To those who just think it's about sex, I promise it isn't. To everyone who condemns homosexuals, thinking it's just lust. I promise, it's more.
It's about not being alone. It's about think just maybe, God made someone out there for you too. It's about hoping that all the "God hates gays" picket signs are wrong. That all the movies about "love" like Audacity are wrong. It's about hoping God loves you too. It's about wanting to change something so bad, you don't even care what comes out on the other side. It's about love. And it's about being alone.
I don't want sex. I don't care if my prayers really do work, and God changes me. I'm not having sex. It's my personal thing. I know myself, I know how easily tempted I am. Sex wouldn't make me feel any less lonely, or any more significant. I don't want that. I want someone who fauns over me, and says they love me, and tells me that they love my quirks, and that they can forgive my sins. I just wanted someone I could share my journey with.
But no. That's not what I get. I get hiding every tear, because my church "doesn't condone homosexuality," so I'd have to give up my Salvation Army uniform, and my Sunday school class, that I've worked for YEARS to get started, and that I've spent countless hours planning and crying over. And I can't even teach it with any level of competence because I'm so afraid it'll collide with a brick wall in the end. I 'd have to give up the scholarship my church gave me, and my only chance at an education. I have to give up the idea that I may one day have a family of my own.
All my dreams hinged on this. My dream to end the ageism in my hometown church. My dream to get trained in advanced first-aid so I could help people who need me. My dream to do extensive medical research that may save lives. My dream of going on a mission trip with my church. My dream of having someone to cuddle with. My dream of raising a kid lovingly. All my dreams....shattered, because I'm freaking gay.
I can pray that God changes me all I want, but in the end, it won't make my dreams be any less broken. A broken dream is a broken dream. Even IF I go straight, it's still the same thing; I'm not dominant enough as a guy to make all the decisions for a family, and I'm not having sex, so I couldn't satisfy a wife. And...because almost half the Christians out there thing that homosexuality is a sin...the most brilliant theological minds out there, think that this is somehow a choice, that all my broken dreams are my fault. And that, even if I'm a Christian...well..."gay Christians aren't really Christian, so they won't go to Heaven until the chose straight." How exactly does one do that? Just up and decide to date women I don't love romantically? My dream, of getting to Heaven, seeing my grandparents, my friend, seeing Jesus Christ himself...all that, is shattered, because of something as silly as biological sex, something that doesn't even exist in Heaven.
My dreams...are broken. And according to my own religion, it's all somehow my fault.
It's about not being alone. It's about think just maybe, God made someone out there for you too. It's about hoping that all the "God hates gays" picket signs are wrong. That all the movies about "love" like Audacity are wrong. It's about hoping God loves you too. It's about wanting to change something so bad, you don't even care what comes out on the other side. It's about love. And it's about being alone.
I don't want sex. I don't care if my prayers really do work, and God changes me. I'm not having sex. It's my personal thing. I know myself, I know how easily tempted I am. Sex wouldn't make me feel any less lonely, or any more significant. I don't want that. I want someone who fauns over me, and says they love me, and tells me that they love my quirks, and that they can forgive my sins. I just wanted someone I could share my journey with.
But no. That's not what I get. I get hiding every tear, because my church "doesn't condone homosexuality," so I'd have to give up my Salvation Army uniform, and my Sunday school class, that I've worked for YEARS to get started, and that I've spent countless hours planning and crying over. And I can't even teach it with any level of competence because I'm so afraid it'll collide with a brick wall in the end. I 'd have to give up the scholarship my church gave me, and my only chance at an education. I have to give up the idea that I may one day have a family of my own.
All my dreams hinged on this. My dream to end the ageism in my hometown church. My dream to get trained in advanced first-aid so I could help people who need me. My dream to do extensive medical research that may save lives. My dream of going on a mission trip with my church. My dream of having someone to cuddle with. My dream of raising a kid lovingly. All my dreams....shattered, because I'm freaking gay.
I can pray that God changes me all I want, but in the end, it won't make my dreams be any less broken. A broken dream is a broken dream. Even IF I go straight, it's still the same thing; I'm not dominant enough as a guy to make all the decisions for a family, and I'm not having sex, so I couldn't satisfy a wife. And...because almost half the Christians out there thing that homosexuality is a sin...the most brilliant theological minds out there, think that this is somehow a choice, that all my broken dreams are my fault. And that, even if I'm a Christian...well..."gay Christians aren't really Christian, so they won't go to Heaven until the chose straight." How exactly does one do that? Just up and decide to date women I don't love romantically? My dream, of getting to Heaven, seeing my grandparents, my friend, seeing Jesus Christ himself...all that, is shattered, because of something as silly as biological sex, something that doesn't even exist in Heaven.
My dreams...are broken. And according to my own religion, it's all somehow my fault.
