"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9 [nkjv] Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. James 4:8 [nkjv]
I seek and search for a closer relationship with God, but I keep returning to my own heart and the defeats it knows best. I will say that lately I have not read my Bible much, not even once a day, but I know I will before I go to bed tonight, and my focus during prayer is less that desired. I don't feel as if I am speaking to the ceiling, but that my prayers are half-hearted. I know they aren't, and it's satan working me over, but I feel as if I'm drifting. Perhaps I am just being petty, but it is something that bothers me. On top of this, not that it is truely of any importance, the weight of loneliness sits upon me. Lately I see couples left and right, I see relationships beginning and people WITH people. I think of where I am and how alone I feel and it sends a cold chill through my heart. Something happened today that made me realize just how lonely I feel and how for these matters, I haven't anyone to turn to or comfort me. I have friends that are there for me, but I can't be WITH them, you know what I mean? It's not even a matter of sex, cause I don't want that till I marry again, it's just a matter of not feeling as if I am desireable, worthy of anyone, or that anyone would even have interest in me. But this is were I should know better and apply scriptures to this emotion and pain that weighs me down. I should be seeking this relationship with Christ so deeply and purely that I shouldn't even be concerned with other people, in that sence. I feel alone, but forget and take for granted the fact that my Savior watches over me and is with me ALWAYS. My heart grows cold to Him when I need Him the most and it's not until I am facedown in my own tears that I pray to Him to just hold me and weep that He could just hug me. Sounds odd, but sometimes I just want a hug and to feel wanted. So why isn't Gods love enough? Why do i take it for granted and think that it's not enough or the same? Gods love IS enough and is all I NEED, it's the rest that I want...there is a huge difference. I am so sorry that day after day I slap God in the face by not accepting His love as enough, or all that i need. I know it and can say it, but it's my actions that speak the loudest when I get hurt and feel so hopelessly unloved. I have grown tired of games and my heart being the punching bag of emotions. I draw close to someone and it all slips away. I try not to care, but I do anyway. I try to give it to God, but I take it back. I haven't taken it back into my own hands this time and tried to persue anyone, but I still ache. I wish that I could have been able to end this on a better note, but for the moment, it is what it is and I will pray to God for this heart to heal. Loneliness is the first thing which God's eye named not good. -John Milton
I seek and search for a closer relationship with God, but I keep returning to my own heart and the defeats it knows best. I will say that lately I have not read my Bible much, not even once a day, but I know I will before I go to bed tonight, and my focus during prayer is less that desired. I don't feel as if I am speaking to the ceiling, but that my prayers are half-hearted. I know they aren't, and it's satan working me over, but I feel as if I'm drifting. Perhaps I am just being petty, but it is something that bothers me. On top of this, not that it is truely of any importance, the weight of loneliness sits upon me. Lately I see couples left and right, I see relationships beginning and people WITH people. I think of where I am and how alone I feel and it sends a cold chill through my heart. Something happened today that made me realize just how lonely I feel and how for these matters, I haven't anyone to turn to or comfort me. I have friends that are there for me, but I can't be WITH them, you know what I mean? It's not even a matter of sex, cause I don't want that till I marry again, it's just a matter of not feeling as if I am desireable, worthy of anyone, or that anyone would even have interest in me. But this is were I should know better and apply scriptures to this emotion and pain that weighs me down. I should be seeking this relationship with Christ so deeply and purely that I shouldn't even be concerned with other people, in that sence. I feel alone, but forget and take for granted the fact that my Savior watches over me and is with me ALWAYS. My heart grows cold to Him when I need Him the most and it's not until I am facedown in my own tears that I pray to Him to just hold me and weep that He could just hug me. Sounds odd, but sometimes I just want a hug and to feel wanted. So why isn't Gods love enough? Why do i take it for granted and think that it's not enough or the same? Gods love IS enough and is all I NEED, it's the rest that I want...there is a huge difference. I am so sorry that day after day I slap God in the face by not accepting His love as enough, or all that i need. I know it and can say it, but it's my actions that speak the loudest when I get hurt and feel so hopelessly unloved. I have grown tired of games and my heart being the punching bag of emotions. I draw close to someone and it all slips away. I try not to care, but I do anyway. I try to give it to God, but I take it back. I haven't taken it back into my own hands this time and tried to persue anyone, but I still ache. I wish that I could have been able to end this on a better note, but for the moment, it is what it is and I will pray to God for this heart to heal. Loneliness is the first thing which God's eye named not good. -John Milton
