I have struggled with depression ever since my parents divorced when I was 12... then I got into drugs and became socially isolated starting in high school. I was watching Glynda Lomax today and she was talking about the spirit of isolation and how it leads to depression and lonliness and I realized I have had a spirit of isolation for a very long time now. I've been begging God to be delivered and healed for several years now... I am trying so hard to surrender to God, I know the end times are here, but I just can't get out of this yuck I've been in my whole life.
I was reading psalm 119 and my heart was longing to be like those writers, how they were absolutely head-over-heels in love with Gods commandments... that is how I want to be. I don't like myself, I hate my flesh, I hate not being able to follow God. Sometimes my heart hardens and I can feel darkness get into my heart and I don't like it- I want it gone. I have had many curses on my life from my past and I don't know why I can't get free yet. My heart loves God often but then I fall right back into my old ways and get depressed and lonely and don't know how to get free except to keep on praying, fasting, staying in the Word, etc. Sometimes I feel evil, like today all of a sudden [I think it was a spiritual attack] I had the urge to laugh at people that were being mocked on a video on youtube I was watching and I realized that was not good. And then I get confused often thinking that I am too young to be Godly, that I have to wait to be old and ''boring'', in my 30's-40's and older, to really follow God, because I keep envisioning younger people supposed to be rebellious but that's not true, I just can't seem to understand my place in this world... this is all so frustrating, it is so hard coming out of a pit of misery like this into Gods light in this dark world we live in
I was reading psalm 119 and my heart was longing to be like those writers, how they were absolutely head-over-heels in love with Gods commandments... that is how I want to be. I don't like myself, I hate my flesh, I hate not being able to follow God. Sometimes my heart hardens and I can feel darkness get into my heart and I don't like it- I want it gone. I have had many curses on my life from my past and I don't know why I can't get free yet. My heart loves God often but then I fall right back into my old ways and get depressed and lonely and don't know how to get free except to keep on praying, fasting, staying in the Word, etc. Sometimes I feel evil, like today all of a sudden [I think it was a spiritual attack] I had the urge to laugh at people that were being mocked on a video on youtube I was watching and I realized that was not good. And then I get confused often thinking that I am too young to be Godly, that I have to wait to be old and ''boring'', in my 30's-40's and older, to really follow God, because I keep envisioning younger people supposed to be rebellious but that's not true, I just can't seem to understand my place in this world... this is all so frustrating, it is so hard coming out of a pit of misery like this into Gods light in this dark world we live in
