I know that many may not read this or some may think this is crazy, but for those who do read and understand, I ask for prayers.
The prodigal life is very difficult and the way home is not easy. It can take time, years and effort. I pray everyday for forgiveness but living in a constant state of sin is difficult to feel forgiveness. I may be close to the time where I do leave my significant other and have to start all over again, but after three years that is going to be very difficult.
What makes it so difficult? I'm gay. I grew up in a christian home, but in 2010 I came out and my life has never been the same since. Every person has a weakness and this was mine.
Some people can fall and ask God to forgive them, but not be in a constant state of sin. Not me. I live with my partner and my partner doesn't understand the turmoil that I go through. I give her credit for trying, but lately we've been having trouble. I'm to the point where I want to end the relationship but I don't know how to survive without her either. She's been my support and back bone for three years and picking up and leaving right now in my state of mind and mental health can be detrimental to my own life. I have no where to go and no sustainable income. She's been there for me for years while I go through mental health issues that have plagued me since I came out.
But what am I trying to say? The life of a prodigal daughter... not one for the faint of heart. I didn't lose friends along the way or spend my last dime on wine or party, but instead I've invested in a life with someone that my soul tells me I can't be with, yet my heart loves. Also I find no peace in any avenue. I tried reconciling my faith with my identity, but sadly I still feel the pang of guilt and unrest in my soul. So where do I go from here? Hell? many may say so, but in my heart I still feel God has a plan for me. His mercy is still there. I see his hand still in my life despite my feelings. God I wonder what brave soul has the courage to read all of this, but who ever you are, thank you. This is an outlet for me. I'm trying to figure things out and I'm praying to God for so much help and a way out. My soul just can't find peace. The peace it's seeking.
I feel at times like I'm on a bench in a park talking to God about my mess, but getting nowhere. I wish I was stronger.
The prodigal life is very difficult and the way home is not easy. It can take time, years and effort. I pray everyday for forgiveness but living in a constant state of sin is difficult to feel forgiveness. I may be close to the time where I do leave my significant other and have to start all over again, but after three years that is going to be very difficult.
What makes it so difficult? I'm gay. I grew up in a christian home, but in 2010 I came out and my life has never been the same since. Every person has a weakness and this was mine.
Some people can fall and ask God to forgive them, but not be in a constant state of sin. Not me. I live with my partner and my partner doesn't understand the turmoil that I go through. I give her credit for trying, but lately we've been having trouble. I'm to the point where I want to end the relationship but I don't know how to survive without her either. She's been my support and back bone for three years and picking up and leaving right now in my state of mind and mental health can be detrimental to my own life. I have no where to go and no sustainable income. She's been there for me for years while I go through mental health issues that have plagued me since I came out.
But what am I trying to say? The life of a prodigal daughter... not one for the faint of heart. I didn't lose friends along the way or spend my last dime on wine or party, but instead I've invested in a life with someone that my soul tells me I can't be with, yet my heart loves. Also I find no peace in any avenue. I tried reconciling my faith with my identity, but sadly I still feel the pang of guilt and unrest in my soul. So where do I go from here? Hell? many may say so, but in my heart I still feel God has a plan for me. His mercy is still there. I see his hand still in my life despite my feelings. God I wonder what brave soul has the courage to read all of this, but who ever you are, thank you. This is an outlet for me. I'm trying to figure things out and I'm praying to God for so much help and a way out. My soul just can't find peace. The peace it's seeking.
I feel at times like I'm on a bench in a park talking to God about my mess, but getting nowhere. I wish I was stronger.
