The problem with Rejection...and Denial
4 March 2013.
Well I will start with the good news, on this date in 2009 in the wee hours of the morning I was awakened to Charlie,my former false persona abdicating the throne of my life and running to parts unknown never to be seen again. Charlena my true self assumed her rightful place and my life has been a beautiful though sometimes painful journey. Had been out for not quite a year but the constant inner struggle between the two was tearing me asunder emotionally. I haven't a clue what triggered the final step but I am extremely thankful it finally came to pass.Secondly I have mixed news, A good wife is hard to find but be aware that she will become a mirror into your very soul if you choose to allow such a privilege. I chose wisely and though it is painful and humblimg at times I will never regret my choice. Now for the main subject matter at hand.
There are places in our hearts and memories where we lock away events in our lives we don't wish to admit or confront. Being raised a good christian I knew not hold resentments or unforgiveness, I was taught that my entire life and practice it regularly. The problem is we aren't really taught how to deal with the memories that are left behind. To admit they are still there is almost akin to admitting a failure to deal with them in the first place. I could detail a list of several pages of such incidences as could most people. My haunting ones are more recent and include the sudden and quite tragic loss of a wife and son 3 months apart in 2007 & 2008, being alienated from my sons and their families and my siblings upon becomig my true self in 2009. Surprisingly the one that has affected me the most was the rejection by the leadership and chuch family I was an intricate part of coupled with their judgement I was unfit to minister there and was probably damned to hell, or worse. I know Joshua and Genevieve didn't reject me, they were just called home and I have come to terms with that-sorta. My family wounded me much deeper than I ever would have imagined and in all honesty it is an ongoing struggle for obvious reasons. And then comes the "christians" who, above all have been brutal at times and condescending at others but always negative, not all christians but a very large percentage.. I have declared my forgiveness to all of these people repeatedly however I never dealt with the rejection that was hidden deep inside me festering like a cancer, robbing me of life and true joy. Myralee during one of our many early morning conversations quietly proclaimed" They really hurt you bad in the church", and FINALLY I had to face up to the facts. Over 4 years in denial of that fact had invaded so many areas of life that it was probably visible to everyone but me. It just didn't fit into my personal philosophy of life, how could the God of Love sit idly by and allow such a travesty against one of His own children? The reality is He was waiting on me, I was holding on to it so tightly I wouldn't release it to Him or Her to deal with and heal my heart. These times were like decorations on my emotional uniform from battles I had been in and they helped validate my struggles in my journey to womanhood. My whole life as Charlena has been lived looking through filters left by these hurts. All my counselling, good advice, prayers and view of the future are distorted because of these filters and I am the one who embraced them. I go to church now and deal internally with questions concerning my brothers' and sisters' true feelings and intent as if I was the God of Judgeent. Everything becomes suspect in this kind of distorted world. I see my trans sisters around me and silently wonder if they have hidden agendas and are just using me. I feel like I am being used even within my own home due to others' inability to pick up after themselves and yet I put on the phony smile and go about the housework I truly enjoy. I have been an ardent worshipper most of my adult life and when Genevieve and Johua died I was devastated. My choice was to go deep into worship whenever possible, it was my way of avoiding dealing with the pain and mourning I desperately needed to address. By the time I came out in 2009 I had become a professional at denial and masking the pains with worship and that is exactly what I did. It is now 4 years since coming out and FINALLY I am coming face to face with the results of my denial. I question the motives and hidden agendas of all those around me, my emotions are a scrambled mess from being compressed into a corner in my heart and are finally rebelling against their confinement.
Karen shared a message at church Sunday that went from Daddy's heart directly to mine. The overview was "Step back ( from all the trappings and circumstances in your life until you get to the core-your true being), Be still ( and wait quietly upon Daddy), Open up (To the real you and the strength that comes with that knowledge) and finally to stay open and not regress backwards into the place you have just come from. Thanks Karen for being so sensitive to the Holy Spirit's leading. This post is a humble declaration of my accountabilty and a profession of faith and belief that Daddy will lead me into a place of wholeness and healing and cause me to walk in true joy and transparency in the future. May you be blessed in all you set your heart to and may you find a place of wholeness and healing in your lives as well.
Charlena Marie Andrews-Hayes
