With my anxiety disorder, Im not sure what I will or won't be when I grow up. Im in a mental strait jacket!
Im so alone! its to much anxiety to get started on or with something; as I end up alone. The alone is what kills me! ITs sad, and brings up neglect and sad: Memories that will never be again unless God says so!
Its the love I had for my parents who never were. What ever I created about them never existed. And this is a nightmare of large measure.
They were sycophant sociopaths! Strangers. I have memories of being and feeling safe when I was never safe; I was never really safe in reality! and the memories I had were false. False in the sense; No one really noticed or cared about me in anyway. I was a complete stranger. I was being used as an object the whole time. Then I was thrown away. Now I would like to be safe and forget about them and where I came from, and the phony losers I used to visit as a boy in that fake neighborhood. I had not Idea I was in a fake neighborhood. It was phony and fake.
Both the house owners were looking for ways out that they could move on to other things!
I could have been killed. I never knew all of this at the time. I tried to make a life out of my life and it was all taken away and ruined. I was destroyed.
Now; when ever I try to move in any direct; its all rage.
Everything is so empty and alone. If I would have had the love, maybe I could have done something. How do I move without the love. And I prey about this all the time to God. This is where I need most help from God. I feel like I want to guilt ransom God. If he loved me he would help me! Or he would let me know Im Ok as is. Or let me be.
I do not want to live or stay on this planet in lonely limbo! I do not want to be a throw away or a cast out forever.
I never knew I was hated and despised by those around me when I was young. Not one person cared who I was! no one! and I thought they did. I thought I was safe or loved. I thought others were as I am! I never could have been so wrong.
I was not accepted or liked by anyone. Most would have never wanted me around in the first place. I never knew this! I was hated.
I was the best person out of all of them; I had the best character. And I feel so horrible; taken advantage of! Used and thrown away.
The neighborhood I cherished and claimed to be such a wonderful nice upper middle class experience turns out to be a satanic nightmare of fakes; I call them murderers.
These people were rich snobs and nothing more. Closed doors with money on their minds; people had no value to people; not real people, only rich people. I never knew I would be thrown out! or thrown away!
As soon as my parents left the neighborhood I was thrown away or thrown out as if I had never lived there. I was forgotten. It was the most horrible thing I could have ever imagined. and yet, I would be going throw many more horrible unimaginable things and nightmares. And I will not come out of it. I will be permanently disabled from it! My mind will be ruined and ruptured. My nervous system will be ruined and start acting with disorders. This is what happens when one is exposed to murderers.
I do not know if I am better now! I don't know. I am different. The loneliness remains.
Im not sure who I am or where Im going! God must help me with this. I was an artistic person and would like to pursue this again; only with Gods help! I could not move with out his direction.
The people I grew up with were satanic. and the friend thought I had were Godless murderers that listened to Christian tapes all day long! They had has much God in them as a turkey has 9 lives at Thanksgiving. And this is making light of it! I never knew! I just wanted to die most of those years...
Im so alone! its to much anxiety to get started on or with something; as I end up alone. The alone is what kills me! ITs sad, and brings up neglect and sad: Memories that will never be again unless God says so!
Its the love I had for my parents who never were. What ever I created about them never existed. And this is a nightmare of large measure.
They were sycophant sociopaths! Strangers. I have memories of being and feeling safe when I was never safe; I was never really safe in reality! and the memories I had were false. False in the sense; No one really noticed or cared about me in anyway. I was a complete stranger. I was being used as an object the whole time. Then I was thrown away. Now I would like to be safe and forget about them and where I came from, and the phony losers I used to visit as a boy in that fake neighborhood. I had not Idea I was in a fake neighborhood. It was phony and fake.
Both the house owners were looking for ways out that they could move on to other things!
I could have been killed. I never knew all of this at the time. I tried to make a life out of my life and it was all taken away and ruined. I was destroyed.
Now; when ever I try to move in any direct; its all rage.
Everything is so empty and alone. If I would have had the love, maybe I could have done something. How do I move without the love. And I prey about this all the time to God. This is where I need most help from God. I feel like I want to guilt ransom God. If he loved me he would help me! Or he would let me know Im Ok as is. Or let me be.
I do not want to live or stay on this planet in lonely limbo! I do not want to be a throw away or a cast out forever.
I never knew I was hated and despised by those around me when I was young. Not one person cared who I was! no one! and I thought they did. I thought I was safe or loved. I thought others were as I am! I never could have been so wrong.
I was not accepted or liked by anyone. Most would have never wanted me around in the first place. I never knew this! I was hated.
I was the best person out of all of them; I had the best character. And I feel so horrible; taken advantage of! Used and thrown away.
The neighborhood I cherished and claimed to be such a wonderful nice upper middle class experience turns out to be a satanic nightmare of fakes; I call them murderers.
These people were rich snobs and nothing more. Closed doors with money on their minds; people had no value to people; not real people, only rich people. I never knew I would be thrown out! or thrown away!
As soon as my parents left the neighborhood I was thrown away or thrown out as if I had never lived there. I was forgotten. It was the most horrible thing I could have ever imagined. and yet, I would be going throw many more horrible unimaginable things and nightmares. And I will not come out of it. I will be permanently disabled from it! My mind will be ruined and ruptured. My nervous system will be ruined and start acting with disorders. This is what happens when one is exposed to murderers.
I do not know if I am better now! I don't know. I am different. The loneliness remains.
Im not sure who I am or where Im going! God must help me with this. I was an artistic person and would like to pursue this again; only with Gods help! I could not move with out his direction.
The people I grew up with were satanic. and the friend thought I had were Godless murderers that listened to Christian tapes all day long! They had has much God in them as a turkey has 9 lives at Thanksgiving. And this is making light of it! I never knew! I just wanted to die most of those years...
