Nothing too deep to write about this time, just getting things out in print so maybe somethings might make more sense.
Lately I have been struggling to pray and read my Bible. I know once I step away from the word, I step away from the presence of God. I haven't stopped or stopped trying, but it seems to have been more difficult to talk with God. My mind wanders off more that it did in the past and I have such a hard time focusing and quieting my mind. I have doubts left and right. I'm not sure who to talk to, and if I even should. I know that I am not the only one that feels like this, so I don't feel isolated. I never liked when people would blame every bad thing that happened in their life on the devil, because I know that sometimes God will test those who love Him, and pull away at times to see if they are true in their words and love for Him. Lately when I pray to God, I feel as if there is a veil over me and over my heart when I talk, whether I talk with Him silently or aloud. It causes me to doubt my own heart and my own words. I question just how much trust I am putting in Him, and when I really think about it, I am shamed that I put less trust in God than I should. I need to be placing COMPLETE trust in my Father, not partial while trying to handle the rest, but completely.
I know, without a doubt in my mind and my heart of hearts, that I love God, but I fear too much and more than it's worth. I'm scared in a lot of ways to just take a step of faith and trust that God will not let me fall. I don't have the faith of a child, or like David, Joshua or Solomon. Nor the trust and absolute faith of Moses or Noah. It was in their weakness that God used them and made them strong. Joshua 1:9 says, "I command you - be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." I tell you, this verse has played through my mind all week long, and it has been hard. I have seen moments where it was only the strength of God that I was able to pull through and make it to the next day. As I'm reading through The Purpose Driven Life, I have been learning so much, and a lot I haven't been able to retain, but something that did stick out was when I read:
"The Holy Spirit releases his power the moment you take a step of faith. When Joshua was faced with an impassible barrier, the floodwaters of the Jordan River receded only AFTER the leaders stepped into the rushing current in obedience and faith." Joshua 3: 13-17
It was this step of faith that the waters departed. Not waiting for it to happen or be done for them, but rather, they took the step into the water and after doing that, and only after, did the waters clear so that they could pass. They didn't stand there and wait till they were filled with the Spirit or felt mighty and righteous, they just trusted in the Lord and did it. So I read this and desire to be at this point. To just step out there and do all that God desires for my life. If that means moving and leaving all I have here, family, friends, music, then if it is for the Kingdom of Heaven, then so be it, I'll leave. Though I question the sincerity of my prayers, I ask God to hear my heart and that I can quiet myself enough to hear His calling. I desire to do His will. I want to be effective in my prayers and He know that I will trust Him with it all, because to me, He already owns it all.
I'm not sure if a lot of this made since, but I do see things and have gained a little focus and the flicker of hope within shines a little brighter as I lay down tonight.
I just want to end with this:
"In the early years of his ministry, Billy Graham went through a time when he struggled with doubts about the accuracy and authority of the Bible. One moonlit night he dropped to his knees in tears and told God that, in spite of confusing passages he didn't understand, from that point on he would completely trust the Bible as the sole authority for his life and ministry. From that day forward, Billy's life was blessed with unusual power and effectiveness." -Rick Warren - The Purpose Driven Life
I want this kind of trust, this kind of brokenness and heart for God. I want to be deprogramed from what the world has taught me and fulfill all that God has planned for me while here on earth.
12:41 AM
Peter S:This touches me in a way that I can describe as a really good sermon. I have for the past few months not been able to trust the bible much, especially the old testament. I have therefore been questioning weather or not I am a child of God. I feel like I'm in a fragile state of mind and that in a year from now I may not be the same person. I am so confused with life right now and I don't know where to turn. I will continue to come on wednesdays so that hopefully you and andy may help me set my mind toward god. I hope that you will continue to put on myspace these things that I can relate to as sermons and that I can trust.
Lately I have been struggling to pray and read my Bible. I know once I step away from the word, I step away from the presence of God. I haven't stopped or stopped trying, but it seems to have been more difficult to talk with God. My mind wanders off more that it did in the past and I have such a hard time focusing and quieting my mind. I have doubts left and right. I'm not sure who to talk to, and if I even should. I know that I am not the only one that feels like this, so I don't feel isolated. I never liked when people would blame every bad thing that happened in their life on the devil, because I know that sometimes God will test those who love Him, and pull away at times to see if they are true in their words and love for Him. Lately when I pray to God, I feel as if there is a veil over me and over my heart when I talk, whether I talk with Him silently or aloud. It causes me to doubt my own heart and my own words. I question just how much trust I am putting in Him, and when I really think about it, I am shamed that I put less trust in God than I should. I need to be placing COMPLETE trust in my Father, not partial while trying to handle the rest, but completely.
I know, without a doubt in my mind and my heart of hearts, that I love God, but I fear too much and more than it's worth. I'm scared in a lot of ways to just take a step of faith and trust that God will not let me fall. I don't have the faith of a child, or like David, Joshua or Solomon. Nor the trust and absolute faith of Moses or Noah. It was in their weakness that God used them and made them strong. Joshua 1:9 says, "I command you - be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." I tell you, this verse has played through my mind all week long, and it has been hard. I have seen moments where it was only the strength of God that I was able to pull through and make it to the next day. As I'm reading through The Purpose Driven Life, I have been learning so much, and a lot I haven't been able to retain, but something that did stick out was when I read:
"The Holy Spirit releases his power the moment you take a step of faith. When Joshua was faced with an impassible barrier, the floodwaters of the Jordan River receded only AFTER the leaders stepped into the rushing current in obedience and faith." Joshua 3: 13-17
It was this step of faith that the waters departed. Not waiting for it to happen or be done for them, but rather, they took the step into the water and after doing that, and only after, did the waters clear so that they could pass. They didn't stand there and wait till they were filled with the Spirit or felt mighty and righteous, they just trusted in the Lord and did it. So I read this and desire to be at this point. To just step out there and do all that God desires for my life. If that means moving and leaving all I have here, family, friends, music, then if it is for the Kingdom of Heaven, then so be it, I'll leave. Though I question the sincerity of my prayers, I ask God to hear my heart and that I can quiet myself enough to hear His calling. I desire to do His will. I want to be effective in my prayers and He know that I will trust Him with it all, because to me, He already owns it all.
I'm not sure if a lot of this made since, but I do see things and have gained a little focus and the flicker of hope within shines a little brighter as I lay down tonight.
I just want to end with this:
"In the early years of his ministry, Billy Graham went through a time when he struggled with doubts about the accuracy and authority of the Bible. One moonlit night he dropped to his knees in tears and told God that, in spite of confusing passages he didn't understand, from that point on he would completely trust the Bible as the sole authority for his life and ministry. From that day forward, Billy's life was blessed with unusual power and effectiveness." -Rick Warren - The Purpose Driven Life
I want this kind of trust, this kind of brokenness and heart for God. I want to be deprogramed from what the world has taught me and fulfill all that God has planned for me while here on earth.
12:41 AM
Peter S:This touches me in a way that I can describe as a really good sermon. I have for the past few months not been able to trust the bible much, especially the old testament. I have therefore been questioning weather or not I am a child of God. I feel like I'm in a fragile state of mind and that in a year from now I may not be the same person. I am so confused with life right now and I don't know where to turn. I will continue to come on wednesdays so that hopefully you and andy may help me set my mind toward god. I hope that you will continue to put on myspace these things that I can relate to as sermons and that I can trust.
