25 October 2010
Obsession and addiction over someone is just as dangerous as being obsessed or addicted to any material thing. I knew I had a problem, but I was far too invested to let go. Even the most practical, rational and logical person can bend and do crazy things when in love. Love can be beautiful, strong, selfless, and sacrifices anything, but an unhealthy love can also be toxic, a venom one that flows deep and slowly poisons your thoughts and actions without your knowledge. The relationship – though we were never really together – did not please God or my parents, and so it was always destined to fail. My mind knew this, but my heart countered my rationale and for years kept fighting for what would never be. My thoughts seemed to always fall on her. It was excessive, tiring, and filled with emotional highs and lows. It was only recently that I realized how deep I was in this situation and had to change. God wanted my attention and to stop running.
The end of June, I began to try and change my feelings. I was so used to being stoic and levelheaded all the time that I had difficulties accepting that I had genuine, real feelings for. Trying to cut the chains that connected us was much harder than I could have imagined. All sorts of emotions took over, gone was the rational, unfeeling person I was once. I was a train wreck of confusion, love, heartbreak, depression, and bitterness. How could she be so okay with us not talking? Why am I hurting so much and she can go on living like nothing happened? Unrequited love sucks because I’m not one to throw my feelings around. I questioned, gave in, regressed, and became angry. I worked as much as I could, drank whenever my body could handle it, and tried to ignore the situation, but no matter what I did I ended up taking two steps back toward the situation, negating all the progress I made. I knew I needed God to help, but I wasn’t willing to take it just yet.
It’s been 4 months of trying to sever ties or change my feelings for the person. A month ago, I had a relapse and all the struggles I thought I had overcome during the summer came rushing back, knocking me off my feet and drowning me in a sea of unbearable feelings. Every day is a struggle. Even the smallest goals of not texting her or thinking about her are so difficult. I can’t go a day without thinking or texting her. Tears and desperate attempts to make the pain stop took hold. I take things a day at a time, but even that proves arduous. How do you stop having feelings for someone you’ve cared for for years? How do you handle knowing that when you finally wholly open yourself up to someone and truly feel love, that person doesn’t love or care for you in the same respect? How do you let go of year’s worth of feelings and attachments? Turn to God. I’ve run for so long, and I know He’s the only one who can heal my heart and take these feelings away. I’ve been stuck in a pit for years and refused to get out. For days, my stomach felt uncomfortable as if I had had too much to eat without even eating. I couldn’t tell if I was hungry or if it was the anxiety manifesting itself into an uneasy stomach. When I felt pains, was it because I was hungry or just stressed? When I suffer, I suffer alone. I don’t ask for help, I cry by myself, I let my pride win. But now I have no pride left to keep myself alone.
Obsession and addiction over someone is just as dangerous as being obsessed or addicted to any material thing. I knew I had a problem, but I was far too invested to let go. Even the most practical, rational and logical person can bend and do crazy things when in love. Love can be beautiful, strong, selfless, and sacrifices anything, but an unhealthy love can also be toxic, a venom one that flows deep and slowly poisons your thoughts and actions without your knowledge. The relationship – though we were never really together – did not please God or my parents, and so it was always destined to fail. My mind knew this, but my heart countered my rationale and for years kept fighting for what would never be. My thoughts seemed to always fall on her. It was excessive, tiring, and filled with emotional highs and lows. It was only recently that I realized how deep I was in this situation and had to change. God wanted my attention and to stop running.
The end of June, I began to try and change my feelings. I was so used to being stoic and levelheaded all the time that I had difficulties accepting that I had genuine, real feelings for. Trying to cut the chains that connected us was much harder than I could have imagined. All sorts of emotions took over, gone was the rational, unfeeling person I was once. I was a train wreck of confusion, love, heartbreak, depression, and bitterness. How could she be so okay with us not talking? Why am I hurting so much and she can go on living like nothing happened? Unrequited love sucks because I’m not one to throw my feelings around. I questioned, gave in, regressed, and became angry. I worked as much as I could, drank whenever my body could handle it, and tried to ignore the situation, but no matter what I did I ended up taking two steps back toward the situation, negating all the progress I made. I knew I needed God to help, but I wasn’t willing to take it just yet.
It’s been 4 months of trying to sever ties or change my feelings for the person. A month ago, I had a relapse and all the struggles I thought I had overcome during the summer came rushing back, knocking me off my feet and drowning me in a sea of unbearable feelings. Every day is a struggle. Even the smallest goals of not texting her or thinking about her are so difficult. I can’t go a day without thinking or texting her. Tears and desperate attempts to make the pain stop took hold. I take things a day at a time, but even that proves arduous. How do you stop having feelings for someone you’ve cared for for years? How do you handle knowing that when you finally wholly open yourself up to someone and truly feel love, that person doesn’t love or care for you in the same respect? How do you let go of year’s worth of feelings and attachments? Turn to God. I’ve run for so long, and I know He’s the only one who can heal my heart and take these feelings away. I’ve been stuck in a pit for years and refused to get out. For days, my stomach felt uncomfortable as if I had had too much to eat without even eating. I couldn’t tell if I was hungry or if it was the anxiety manifesting itself into an uneasy stomach. When I felt pains, was it because I was hungry or just stressed? When I suffer, I suffer alone. I don’t ask for help, I cry by myself, I let my pride win. But now I have no pride left to keep myself alone.
