It's been a long three years since I was last at CF. Well, I have been back off and on, but not really on a committed basis and now that I'm here, I don't know. Something feels different...in a good way. Like God wants me here.
I have to admit that the last time I was here and on staff, a lot of bad things happened. I wasn't really right in my walk with God. I was dealing with my father's death, a horrible breakup with my fiance, I was just about homeless...I really was at the bottom and my faith in God suffered.
At one point I was a chaplain here at CF and I messed up that opportunity so badly. I don't think I'll ever be trusted to that level again, but now things are so much better in my life. Really. So. Much. Better.
I cannot describe to you, unless you've been in my shoes, the amazing grace of God. So many people wonder why God allows His people to sink to the bottom until you've hit the brick wall and you had a realization that things need to change and change right now.
It was about two months ago that I realized I had shoved God out of my life, then sat back and wondered where He was and why my life was so black. There was no light whatsoever.
I was addicted to painkillers because I have a bad back and knee and when I realized how wonderful they made me feel, I had to take more and more just to keep up the same level of high.
I was addicted to food. I ballooned to well over 600 pounds at my worst. I don't even remember those times when my friend was reaching out to me to help, but I slapped his hand away.
But it finally came to a head. I was laying on my bed and looking up at my ceiling and told God that He was all I had left. I had nothing but Him. He was all I really wanted.
And man do I feel like the prodigal son! I feel like getting up and dancing! I've lost 120 pounds. I gave up painkillers and have been off for awhile now. Life is so good!
I prayed again a month and a half ago and asked God to make Himself real to me. I was really serious and speaking to Him in a tone I never had before...like I was pleading. I wanted Him to be real to me and I wanted to do ministry.
Doing ministry, essentially, is all I have left in this world. I got a book published and was well into writing my second one which I had no doubt would be successful, but it wasn't a Godly book at all. I was writing, reading and watching horror movies because it, in a way, did something to me that made me feel good. But it was counterfeit good. It did nothing but harm me. I was having nightmares and seeing things at night. I would swear that I was surrounded by demons and they kept me down mentally and physically.
I spoke with my pastor and he anointed me with oil and a few people prayed over me and I feel...I can't describe it. Liberated? Free?
I don't know if the timeline of things I just mentioned makes any sense or not, but that's okay. Things seem like a big blur to me. But I asked God to open doors and windows for me to return to ministry.
I started a prayer ministry on Facebook called "Impact Prayer Ministries" and it has (as of last checking) had 215 members!! I am shocked at the number of people God has allowed me to minister to.
The whole idea of the online ministry is to impact people's lives through prayer, love and encouragement and it's going really well. At the same time, I felt as if God brought me back to CF with a burden on my heart to serve and pray.
I'm not sure the things God has planned for me here, but I'm back and I'm so excited about the amazing things that are possible!
I have to admit that the last time I was here and on staff, a lot of bad things happened. I wasn't really right in my walk with God. I was dealing with my father's death, a horrible breakup with my fiance, I was just about homeless...I really was at the bottom and my faith in God suffered.
At one point I was a chaplain here at CF and I messed up that opportunity so badly. I don't think I'll ever be trusted to that level again, but now things are so much better in my life. Really. So. Much. Better.
I cannot describe to you, unless you've been in my shoes, the amazing grace of God. So many people wonder why God allows His people to sink to the bottom until you've hit the brick wall and you had a realization that things need to change and change right now.
It was about two months ago that I realized I had shoved God out of my life, then sat back and wondered where He was and why my life was so black. There was no light whatsoever.
I was addicted to painkillers because I have a bad back and knee and when I realized how wonderful they made me feel, I had to take more and more just to keep up the same level of high.
I was addicted to food. I ballooned to well over 600 pounds at my worst. I don't even remember those times when my friend was reaching out to me to help, but I slapped his hand away.
But it finally came to a head. I was laying on my bed and looking up at my ceiling and told God that He was all I had left. I had nothing but Him. He was all I really wanted.
And man do I feel like the prodigal son! I feel like getting up and dancing! I've lost 120 pounds. I gave up painkillers and have been off for awhile now. Life is so good!
I prayed again a month and a half ago and asked God to make Himself real to me. I was really serious and speaking to Him in a tone I never had before...like I was pleading. I wanted Him to be real to me and I wanted to do ministry.
Doing ministry, essentially, is all I have left in this world. I got a book published and was well into writing my second one which I had no doubt would be successful, but it wasn't a Godly book at all. I was writing, reading and watching horror movies because it, in a way, did something to me that made me feel good. But it was counterfeit good. It did nothing but harm me. I was having nightmares and seeing things at night. I would swear that I was surrounded by demons and they kept me down mentally and physically.
I spoke with my pastor and he anointed me with oil and a few people prayed over me and I feel...I can't describe it. Liberated? Free?
I don't know if the timeline of things I just mentioned makes any sense or not, but that's okay. Things seem like a big blur to me. But I asked God to open doors and windows for me to return to ministry.
I started a prayer ministry on Facebook called "Impact Prayer Ministries" and it has (as of last checking) had 215 members!! I am shocked at the number of people God has allowed me to minister to.
The whole idea of the online ministry is to impact people's lives through prayer, love and encouragement and it's going really well. At the same time, I felt as if God brought me back to CF with a burden on my heart to serve and pray.
I'm not sure the things God has planned for me here, but I'm back and I'm so excited about the amazing things that are possible!
