The Question... Who Am I ?
21 March 2013
I didn't realize the date until I typed it, my beloved wife passed away very unexpectedly five years ago today. Somehow the title seems most appropiate in light of the day. Genevieve always knew there was a woman, or a feminine spirt, within me and she taught by her example how to carry yourself as a lady. Can't say I have always done it but I did know how I should carry myself. Thank you Genevieve for all your life lessons, they have served me well. There is a question, at times almost a haunting, that is always running just beneath surface like the undercurrent of a river.It isn't a questionb that is soley unique to transgendered people but is ommomn to most men and women, being trans just clouds the issue a more. Who am I? What am I? and why am I? If I ever manage to firmly lay hold of the first question the second and third will almost answer themselves.When I first awaken in the morning I KNOW I am Charlena, a daughter of the Most High God and a woman. Then I arise to take my morning shower and as I remove my robe I see my reflection in the mirror and all the accusations and doubts start their daily assault. I may be a beautiful woman within and when I am dressed I may be completely accepted as a woman in public but I still know the frustrating and potentially embarassing secret I carry beneath my clothing. I know with my whole being that I was created this way by a loving Father but sometimes it gets so disheartening to live this way. I have counted the costs and paid those plus many unexpected ones on this my journey into womanhood and yet at times the prize seems so elusive. I am not referring to SRS or gender markers but rather that place deep within my heart where I can just rest from my struggles and freely embrace my identity. When I step into the shower the situation is compounded by all thse extra things we, as trans women, need to do in order to pass social and personal muster. The joy of packing away my wigs several years ago was replaced with the reality of maintaing my own hair and hairstyle on a daily basis. After four years makeup is pretty much down to a science but there is always that inner drive to look more natural and feminine than yesterday. The days of short, short dresses and heels have been replaced by a much more practical and comfortable wardrobe but there is still that everpresent desire to look both nice and, I hate this phrase, age appropiate. It seems as if most of my life as woman has been a case of playing catch up and redeeming the lost years.
There are times I awaken and look beside me in bed to find my second wife, Myralee, sleeping peacefully and my heart warms just knowing she is there. It opens up a whole new set of doubts to deal with and most are based on my religious upbringing. She is a transexual like myself so I guess in the eyes of most organized religions I am deemed a sinner or reprobate and I have had to battle this feeling often. WHAT I DO KNOW IS THAT WHAT i FEEL IN MY HEART FOR HER IS THE SAME AS FOR MY FIRST WIFE. I don't understand it but then I didn't understand it the first time around either. Daddy brought each of them into my life exactly when I needed them most. I know that a lot of folks will be offended by our relationship though in reality we are like most couples as far as intimacy is concerned. I used to see everything in black or white for so many years and in retrospect I wonder why we try to live in black and white in a world that God has filled with endless colors. We find ourselves trying to live by standards others try to impose on us and at at the end of the day we usually are exhausted from the struggle and feeling like failures. I once, in another personna, had dreams of doing great things for God and His people and now most of these people won't even acknowledge my existence or right to live my own life.The fact that I have faced all these struggles aren't that unique, most people have the same battles of varying degrees These just happen to be mine. Well I guess after all is said and done I am just a woman trying to live life on her own terms and in a way that pleases and blesses the Father who created her. Who knows maybe that is the whole sum of each of our lives and that isn't a bad thing at all. Be Blessed and may you rest each evening in the confidence of knwing you are loved unconditionally and eternally by the One who created you.
Charlena Marie ANdrews-Hayes
