I haven’t been okay for about two weeks now. Several things are bothering me, and I need to get them off my chest, sort them out. I’d like to have my feelings validated, and perhaps get some advice and prayer, so that I can go back to being myself again. To give you some background about me: I’m 49 years old. I’ve been married for 26 years. I just started a part-time job about 2 months ago after being a stay at home mom for several years. I struggle with perfectionism to the extent that it defines me and paralyzes me at times. My MBTI type is INTJ, in case you’re familiar with that. I’ve been a born again non-denominational believer and a student of the Word for 26 years.
This was the first Christmas season in a really long time that I was enjoying. Generally speaking, I like being prepared for things ahead of time. This year, since I had just started a new job, and I didn’t know how much free time – or more accurately, how much energy – I was going to have to prepare for Christmas, I started feeling a sense of urgency to get started on Christmas shopping earlier than usual this year. Usually I procrastinate a bit because I feel like such a loser when it comes to picking out Christmas presents. I’m not good at remembering what people want or like. But this year I prayed for help, and I received a catalog in the mail that had lots of cool stuff in it, so I was inspired that I might turn out to not be such a loser this Christmas after all. So two days after Thanksgiving, for the first time ever in my life, I had ALL my Christmas shopping done! And I was feeling WONDERFUL about that!
Besides Christmas shopping, I also have a large project of writing a family newsletter and sending it out with Christmas cards to about 100 family and friends. My cards went out about a week later than I wanted, but still in plenty of time.
Another thing I was enjoying about Christmas was that I had a really nice collection of sacred and secular Christmas music for the first time this year and I was making a point of always having Christmas music on and enjoying the songs of the season.
Another thing I was enjoying about Christmas was that I had money to spend! Yay! I bought my two sons something they each really wanted, and I felt really good about feeling free to be able to provide that for them.
Another thing I was enjoying about Christmas was that I had two very special experiences with two older gentlemen in my life. I had the chance to be a blessing to them in a special way, and it meant a lot to me to be able to do that. So I was enjoying Christmas time and feeling good about myself as a person (which rarely happens).
Two weeks before Christmas Eve both my mother and my father (they’re divorced) informed me that they wanted to give me money to go shopping for my whole family, so we could get whatever we wanted. Trouble is we didn’t want very much, and what we did want I had already bought! This is where I start sounding ungrateful because while I was grateful for the cash and the freedom to get whatever we wanted, I was resentful that they told me after it was too late to order stuff online in order to get it in time for Christmas. I was angry because I felt cramped for time, and because we HAD to spend it and wrap the gifts and bring them with us on Christmas eve. Thankfully, my 22 year old daughter and my 18 year old son were able to go spend the money on their own, and my husband took care of his share, too. My 15 year old son didn’t want anything else, so I took the present that I had bought him, and appropriated it to my parents name. That left my own gifts, and it took me a full week to get over my resentment enough to go shopping for myself.
And that’s the thing. It bugs me that the whole situation threw me for such a loop. It was like throwing a wrench into the works. My whole enjoyment of Christmas came to a screeching halt when they threw that in at the last minute. I guess what made it worse is that they both did the exact same thing to me last year. And I had later found out that it was because of my sister’s conniving that they had done it. She was trying to make Christmas easier on them, but it made it more complicated and difficult for me.
Ah. As I write this I am realizing that what really bothers me is that I wanted to give something special to my kids MYSELF. But because I didn’t have time to think or plan and because I didn’t know what else my kids wanted, I took the large special expensive gifts that I had bought that I knew my children wanted, and pretended my parents bought them. If my parents had told me about the money ahead of time, I would have been better able to plan out what to get for the kids. I guess in the past, we couldn’t AFFORD to get our kids what they wanted, and I needed my parents to buy the big expensive items. Now I am realizing as I am writing this that I want to give those special gifts to my kids MYSELF. If it happens again, I need to not just take what I bought and put it over to my parents’ names. It so infrequently happens that I know what my kids want AND can afford it. I want the pleasure of giving it myself. Don’t get me wrong, I like getting the money and the freedom to choose. Goodness knows how much I have despised in years past receiving hundreds of dollars worth of junk we don’t want or need and that ends up in the basement unused. I would just like to know a month earlier so I have time to plan and shop.
I know this whole scenario wouldn’t have even caused a problem for most people, but it did for me, and ruined the second half of the Christmas holiday for me. It’s just that it was DONE… and then it WASN’T done. It was a burden. If there’s anyone else who understands how I feel, it would make me feel a lot better.
Dear Father, I repent for holding resentment in my heart towards my parents and my sister for throwing this extra responsibility onto my shoulders at Christmas time 2 years in a row. I thank you for their generosity and the financial blessing You have poured out on us. I forgive them… I’m sure they didn’t know how much of a burden they were creating. I ask You to forgive me and to cleanse me from all unrighteousness.
This was the first Christmas season in a really long time that I was enjoying. Generally speaking, I like being prepared for things ahead of time. This year, since I had just started a new job, and I didn’t know how much free time – or more accurately, how much energy – I was going to have to prepare for Christmas, I started feeling a sense of urgency to get started on Christmas shopping earlier than usual this year. Usually I procrastinate a bit because I feel like such a loser when it comes to picking out Christmas presents. I’m not good at remembering what people want or like. But this year I prayed for help, and I received a catalog in the mail that had lots of cool stuff in it, so I was inspired that I might turn out to not be such a loser this Christmas after all. So two days after Thanksgiving, for the first time ever in my life, I had ALL my Christmas shopping done! And I was feeling WONDERFUL about that!
Besides Christmas shopping, I also have a large project of writing a family newsletter and sending it out with Christmas cards to about 100 family and friends. My cards went out about a week later than I wanted, but still in plenty of time.
Another thing I was enjoying about Christmas was that I had a really nice collection of sacred and secular Christmas music for the first time this year and I was making a point of always having Christmas music on and enjoying the songs of the season.
Another thing I was enjoying about Christmas was that I had money to spend! Yay! I bought my two sons something they each really wanted, and I felt really good about feeling free to be able to provide that for them.
Another thing I was enjoying about Christmas was that I had two very special experiences with two older gentlemen in my life. I had the chance to be a blessing to them in a special way, and it meant a lot to me to be able to do that. So I was enjoying Christmas time and feeling good about myself as a person (which rarely happens).
Two weeks before Christmas Eve both my mother and my father (they’re divorced) informed me that they wanted to give me money to go shopping for my whole family, so we could get whatever we wanted. Trouble is we didn’t want very much, and what we did want I had already bought! This is where I start sounding ungrateful because while I was grateful for the cash and the freedom to get whatever we wanted, I was resentful that they told me after it was too late to order stuff online in order to get it in time for Christmas. I was angry because I felt cramped for time, and because we HAD to spend it and wrap the gifts and bring them with us on Christmas eve. Thankfully, my 22 year old daughter and my 18 year old son were able to go spend the money on their own, and my husband took care of his share, too. My 15 year old son didn’t want anything else, so I took the present that I had bought him, and appropriated it to my parents name. That left my own gifts, and it took me a full week to get over my resentment enough to go shopping for myself.
And that’s the thing. It bugs me that the whole situation threw me for such a loop. It was like throwing a wrench into the works. My whole enjoyment of Christmas came to a screeching halt when they threw that in at the last minute. I guess what made it worse is that they both did the exact same thing to me last year. And I had later found out that it was because of my sister’s conniving that they had done it. She was trying to make Christmas easier on them, but it made it more complicated and difficult for me.
Ah. As I write this I am realizing that what really bothers me is that I wanted to give something special to my kids MYSELF. But because I didn’t have time to think or plan and because I didn’t know what else my kids wanted, I took the large special expensive gifts that I had bought that I knew my children wanted, and pretended my parents bought them. If my parents had told me about the money ahead of time, I would have been better able to plan out what to get for the kids. I guess in the past, we couldn’t AFFORD to get our kids what they wanted, and I needed my parents to buy the big expensive items. Now I am realizing as I am writing this that I want to give those special gifts to my kids MYSELF. If it happens again, I need to not just take what I bought and put it over to my parents’ names. It so infrequently happens that I know what my kids want AND can afford it. I want the pleasure of giving it myself. Don’t get me wrong, I like getting the money and the freedom to choose. Goodness knows how much I have despised in years past receiving hundreds of dollars worth of junk we don’t want or need and that ends up in the basement unused. I would just like to know a month earlier so I have time to plan and shop.
I know this whole scenario wouldn’t have even caused a problem for most people, but it did for me, and ruined the second half of the Christmas holiday for me. It’s just that it was DONE… and then it WASN’T done. It was a burden. If there’s anyone else who understands how I feel, it would make me feel a lot better.
Dear Father, I repent for holding resentment in my heart towards my parents and my sister for throwing this extra responsibility onto my shoulders at Christmas time 2 years in a row. I thank you for their generosity and the financial blessing You have poured out on us. I forgive them… I’m sure they didn’t know how much of a burden they were creating. I ask You to forgive me and to cleanse me from all unrighteousness.
