Lately I have allowed myself to sink so deep in depression and non feeling. Sometimes I think I pull my problems around me like a security blanket and use them to isolate myself, to hide. I have always wanted to be invisible. It almost feels safer that way, to surround myself with fear and distance from anyone in my life. The more I push people away the more they leave me alone. I feel like they don't want to "deal with it" when really, I don't need that much. Sometimes I just really need someone to talk to.
I just heard this song tonight and the lyrics really stood out to me.
I'm here
To stay
Nothing can separate us
And I know I'm ok
You cradle me gently
Wrapped in your arms
I'm home
I am coming to realize once again that the safest most comforting place I can be is clinging to Christ. To overcome my pain, fear, doubt and insecurity I must let him work in my life. I am tired of flipping out and pushing away the people I grow the closest to, its like a vicious cycle and I go back ten steps every time it happens. Some days I just wish that someone would just listen as a neutral party and tell me exactly what I need to do to let go and move forward. I was just reading the thread about "what not to say to someone who has been abused" I've definitely heard almost all of those at least once before. The result is usually that I shut down and further isolate myself.
I tend to treat guys very sarcastically, to keep them at a distance. When I date someone I constantly tell myself he is a jerk and a d***head and he is just going to use me and hurt me. Most of the guys I have dated were pretty decent guys so its not fair to think that way. But it keeps me from getting too close and getting hurt. I end every relationship long before they want to so I don't take a chance on being rejected by being broken up with. I have hurt so many guys. Sometimes I want to but as soon as it happens I feel horrible about it.
I just want to be over all this, past it, growing steadily and not looking back. How do I get to that place?????
I just heard this song tonight and the lyrics really stood out to me.
I'm here
To stay
Nothing can separate us
And I know I'm ok
You cradle me gently
Wrapped in your arms
I'm home
I am coming to realize once again that the safest most comforting place I can be is clinging to Christ. To overcome my pain, fear, doubt and insecurity I must let him work in my life. I am tired of flipping out and pushing away the people I grow the closest to, its like a vicious cycle and I go back ten steps every time it happens. Some days I just wish that someone would just listen as a neutral party and tell me exactly what I need to do to let go and move forward. I was just reading the thread about "what not to say to someone who has been abused" I've definitely heard almost all of those at least once before. The result is usually that I shut down and further isolate myself.
I tend to treat guys very sarcastically, to keep them at a distance. When I date someone I constantly tell myself he is a jerk and a d***head and he is just going to use me and hurt me. Most of the guys I have dated were pretty decent guys so its not fair to think that way. But it keeps me from getting too close and getting hurt. I end every relationship long before they want to so I don't take a chance on being rejected by being broken up with. I have hurt so many guys. Sometimes I want to but as soon as it happens I feel horrible about it.
I just want to be over all this, past it, growing steadily and not looking back. How do I get to that place?????
