They say that the truth will set you free. I don't think I truly believed that until today. I've been trying to uncover the truth about why I haven't been able to lose weight and keep it off, and I think I have finally figured it out.
My first "mental block" is my mother's comments about me being anorexic. I had just gotten out of boot camp (partly because I couldn't lose enough weight and was considered "fat") and was in the best shape of my life. I weighed 145 pounds, wore a size 9/10 and looked good. I even had collar bones! I ate well (instead of the crap my family ate) and worked out most days. Yet, my mother said I looked anorexic. I am very sensitive to my parents' criticism, and I want to please them whenever possible. I think I have it set in my mind that if I lose weight again by eating well and exercising, I will be judged as having an eating disorder. THIS IS A LIE! The truth is that I was healthy and I worked hard to look like that. You couldn't see all my bones, nor was I too thin. This affects me now because I have believed this lie for 20 years and have let my mother's criticism keep me from living my life to it's fullest. It affects me now because the weight I have kept on has most likely affected my ability to have children. By eating nutritious food and exercising, I will be healthy and will be better able to maintain a "normal" size and weight. I will most likely live longer, stave off numerous inherited diseases, and be more active and quite possibly enjoy life more. And I might just end up with a baby!
My second "mental block" is Jeff's criticism that if I go to the gym to work out, men will hit on me. Before we married, I worked out - I walked / ran and I lifted weights. I looked pretty good, and felt great. Then I met Jeff, who projected his cheating onto me. I guess he thought that if he kept me fat, nobody else would want me and I would remain under his control. I think I now believe that if I start working out to lose weight, Roger will have the same jealous feelings. THIS IS A LIE! The truth is that Jeff was the one cheating - not me. This affects me now because I have avoided losing weight for the past 7 years to avoid making DH jealous of other men. DH has said on numerous occasions that he will love me and trust me no matter what size I am. I finally believe him. By working out, I will be healthier, lose weight, and quite possibly improve my fertility.
My third "mental block" is men in my past who have hit on my when I'm "skinny" and not when I'm "fat". Most of my adult life, it seems that men have hit on me when only when I'm closer to a "normal" weight. And it's true! This has led me to believe that anyone who loves me when I'm "fat" must truly love me, and anyone who likes me when I'm "skinny" only wants me for sex. THIS IS A LIE! The truth is that my self-esteem attracted men, not just my shape. This affects me now because I let this lie keep me in fear that DH will only want me for sex if I lose weight - that he will treat me like an object like all those men in my past. DH desires me now - A LOT! I don't know that he will desire me more if I lose weight. And if he does, maybe it will lead to a better and happier marriage?
My first "mental block" is my mother's comments about me being anorexic. I had just gotten out of boot camp (partly because I couldn't lose enough weight and was considered "fat") and was in the best shape of my life. I weighed 145 pounds, wore a size 9/10 and looked good. I even had collar bones! I ate well (instead of the crap my family ate) and worked out most days. Yet, my mother said I looked anorexic. I am very sensitive to my parents' criticism, and I want to please them whenever possible. I think I have it set in my mind that if I lose weight again by eating well and exercising, I will be judged as having an eating disorder. THIS IS A LIE! The truth is that I was healthy and I worked hard to look like that. You couldn't see all my bones, nor was I too thin. This affects me now because I have believed this lie for 20 years and have let my mother's criticism keep me from living my life to it's fullest. It affects me now because the weight I have kept on has most likely affected my ability to have children. By eating nutritious food and exercising, I will be healthy and will be better able to maintain a "normal" size and weight. I will most likely live longer, stave off numerous inherited diseases, and be more active and quite possibly enjoy life more. And I might just end up with a baby!
My second "mental block" is Jeff's criticism that if I go to the gym to work out, men will hit on me. Before we married, I worked out - I walked / ran and I lifted weights. I looked pretty good, and felt great. Then I met Jeff, who projected his cheating onto me. I guess he thought that if he kept me fat, nobody else would want me and I would remain under his control. I think I now believe that if I start working out to lose weight, Roger will have the same jealous feelings. THIS IS A LIE! The truth is that Jeff was the one cheating - not me. This affects me now because I have avoided losing weight for the past 7 years to avoid making DH jealous of other men. DH has said on numerous occasions that he will love me and trust me no matter what size I am. I finally believe him. By working out, I will be healthier, lose weight, and quite possibly improve my fertility.
My third "mental block" is men in my past who have hit on my when I'm "skinny" and not when I'm "fat". Most of my adult life, it seems that men have hit on me when only when I'm closer to a "normal" weight. And it's true! This has led me to believe that anyone who loves me when I'm "fat" must truly love me, and anyone who likes me when I'm "skinny" only wants me for sex. THIS IS A LIE! The truth is that my self-esteem attracted men, not just my shape. This affects me now because I let this lie keep me in fear that DH will only want me for sex if I lose weight - that he will treat me like an object like all those men in my past. DH desires me now - A LOT! I don't know that he will desire me more if I lose weight. And if he does, maybe it will lead to a better and happier marriage?
