Prayer is the key
Tenderness is the virtue that allows the love in your heart to be expressed through touch, sight, and speech.
God is love; therefore, during My time on earth, My love was revealed through the touch of My hands,
the gaze of My eyes, and the words I spoke.
—The Love Crucified Community, The Simple Path to Union with God (p. 279)
I believe that, although there are exceptions, men often feel more at ease with aggressive emotions than with tenderness. Yet there are moments when tenderness emerges—toward children who need protection, or towards the elderly. Much of my monastic journey has been about learning to accept these softer emotions. I am still on that path. At times, it is hard to endure the inner landscape of my own heart.
As a late bloomer, I learned early to keep aggression in check—losing fights was not attractive. So, I repressed it, and when repression failed, I endured it. Later, in the Navy and through weightlifting, I became more aware of my aggression, shielded by physical strength. My personality has always been non-threatening, and growing up in a large family taught me how to navigate different temperaments.
Life in the monastery deepened my self-awareness and awakened a longing for inner healing. The more I prayed, the more I sensed this need. For years, I spoke little about it, until around age forty, when the strain began to affect my health. Inner healing is slow, as anyone seeking union with God discovers. I uncovered hidden trust issues beyond my reach. The first step was awareness—recognizing how pain, anger, and mistrust could distort life and breed chaos.
To love God fully, inner healing is essential. Pain is a wake-up call; ignore it, and life becomes harder. Prayer and my relationship with Christ kept me from self-medicating, though food has always been a struggle. Learning self-love has been the hardest lesson—growing through failure, rising again. God commands us to love ourselves, and the fact that it is a command reveals its difficulty.
Breakthroughs often come in dreams or through upheaval—like heart surgery. That crisis exposed my vulnerability and changed me. My heart feels lighter now; I sense love more deeply. It took seventy-six years to reach this point.
It is all grace. My part is simple: show up, get up, don’t give up. Slowly, the Holy Spirit works. Progress is slow because, on many levels, I still wrestle with God. Prayer is the key, and trust opens the heart to Christ Jesus.
—Br. MD
