, the ability to be safe in their environment was given to them... and is the difference. They are not raped every night, or thrown away from society! They do not suffer from mass PTSD problems that hostage there nervous systems on a daily basis.
Societies are organized murder, and they create well meaning, smiling, God fearing murderers... the perfect sociopaths to go to church and sip coke at the country club. No conscious; nothing to worry about! Its that easy! We will create the perfect family, However, if one of the kids tries to be themselves and not the system, they are gone for ever! "We worship the system!" "There will be no individual awareness on our block!"
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How do I love myself. I must work my way into a new way of thinking! So, what is that work that I need be doing? Well, I have been doing allot of it, and its been paying off. However, My self esteem is low! something is keeping me down. Im worried about what others think of me! I am dissociating. I have dissociative disorder.. It is getting better, or Im getting closer to the root of it!
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I am waking up! I have contempt for myself and you and everyone and everything breathing. Im interested in learning how to get rid of this contempt, as I have people that want in; they like me and would like to get close to me, therefore, I understand that I need to change, and others in the world do want to connect to me! Im not alone.
I need help letting go! Im working in both camps; satan s and Gods. Im in Satan s camp to stay safe. Im in Gods camp because its right!
I need Gods help to get the defenses down so I can let go of satan and his minions. I have been convinced that if I let go of satan I will be without goods and my life will be worthless and I will die, And I have all these friends that I had in the world, and I don't want to be alone! it is so hard. So insecure and lonely!
I have contempt for God and his kingdom! I am jealous of him and hate him! I wish I was the king. I do not like being under the rule of a king. I want to be the king! or the court jester, it does not matter!
I love God, I have contempt for myself, for him, for everything...
Not for him, I know its not his fault! who's fault is it?
Anyway! Im working!
----------------------------------------------------
I think of all the abuse and lies I went through. My whole childhood was a lie! I did not know. I was in a huge fantasy bond that protected me from the outside world. However, part of me always knew the outside world was gnashing of teeth and darkness. Now Im attempting to grow; to look back into that fantasy bond to see the truth...
The people Im around believe they are manipulating me as if on a chess board. They believe they have control of me! They do not! I need to go deeper into who I am and move on at some point.
I am still very dissociative and have much work to do, to figure things out!
I cannot have relationships until I get things figured out!
As I continue to work on things, people are treating me like viscous dogs; its like being attacked by a Steven King movie made in a small town. All small town personality traits. I suppose I am to deal with these small town personalities, as these were the same I knew growing up. Im fixing the past through these people and they knew it and refuse to help; However, they cant stop me! they know they are getting left behind, they are angry about it!
Now, I am learning about myself and my handicaps...
I do not love myself, I have deep contempt for myself. It was not always so, it was after the bulling, it was after being thrown away by my parents.
I could not protect myself as a boy or teenager, I had no support! nothing! on any side. I finally collapsed inward onto myself! I could not protect the walls around me! I did not have enough strength on my own. I do not believe anyone does.
The privilege class believes it is a God given right! Yet, they worked for nothing, the ability to be safe in their environment was given to them... and is the difference. They are not raped every night, or thrown away from society! They do not suffer from mass PTSD problems that hostage there nervous systems on a daily basis.
Societies are organized murder, and they create well meaning, smiling, God fearing murderers... the perfect sociopaths to go to church and sip coke at the country club. No conscious; nothing to worry about! Its that easy! We will create the perfect family, However, if one of the kids tries to be themselves and not the system, they are gone for ever! "We worship the system!" "There will be no individual awareness on our block!"
---------
How do I love myself. I must work my way into a new way of thinking! So, what is that work that I need be doing? Well, I have been doing allot of it, and its been paying off. However, My self esteem is low! something is keeping me down. Im worried about what others think of me! I am dissociating. I have dissociative disorder.. It is getting better, or Im getting closer to the root of it!
-------------
I am waking up! I have contempt for myself and you and everyone and everything breathing. Im interested in learning how to get rid of this contempt, as I have people that want in; they like me and would like to get close to me, therefore, I understand that I need to change, and others in the world do want to connect to me! Im not alone.
I need help letting go! Im working in both camps; satan s and Gods. Im in Satan s camp to stay safe. Im in Gods camp because its right!
I need Gods help to get the defenses down so I can let go of satan and his minions. I have been convinced that if I let go of satan I will be without goods and my life will be worthless and I will die, And I have all these friends that I had in the world, and I don't want to be alone! it is so hard. So insecure and lonely!
I have contempt for God and his kingdom! I am jealous of him and hate him! I wish I was the king. I do not like being under the rule of a king. I want to be the king! or the court jester, it does not matter!
I love God, I have contempt for myself, for him, for everything...
Not for him, I know its not his fault! who's fault is it?
Anyway! Im working!
----------------------------------------------------
I think of all the abuse and lies I went through. My whole childhood was a lie! I did not know. I was in a huge fantasy bond that protected me from the outside world. However, part of me always knew the outside world was gnashing of teeth and darkness. Now Im attempting to grow; to look back into that fantasy bond to see the truth...
The people Im around believe they are manipulating me as if on a chess board. They believe they have control of me! They do not! I need to go deeper into who I am and move on at some point.
I am still very dissociative and have much work to do, to figure things out!
I cannot have relationships until I get things figured out!
As I continue to work on things, people are treating me like viscous dogs; its like being attacked by a Steven King movie made in a small town. All small town personality traits. I suppose I am to deal with these small town personalities, as these were the same I knew growing up. Im fixing the past through these people and they knew it and refuse to help; However, they cant stop me! they know they are getting left behind, they are angry about it!
