Okay, im having a issue, so iv been praying about joining the military, i told God if its ment for me let me pass if it isnt let me fail, well i passed the test, im 17 be 18 in January on the 17th well, the thing is, i hate life and everything in it. I have really no family, and the family i have thinks im worthless. Iv been in church for all my life, i trust in God, but iv been through stuff that just isnt funny, dad beat me, step mom beat, mother tried to have my arrested for stupid reasons, cause honestly she is crazy, but i just. . . . i dont know, i treat girls like the bible says how to and i dont yell when we have disagreements i talk it out. Last gf cheated on me, iv been single since, and well my friends and i where talking and we were talking about going to Afghanistan with the Marines which is what we signed up for, im going to be an 0311 Marine Rifleman, and their gf's where like you better come back and etc -basic reaction- cause where putting a combat deployment in our contract. Well they where like yeah yeah we will still a while to go, where Juniors right now, and then they where like Michael your quite dont you wanna come back. . . and im like honestly. . . no, i have nothing to come back too, i have nothing in this life. I want to die to be with Christ like all Christians even paul
"I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far." Philippians 1:23 words from Paul. but i feel as wishing to die overseas is a sin that thinking like this is a sin, im NOT crazy! i just hate myself, life, i love my family and friends even when they hate me. i left all my mistakes at the alter the night i was born again. But i just. . . . i dont know, im not gonna kill myself, no thats foolish but in a sense i am, like im not gonna go over there and stand up and get shot no imma do my job and do it the best i can but in the back of my mind hoping a bullet comes and send me away. . . . to some this sounds crazy well iv had a crazy life. i just. . . . i dont know, and no one has ever gave me a reason to think otherwise, i mean Jesus said we cant hate our own bodies. . . but i do, i hate everything about me, from looks to some actions i do, i dont let this side show often but its getting to me, and everyday im feeling more down. and the Lord spoke to me one day through another pastor and said "seek me above all else, know that i am with you always, read my word for it will give you strength, know that i have a job for you, that there is work that needs to be done sayth thy Lord" iv done everything he has said, i even run a bible study group at my school with my friends, i seek him before i do anything, but yet i just i dont know i still hate life, and no i dont have any secret sin, i cleaned out my cave, i just i dont know. Im worried say the rapture comes im worried i wont go because of my thoughts of not wanting to be here. . . . i would love to have a christian Gf and then a wife and kids, im 17 never had sex, wouldnt feel right, i never made a girl do any sinful act iv had girls try to get me too but i never did em or else i would have a kid by now. but i just i dont know someone help me with this?
"I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far." Philippians 1:23 words from Paul. but i feel as wishing to die overseas is a sin that thinking like this is a sin, im NOT crazy! i just hate myself, life, i love my family and friends even when they hate me. i left all my mistakes at the alter the night i was born again. But i just. . . . i dont know, im not gonna kill myself, no thats foolish but in a sense i am, like im not gonna go over there and stand up and get shot no imma do my job and do it the best i can but in the back of my mind hoping a bullet comes and send me away. . . . to some this sounds crazy well iv had a crazy life. i just. . . . i dont know, and no one has ever gave me a reason to think otherwise, i mean Jesus said we cant hate our own bodies. . . but i do, i hate everything about me, from looks to some actions i do, i dont let this side show often but its getting to me, and everyday im feeling more down. and the Lord spoke to me one day through another pastor and said "seek me above all else, know that i am with you always, read my word for it will give you strength, know that i have a job for you, that there is work that needs to be done sayth thy Lord" iv done everything he has said, i even run a bible study group at my school with my friends, i seek him before i do anything, but yet i just i dont know i still hate life, and no i dont have any secret sin, i cleaned out my cave, i just i dont know. Im worried say the rapture comes im worried i wont go because of my thoughts of not wanting to be here. . . . i would love to have a christian Gf and then a wife and kids, im 17 never had sex, wouldnt feel right, i never made a girl do any sinful act iv had girls try to get me too but i never did em or else i would have a kid by now. but i just i dont know someone help me with this?
