new life

when i get into a depression, i lose sight of everything. i make up excuses so i can do bad things that comfort me. im going to come clean so i can have people pray for me. since janurary ive been dealing with a spiritual battle.i would have victories in Christ but then satan with his fiery darts would try to get me. flash forward to this past month. i moved back with my mom. she doesnt drink or smoke infront of me because she knows i battle with these demons. so when she goes to bed..ill admit ive been drinking and smoking cigarettes. heavily. ive been hiding vodka in my car and when she goes to bed, i go out and just drink. i cry. i hate myself. i get drunk and pass out and sleep. this is not the amanda ive been working on to overcome. i just use my depression and anxiety and recently diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. i let these get to my head and i lose whats important..JESUS. jesus conquered death. Jesus conquered depression. and yet here i am dying to my flesh instead of rising up and taking a stand. i used to think my life didnt matter. that im just a natural born sinner and nothing good can come from me. that maybe God isnt real and that maybe i should just take all my sleeping medication at once that i recently got prescribed because i cant sleep. my suicidal thoughts were flooding back to me. ive been going to counselling 3 times a week untop of seeing a psychiatrist. i dont want to live like this, but i gave up hope. i gave up thinking God loved me. i just wanted out. but for some reason i still went to church. it gave me peace for an hour on a sunday. my friend told me to go to this womens ministry they were having and i havent left the house to do anything but go to church or a doctors appointment. i used to go out with friends and laugh. ive been around people lately who bring out my temptations and its easy for me to sin. but i did go to the womens ministry and it opened my eyes. everybody sins and everybody falls. everybody has problems, but yet they turn to God. for the first time in a very long time ive felt God inside of me. when i came home last night i prayed, i cried, i asked for forgiveness. today i shared my testimony with the women. a different testimony. at my church im known as the girl who dances with her friends as she worships. this woman came up to me after i shared saying i inspire her to worship with all of her heart instead of just standing there. that made me feel good I could make somebody get closer to God by me just being myself. so then again after people talked and i heard the word of God and cried some more. i came home and yet again here i am falling into my own weakness. drinking, smoking when just a few hours ago i was talking about how much I love God. well God put me to sleep around 7pm. i woke up around midnight. i had the urge to pour all my alcohol down the drain. i crushed almost a whole box of cigarettes. ive done this before so many times. welcome to the life of an addict. i flushed my sleeping pills down the toilet, cried and prayed, and prayed somemore. I put all my non christian music on my ipod to a different playlist so that way there i still have it, but i really should be listening to christian music. i journalled all my feelings of pain and hurt. i want to make my counselling just once a week and see the psychiatrist once a month. i joined the womens ministry and made so many new friends. im getting involved more in my church. im starting a christian book club too with a lady i just met because we both like to read. i really feel like this is the last time im going to fall in my addiction. im getting professional help and actually going to talk about this. im going to go to an AA meeting sometime this week. i never knew how bad addictions are, but through Jesus i know i can conquer anything. I just have to trust him. He will pick me up when im down. im starting over. i got a new job. new friends. new outlook. and most importantly a new way of loving God. I have so much i can offer God through my own special gifts and ill be damned if i keep letting MYSELF get in the way.

Dear Jesus,
I know I am not perfect and I have alot of things I NEED your help with. This is the last time Im going to wander down the addiction trail. With the help of your saving grace just let me remember this day. Just remind me that you are here for me always. My heart has changed because of you. I want to live now, not die in sin or bondage. The only way I can do this is because YOU LOVE ME ENOUGH TO DIE FOR ME. I dont want my selfish sinful behavior put nails into your flesh. I dont want your innocent lamb blood to bleed because I'm weak and I feel I cant ask for help. Well now Jesus, Im pouring my love for you. Im emptying out all of my negativity so you can fill that void with your love. Jesus guide me to be a disciple instead of a follower. Allow me to become a strong woman who leads others to you. Forgive me of all of my past sins and wrong doings. Allow others to forgive me as I forgive others who trespassed against me. Let my pride tumble down like the walls of Jericho. Dont let me judge others for I dont want to be judged anymore. Allow me to live as a child of God as you intend it. Dont let my light get dim or burn out. Fuel my fire Jesus. For nothing is impossible for you O Lord, My God who is always the same. You love me for who I am and you see the goodness and kindess in me. Allow more of that to show. I know this wont happen overnight but Jesus you can move mountains. Help me move this mountain even if it has to be stone by stone. Bless those in my life. Past, Present and Future. I love you Jesus. Amen.

God bless you all who pray for me and take the time to read what I have to say.