I can't believe how fast time seems like it's moving. I remember running through the whole town in nothing but a pair of shorts because it was too hot at NIGHT to even wear a shirt. Now, I can't get warm, but I'll be the first to say that is sure is beautiful outside. 
So, I really haven't been wondering too much, lately. And luckily, I've been pretty busy. 13-0, people!
I'm grateful that God's been taking it easy on me for the past few months, but I'm starting to slip again. I went to Oklahoma not too long ago for my 13th win, and that was a blast. But, time on the plane made me wonder; will I ever go anywhere with my martial arts? And then after thinking long and hard about if that was what I want to do or not(And I figured it isn't), I started thinking about what else there is for me to do, that I love...
And you know the list I came up with?
I didn't.
There isn't one thing that would make me happy to do for the rest of my life. Does this mean I'm doomed to failure, or a life of unrealistic simplicity by means of minimum wage? I don't know what I want to do, and that's one question I've been asked every day since I was 4, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
My answer was always the same: I don't know. When I' got to the part of my life where I actually HAD to figure this out, I just kept brushing it aside, and saying it wasn't worth my time. I'd find a great job that paid well, I'd have a perfect life, I'd love my God for everything he's done for me....
But, it's the complete opposite. I'm on leave from college, delaying my life even more becuase I don't know what I want to do with my life, I smoke entirely TOO much weed. And yes, there IS a point where it's too much, stoners.
My life is a mess. I don't have that great job. I don't even HAVE a job right now. My relationships always fail, but I do love my God. It may be weird when I say this, but I love Him for everything he hasn't done for me.
Well, I guess that you can't say that He hasn't done anything for me. So I'd be more in the right saying that I love Him for all the trials he's put me through. They say that God will only let you take as much as you can handle, and never any more. Well, I'm walking proof of that, so when you get down, just remember that.
I was seriously going to do something really stupid not too long ago. I did the wrong drug, and long story short, it turned on me. I was alone(which was stupid on its own), trippin', and my mind got flooded with these... Terrible thoughts. (NOTE:I am NOT condoning or supporting the use of any drugs!)
I tried talking to a few people, but just got blown off becuase they were "too busy". They didn't know that I was in the state of mind that I was in, but still... I feel if a friend calls you and says that he/she needs to talk, the least you could do is listen. You could save a life.
But anyways, got blown off, couldn't find anybody to talk to. So, I went for a walk. Well, two hours after wandering around, I ended up at a trussell that's only a few blocks from my house, but it's back in a set of woods right off of a nature trail.
50 feet above French Creek.
3 1/2 foot deep creek with boulders and re-bar from the trussell scattered all throughout the creekbed.
Big wooden posts, the works.
I
Was gonna jump. I'm not going to lie. I felt soo small, and like nobody, not even those closest to me wanted anything to do with me. So, I got on the other side of the railing. Thoughts started racing through my brain. None concerning the people that actually cared about me, just those that didn't. Thoughts of how my life has been horrid, and how I haven't been able to fix it. No thoughts about how it takes more than a year to do what I want to do, just thoughts that I haven't done it yet. I had it in my head, that Hell would be better than Earth, and no thoughts about how Hell lasts an eternity.
I stood there, for what seemed like a few minutes, only to realize when a friend found me that I'd been there for 4 1/2 hours, standing, only thing keeping me from death was a railing I was holding onto, and my shoes not slipping.
How?
How can things get to us soo bad, that we just want nothing to do with anything?
I have so many questions, yet nobody can answer them.
Somebody had me make a list of what was keeping me here, and what good things would come from me dying.
Well, sad to say, the list of things keeping me here was really short. The list of good things taht would come from me dying was, well, long.
I don't know if this person even remembers this, but because of him/her, I've come to realize that those few little things, they're worth living for.
Thank you, person.
So, I really haven't been wondering too much, lately. And luckily, I've been pretty busy. 13-0, people!
I'm grateful that God's been taking it easy on me for the past few months, but I'm starting to slip again. I went to Oklahoma not too long ago for my 13th win, and that was a blast. But, time on the plane made me wonder; will I ever go anywhere with my martial arts? And then after thinking long and hard about if that was what I want to do or not(And I figured it isn't), I started thinking about what else there is for me to do, that I love...
And you know the list I came up with?
I didn't.
There isn't one thing that would make me happy to do for the rest of my life. Does this mean I'm doomed to failure, or a life of unrealistic simplicity by means of minimum wage? I don't know what I want to do, and that's one question I've been asked every day since I was 4, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
My answer was always the same: I don't know. When I' got to the part of my life where I actually HAD to figure this out, I just kept brushing it aside, and saying it wasn't worth my time. I'd find a great job that paid well, I'd have a perfect life, I'd love my God for everything he's done for me....
But, it's the complete opposite. I'm on leave from college, delaying my life even more becuase I don't know what I want to do with my life, I smoke entirely TOO much weed. And yes, there IS a point where it's too much, stoners.
My life is a mess. I don't have that great job. I don't even HAVE a job right now. My relationships always fail, but I do love my God. It may be weird when I say this, but I love Him for everything he hasn't done for me.
Well, I guess that you can't say that He hasn't done anything for me. So I'd be more in the right saying that I love Him for all the trials he's put me through. They say that God will only let you take as much as you can handle, and never any more. Well, I'm walking proof of that, so when you get down, just remember that.
I was seriously going to do something really stupid not too long ago. I did the wrong drug, and long story short, it turned on me. I was alone(which was stupid on its own), trippin', and my mind got flooded with these... Terrible thoughts. (NOTE:I am NOT condoning or supporting the use of any drugs!)
I tried talking to a few people, but just got blown off becuase they were "too busy". They didn't know that I was in the state of mind that I was in, but still... I feel if a friend calls you and says that he/she needs to talk, the least you could do is listen. You could save a life.
But anyways, got blown off, couldn't find anybody to talk to. So, I went for a walk. Well, two hours after wandering around, I ended up at a trussell that's only a few blocks from my house, but it's back in a set of woods right off of a nature trail.
50 feet above French Creek.
3 1/2 foot deep creek with boulders and re-bar from the trussell scattered all throughout the creekbed.
Big wooden posts, the works.
I
Was gonna jump. I'm not going to lie. I felt soo small, and like nobody, not even those closest to me wanted anything to do with me. So, I got on the other side of the railing. Thoughts started racing through my brain. None concerning the people that actually cared about me, just those that didn't. Thoughts of how my life has been horrid, and how I haven't been able to fix it. No thoughts about how it takes more than a year to do what I want to do, just thoughts that I haven't done it yet. I had it in my head, that Hell would be better than Earth, and no thoughts about how Hell lasts an eternity.
I stood there, for what seemed like a few minutes, only to realize when a friend found me that I'd been there for 4 1/2 hours, standing, only thing keeping me from death was a railing I was holding onto, and my shoes not slipping.
How?
How can things get to us soo bad, that we just want nothing to do with anything?
I have so many questions, yet nobody can answer them.
Somebody had me make a list of what was keeping me here, and what good things would come from me dying.
Well, sad to say, the list of things keeping me here was really short. The list of good things taht would come from me dying was, well, long.
I don't know if this person even remembers this, but because of him/her, I've come to realize that those few little things, they're worth living for.
Thank you, person.
