...seems too much at times. I say that I think about the end times and I wish to hear the Trumpets blast, and I don't lie about that what-so-ever. I pray to God that each and everyday is the last one that I walk with this lonliness, this heartache. I pray that His glory rain down and for Him to call His children home, to embrace us and take away this everything that is not of Him.
Nothing I do seems to help or ease the ache. I ache for both a relationship and for a stronger relationship with Jesus. I know that He is with me, but where is this woman for me? Did I throw that all away when Carol and I divorced? Did it fall away when the last love in my life drifted? Am I suppose to now feel gifted with singleness? I feel myself begin to have feelings for someone, but shy away from moving forward because I am tired of rejections and excuses. I draw back for the simple fear that I am the only one in the equation that is doing the liking. For the first time in my life, a woman who puts God first in her life, and is grounded in Him is completely important for me. But it seems even harder to make headway with anyone. I'm tired of being the friend and watch them move on to like others, and to be hurt by others. I wish that someone could see me for me, see beyond the exterior and beyond whatever it is that repeals them. I don't know what to do. I pray, I search, I don't search, I give, I take...and nothing. It's always the same. I have a glimpse of hope and it's taken as quickly as it began. Yeah, I'm lonely and desire to be with a good woman, a woman of good faith, and the way things have been, it seems so unobtainable. What makes me so unwanted, so unapproachable? After a while, it sinks in that you have moved past a certain age and time and the odds are so incredibly against you. I'm just me, and it seems as though it has been too long since that was good enough. My heart speaks out and perhaps it speaks too loudly, but I wish that it could connect with another.
I wish that I could blame this all on being drunk and at a computor, but I don't drink, so I got nothing.
My friend told me something today that made me very happy for him. He was with the woman he likes and told her that he feels as if all this searching he has done, has been for her, and she smiled and agreed. I am happy for him, I truly am and at the same time, I wish that those feelings and words could be flowing from my lips.
Nothing I do seems to help or ease the ache. I ache for both a relationship and for a stronger relationship with Jesus. I know that He is with me, but where is this woman for me? Did I throw that all away when Carol and I divorced? Did it fall away when the last love in my life drifted? Am I suppose to now feel gifted with singleness? I feel myself begin to have feelings for someone, but shy away from moving forward because I am tired of rejections and excuses. I draw back for the simple fear that I am the only one in the equation that is doing the liking. For the first time in my life, a woman who puts God first in her life, and is grounded in Him is completely important for me. But it seems even harder to make headway with anyone. I'm tired of being the friend and watch them move on to like others, and to be hurt by others. I wish that someone could see me for me, see beyond the exterior and beyond whatever it is that repeals them. I don't know what to do. I pray, I search, I don't search, I give, I take...and nothing. It's always the same. I have a glimpse of hope and it's taken as quickly as it began. Yeah, I'm lonely and desire to be with a good woman, a woman of good faith, and the way things have been, it seems so unobtainable. What makes me so unwanted, so unapproachable? After a while, it sinks in that you have moved past a certain age and time and the odds are so incredibly against you. I'm just me, and it seems as though it has been too long since that was good enough. My heart speaks out and perhaps it speaks too loudly, but I wish that it could connect with another.
I wish that I could blame this all on being drunk and at a computor, but I don't drink, so I got nothing.
My friend told me something today that made me very happy for him. He was with the woman he likes and told her that he feels as if all this searching he has done, has been for her, and she smiled and agreed. I am happy for him, I truly am and at the same time, I wish that those feelings and words could be flowing from my lips.
