It bes really hurting terribly since the night of the 15th of this month or thereabouts. Initially for some sweet time it had seemed to be getting "clearer" inside and having more time with God and thinking what might have been its own thoughts (or at least, what the Holy Spirit givesy to think). This bes somewheres between the start of May and its middle, and at that time it bes thinking these good things start to be more and more and it has less and less of Them takesy over. But now things seem to bes getting steadily worse again.
On top of it all bes this queer disjointed sensation too, as if its memories bes in layers from this entire time period, and the layers contradict themselves, as if it bes several different Moriah's remembering the same time period several different ways, disjointed, disconnected, and inherently contradictory. One of us remembers a period of tremendous breakthrough and blessing whilst another overlaps that same time period with a sense of horrible pain, fear, forsakenness and betrayal. The last time it had memories so viscerally overlapped in human time like this bes those strange strange years between 1992 and 1994 and it bes nearly as much disparate between them layers, too, as then.
So much has happened since just the 15th of May: losing its home, getting dreadfully sick (for the first time in over 13 years no less), having excruciating pain in its jaw from dental work, losing a primary spiritual support relationship (someone turned on it horribly wrong and has totally shut it out, so it has no hope for anything ever being rebuilt there again), and now its FragBox (gaming computer) harddrive has bit the dust ...
And all this coming after several weeks of severe physical, emotional, psychological, sexual and spiritual torture from Them -- including, but not limited to, one night with about 4 hours of non-stop rape and ravishment, and another night (maybe even the very next day) with 4 hours of non-stop classic bodily torture* not to mention the endless litanies and the bombardment of thoughts like some outrageous invisible PsyOps -- because it started going to compline trying to connect with God in prayer in the company of other believers where it bes feel safe and it bes not all alone isolate for Them to predate upon it. Not to mention the stress has been mounting without reprieve at work and the department seems in utter chaos these days. Too much to do and not enough time to do it in, and lacking motivation does not help. Then it had the nerve to fast for some breakthroughs and insights, to break down strongholds and the like (seeking to be free from these dark things living inside it) between the 12th and 16th or 17th earlier this month (May 2008). Guess that upset Them somewhat. Thing being, though, in the past it would have gone off with Them if They bes upset by something. It would have listened to Them tellsy what to do and believed the lies that They bes protecting it from the humans what really causes the pain in its world. Only now They bes not so endeared to Moriah anymore and it does not feel like listening to Them anymore. It wants to listen to God instead, Who says helpful, smart, beautiful and lovely things full of goodness and truth.
Now, it knows everyone has hardships in life. It knows things cannot go well all the time, and it knows everyone has to suffer now and again, that just bes part of life. But when there bes such an interminable and relentless stream full pace gushing forth of every conceivable hardship and hassle, it smells a hand in that, a hand attached to some intelligence and purpose, and not necessarily a good one (though God can work out all things for good, of course). So it has no doubt but that this bes some type of attack, ongoing, deliberate, and mounted on all fronts.
But it worries when it begins to feel lonely (being abandoned, isolated and forsaken by those who spent weeks, months trying to coax it to open up and trust does not help here) and want Their company. It worries when it feels that certain attraction to Them and does things it knows full well it ought not to, but cannot seem to make itself refrain from. And it worries most of all when it cannot locate that special spark inside where its desire to be free and to serve God lives. Above all it bes not wanting to lose that, but that bes the very thing They goes after the hardest to dampen, douse, conceal, suffocate, or otherwise quench and seek to obliterate. It bes scared but nobody cares about it anymore (at least, not anyone what knows it well enough to help and really knows what to do.) So it has nowhere to turn. It tries to turn to God but it also bes losing the ability to call on Him again.
Dear God it does not want this. Please break the titration cycle. Lord You know how weak and feeble it bes morally; if YOU do not intervene and save Moriah it bes perish. While it knows many would rejoice to see such a thing, it knows YOU bes not among them NOR do you furnish their calling cards or share their twisted, hostile and cruel sentiments.
Please make haste to deliver Moriah, Lord. Please.
_______________________________________________
* -- yes, it endures this physically and NO, it bes NOT merely a product of the imagination.
On top of it all bes this queer disjointed sensation too, as if its memories bes in layers from this entire time period, and the layers contradict themselves, as if it bes several different Moriah's remembering the same time period several different ways, disjointed, disconnected, and inherently contradictory. One of us remembers a period of tremendous breakthrough and blessing whilst another overlaps that same time period with a sense of horrible pain, fear, forsakenness and betrayal. The last time it had memories so viscerally overlapped in human time like this bes those strange strange years between 1992 and 1994 and it bes nearly as much disparate between them layers, too, as then.
So much has happened since just the 15th of May: losing its home, getting dreadfully sick (for the first time in over 13 years no less), having excruciating pain in its jaw from dental work, losing a primary spiritual support relationship (someone turned on it horribly wrong and has totally shut it out, so it has no hope for anything ever being rebuilt there again), and now its FragBox (gaming computer) harddrive has bit the dust ...
And all this coming after several weeks of severe physical, emotional, psychological, sexual and spiritual torture from Them -- including, but not limited to, one night with about 4 hours of non-stop rape and ravishment, and another night (maybe even the very next day) with 4 hours of non-stop classic bodily torture* not to mention the endless litanies and the bombardment of thoughts like some outrageous invisible PsyOps -- because it started going to compline trying to connect with God in prayer in the company of other believers where it bes feel safe and it bes not all alone isolate for Them to predate upon it. Not to mention the stress has been mounting without reprieve at work and the department seems in utter chaos these days. Too much to do and not enough time to do it in, and lacking motivation does not help. Then it had the nerve to fast for some breakthroughs and insights, to break down strongholds and the like (seeking to be free from these dark things living inside it) between the 12th and 16th or 17th earlier this month (May 2008). Guess that upset Them somewhat. Thing being, though, in the past it would have gone off with Them if They bes upset by something. It would have listened to Them tellsy what to do and believed the lies that They bes protecting it from the humans what really causes the pain in its world. Only now They bes not so endeared to Moriah anymore and it does not feel like listening to Them anymore. It wants to listen to God instead, Who says helpful, smart, beautiful and lovely things full of goodness and truth.
Now, it knows everyone has hardships in life. It knows things cannot go well all the time, and it knows everyone has to suffer now and again, that just bes part of life. But when there bes such an interminable and relentless stream full pace gushing forth of every conceivable hardship and hassle, it smells a hand in that, a hand attached to some intelligence and purpose, and not necessarily a good one (though God can work out all things for good, of course). So it has no doubt but that this bes some type of attack, ongoing, deliberate, and mounted on all fronts.
But it worries when it begins to feel lonely (being abandoned, isolated and forsaken by those who spent weeks, months trying to coax it to open up and trust does not help here) and want Their company. It worries when it feels that certain attraction to Them and does things it knows full well it ought not to, but cannot seem to make itself refrain from. And it worries most of all when it cannot locate that special spark inside where its desire to be free and to serve God lives. Above all it bes not wanting to lose that, but that bes the very thing They goes after the hardest to dampen, douse, conceal, suffocate, or otherwise quench and seek to obliterate. It bes scared but nobody cares about it anymore (at least, not anyone what knows it well enough to help and really knows what to do.) So it has nowhere to turn. It tries to turn to God but it also bes losing the ability to call on Him again.
Dear God it does not want this. Please break the titration cycle. Lord You know how weak and feeble it bes morally; if YOU do not intervene and save Moriah it bes perish. While it knows many would rejoice to see such a thing, it knows YOU bes not among them NOR do you furnish their calling cards or share their twisted, hostile and cruel sentiments.
Please make haste to deliver Moriah, Lord. Please.
Psalm 43
1 Judge me, O God, and plead my cause against an ungodly nation: O deliver me from the deceitful and unjust man.
2 For thou art the God of my strength: why dost thou cast me off? why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?
3 O send out thy light and thy truth: let them lead me; let them bring me unto thy holy hill, and to thy tabernacles.
4 Then will I go unto the altar of God, unto God my exceeding joy: yea, upon the harp will I praise thee, O God my God.
5 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.
1 Judge me, O God, and plead my cause against an ungodly nation: O deliver me from the deceitful and unjust man.
2 For thou art the God of my strength: why dost thou cast me off? why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?
3 O send out thy light and thy truth: let them lead me; let them bring me unto thy holy hill, and to thy tabernacles.
4 Then will I go unto the altar of God, unto God my exceeding joy: yea, upon the harp will I praise thee, O God my God.
5 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.
* -- yes, it endures this physically and NO, it bes NOT merely a product of the imagination.