October 21, 2009

I still have healing to do, I just was meditating and it came to me that though my brain(mind) has healed and I no longer have false truths ruling me and no more what if's taking me over---the other day a swarm of cops decended in my yard in chase of a guy who was wanted for aggravated asult, .....I'd just been outside minutes before....the whole thing terrified me at first and the what if's started---what if he had come when I was outside and shoved me back inside and held me hostage!!!!!!!!! what if.........what if.......what if......went on for about 10 minutes and I was working myself into hysterics.....then on one what if....I only got to what if? and then it hit me.,,, oh yea I don't do that anymore......lol.....then it was over. so my mind is good now, no problems that I don'[t have a tool (am equipped now) to handle.But I still have wounds. .........wounds of the heart I guess you could say. like how my daughters dad got to cry foul and tell the world how I hurt him. He hurt me....bad....but instead of telling the world I sucked it up, took the higher ground and never even told a soul until recently. I left him, but only because I really did not think he would care...I don't think he cared really, he just loved drama and being the victim...more than I anyway.....he never missed a beat in telling me what trash I was and what a big man he was to have married low life me.....yea....I had that from my mother all my childhood so continuing that into adulthood---not on my agenda.......so I left...he didn't die over it for christ's sake. I am amazed that to this day there are people, some to whom I am related that believe I had no valid reason to leave that guy and that the reasons they believe , the ones jack told them they believe.....anyone who really knows me knows those reasons could not be true. anyway......wounds like that, rejection, humilation, being decieved by those you trusted.....I have others they just have not yet surfaced ...I don't know how they will heal but I know they will because I believe "nothing missing, nothing broken" will be the end result of all I have endured.