At any point in time, anyone can be taken away from you, just like that with a blink of an eye. This has kind of given me a perspective to live life, and enjoy it, and never live in regrets.
This last month has been full of struggles and emotion for me.
It would seem like just yesterday I was talking to Phil, and talking and texting Jesse and Jeff, and Alex too. My lack of knowledge in cars that Alex would laugh and joke about and try to teach me what was what. Gosh, I miss my boys...
It felt like intermittently for a month and a half that I've been living in a haze, and that I've been dreaming. You wish forever that you could turn back time, and you could just for one second hold that person, see their face and tell them you love them... but you can't.
September 11th will always be a hard day for me. It's always been emotional due to the WTC attacks, but even more so now.
I lost my uncle Ray Meisenheimer, and my buddy Alan Beaven one in the twin towers, and the other on flight 93.
I had a gut wrenching feeling that something was going to occur on the date of September 11th of this year. I couldn't sleep. From the time of the argument with my room mate, I was awake. I stayed awake, drank Mountain Dew, and worked, and then in the morning, I stayed awake and took moments of silence at the time of occurrences from nine years ago, and spent the whole day watching the memorial in NYC that I should have been at.
Ryan, (my boyfriend at the time) and I got into a bad argument, that was just the start of it. He broke up with me. Later that day, my four friends went missing from a bar, and we tried to report them missing. They never missed obligations and left texts and voice mails unanswered. The cops and media refused to help, and nearly a day later, they were all found dead in a car that was mangled.
Jesse Pena, Jeff Levesque, Alex Defreitas and Chase Abreau. Friends of mine.... all of them dead. That week seemed to feel like it went on forever.
(NH police seek public's help in fatal crash query - Boston.com, Speed believed a factor in N.H. crash - The Boston Globe)
Eventually, I broke down. I spent the week of September 16th through 21st planning on how I was going to get closure and mourn. September 16th I made a video in memory of the boys, and on September 17th started to cope. A post I put on my facebook states: "Is Starting To Cope. The Worst Part is the Unbearable Emptiness I feel. I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been there to provide support during this tough time."
So I decided on the 17th, I would do a balloon send off in memory of the boys. I wrote each of them letters. I attached them to the balloons, and I sent them off. I watched each one go to the sky, and it was quite peaceful, and closing to me. To let go of the balloon meant to me that I was able to let go, and mourn their loss, but find closure that they are at peace and are gone. I let go when I was ready. But it still hurt. The emptiness was and still is still there.
This morning my grandmother Maddy died in her sleep. That same emptiness I was feeling for my friends last month came back. I thought I had cried all of my tears, but they just keep coming. I never cry. Its a weakness to me. But I'm still coping with the deaths last month. My grams smothered herself in her sleep, because of the way she went to bed laying down. It was completely accidental, but we will miss her terribly.
With the holidays coming around the corner, and Christmas, Thanksgiving, and all of the family holidays, there is a forever empty feeling of loss, and emptiness that no one can understand unless they were going through what I was right now. We used to go over Maddy's house every year to celebrate the holidays. She was such a friendly, caring and giving person, and she is missed.
I can't tell you that my life won't change the fact that I lost four friends in a car wreck, one to overseas, another to cancer, and another to meningitis that week, and the fact that my grandma is dead. I can't tell you that I will still feel a very empty feeling inside because of the loss of such amazing and wonderful people, and my heart forever aches their losses. I can't tell you that I can't change it. But I can tell you to not ever live in regret and to cherish each moment you have with everyone, because at a moments notice they can be taken from you.
So the lesson to these thoughts is to never live in regret. Enjoy every moment of life you have with everyone you call friends or family. Cherish those moments, and love them for who they are. Don't spend your little time you have here on earth bickering and arguing with someone over something stupid and irrelevant that you will more than likely laugh at months down the road. Live, laugh and love every moment of your life. Don't be ashamed to be foolish with your friends, and joke around over things that make sense to no one else. Call some one and tell them you love them and that your grateful for them in your life, because at a moments notice, they can be snatched from you just like that.
In a second, with a blink of an eye, they can be gone from you in a moments notice, and it happens all too quickly to comprehend. So never, ever live life in regret, and cherish each moment you have with some one.
"A golden heart stops beating, hard working hands to rest, God broke our hearts to prove to us, he only takes the best."
I love you all, and thank you for your friendship you have given to me even if it is virtual. I appreciate every single one of you for who you are.
Missing You Right Now, Alex Defreitas, Jesse Pena, Jeff Levesque, and Chase Abreau. Missing my grams, Madelyn Lindbloom, and especially Phil Charte, Mike Huff and Becca Tenney. I love you guys... Miss you forever...
This last month has been full of struggles and emotion for me.
It would seem like just yesterday I was talking to Phil, and talking and texting Jesse and Jeff, and Alex too. My lack of knowledge in cars that Alex would laugh and joke about and try to teach me what was what. Gosh, I miss my boys...
It felt like intermittently for a month and a half that I've been living in a haze, and that I've been dreaming. You wish forever that you could turn back time, and you could just for one second hold that person, see their face and tell them you love them... but you can't.
September 11th will always be a hard day for me. It's always been emotional due to the WTC attacks, but even more so now.
I lost my uncle Ray Meisenheimer, and my buddy Alan Beaven one in the twin towers, and the other on flight 93.
I had a gut wrenching feeling that something was going to occur on the date of September 11th of this year. I couldn't sleep. From the time of the argument with my room mate, I was awake. I stayed awake, drank Mountain Dew, and worked, and then in the morning, I stayed awake and took moments of silence at the time of occurrences from nine years ago, and spent the whole day watching the memorial in NYC that I should have been at.
Ryan, (my boyfriend at the time) and I got into a bad argument, that was just the start of it. He broke up with me. Later that day, my four friends went missing from a bar, and we tried to report them missing. They never missed obligations and left texts and voice mails unanswered. The cops and media refused to help, and nearly a day later, they were all found dead in a car that was mangled.
Jesse Pena, Jeff Levesque, Alex Defreitas and Chase Abreau. Friends of mine.... all of them dead. That week seemed to feel like it went on forever.
(NH police seek public's help in fatal crash query - Boston.com, Speed believed a factor in N.H. crash - The Boston Globe)
Eventually, I broke down. I spent the week of September 16th through 21st planning on how I was going to get closure and mourn. September 16th I made a video in memory of the boys, and on September 17th started to cope. A post I put on my facebook states: "Is Starting To Cope. The Worst Part is the Unbearable Emptiness I feel. I wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been there to provide support during this tough time."
So I decided on the 17th, I would do a balloon send off in memory of the boys. I wrote each of them letters. I attached them to the balloons, and I sent them off. I watched each one go to the sky, and it was quite peaceful, and closing to me. To let go of the balloon meant to me that I was able to let go, and mourn their loss, but find closure that they are at peace and are gone. I let go when I was ready. But it still hurt. The emptiness was and still is still there.
This morning my grandmother Maddy died in her sleep. That same emptiness I was feeling for my friends last month came back. I thought I had cried all of my tears, but they just keep coming. I never cry. Its a weakness to me. But I'm still coping with the deaths last month. My grams smothered herself in her sleep, because of the way she went to bed laying down. It was completely accidental, but we will miss her terribly.
With the holidays coming around the corner, and Christmas, Thanksgiving, and all of the family holidays, there is a forever empty feeling of loss, and emptiness that no one can understand unless they were going through what I was right now. We used to go over Maddy's house every year to celebrate the holidays. She was such a friendly, caring and giving person, and she is missed.
I can't tell you that my life won't change the fact that I lost four friends in a car wreck, one to overseas, another to cancer, and another to meningitis that week, and the fact that my grandma is dead. I can't tell you that I will still feel a very empty feeling inside because of the loss of such amazing and wonderful people, and my heart forever aches their losses. I can't tell you that I can't change it. But I can tell you to not ever live in regret and to cherish each moment you have with everyone, because at a moments notice they can be taken from you.
So the lesson to these thoughts is to never live in regret. Enjoy every moment of life you have with everyone you call friends or family. Cherish those moments, and love them for who they are. Don't spend your little time you have here on earth bickering and arguing with someone over something stupid and irrelevant that you will more than likely laugh at months down the road. Live, laugh and love every moment of your life. Don't be ashamed to be foolish with your friends, and joke around over things that make sense to no one else. Call some one and tell them you love them and that your grateful for them in your life, because at a moments notice, they can be snatched from you just like that.
In a second, with a blink of an eye, they can be gone from you in a moments notice, and it happens all too quickly to comprehend. So never, ever live life in regret, and cherish each moment you have with some one.
"A golden heart stops beating, hard working hands to rest, God broke our hearts to prove to us, he only takes the best."
I love you all, and thank you for your friendship you have given to me even if it is virtual. I appreciate every single one of you for who you are.
Missing You Right Now, Alex Defreitas, Jesse Pena, Jeff Levesque, and Chase Abreau. Missing my grams, Madelyn Lindbloom, and especially Phil Charte, Mike Huff and Becca Tenney. I love you guys... Miss you forever...
