It's been awhile since I posted last. A lot's happened in that time. Another lifetime of storms have hit in that time.
The weekend of February 21, I had to move. The kids and I packed up and moved a 1700 sq ft home in three days. It was hell. It is still hell. One dog went to stay a town away. The other is with me for now. My son now stays all the time with his dad. My daughter now stays all the time on campus. Our cat went to my sister-in-law's house, then promptly disappeared. I'm staying with my mom in a tiny, tiny, cramped, cluttered house where I have a bed and not even a full bedroom to myself. I'm living out of boxes, bags, and the only piece of my former life I have is my daughter's dog, who is with me. My mom and I get along fine...when we're not living together.
I feel let down by God. Dropped. Misled. I feel foolish for all the nights I prayed over our home, over our pets, over my kids, over my future, my money situation, my job situation...all of these things were allowed to be broken, taken, and I can't help but wonder where did those prayers go? Why did I even spend so much time on my face, in tears, grappling with my fear and worry and trying so hard to grab onto faith, when this was how it was all going to end up anyway?
I don't have words of faith today. Or hope. Or strength. My relationship with God has been cracked, changed, and it breaks my heart. Where is God? Where has he been? Why didn't my home and family mean more to him? My dogs, my cat, even.
I've read the Book of Job. Never liked it. Never. Not even when I had a good life and blessings and had yet to be crushed by life. I never liked it. God and satan played a game and poor Job was the game piece. And his kids. I could never see the kind side of God in this story. I never liked the view of God this story gives, to be honest.
Now, living the Book of Job...I like it even less.
The weekend of February 21, I had to move. The kids and I packed up and moved a 1700 sq ft home in three days. It was hell. It is still hell. One dog went to stay a town away. The other is with me for now. My son now stays all the time with his dad. My daughter now stays all the time on campus. Our cat went to my sister-in-law's house, then promptly disappeared. I'm staying with my mom in a tiny, tiny, cramped, cluttered house where I have a bed and not even a full bedroom to myself. I'm living out of boxes, bags, and the only piece of my former life I have is my daughter's dog, who is with me. My mom and I get along fine...when we're not living together.
I feel let down by God. Dropped. Misled. I feel foolish for all the nights I prayed over our home, over our pets, over my kids, over my future, my money situation, my job situation...all of these things were allowed to be broken, taken, and I can't help but wonder where did those prayers go? Why did I even spend so much time on my face, in tears, grappling with my fear and worry and trying so hard to grab onto faith, when this was how it was all going to end up anyway?
I don't have words of faith today. Or hope. Or strength. My relationship with God has been cracked, changed, and it breaks my heart. Where is God? Where has he been? Why didn't my home and family mean more to him? My dogs, my cat, even.
I've read the Book of Job. Never liked it. Never. Not even when I had a good life and blessings and had yet to be crushed by life. I never liked it. God and satan played a game and poor Job was the game piece. And his kids. I could never see the kind side of God in this story. I never liked the view of God this story gives, to be honest.
Now, living the Book of Job...I like it even less.
