It occurs to me the more i write that i'm in need of a new language, a new mode of expression. So much of what i've sought to convey has had that inherent mixed message dilemma, that kind of "please read between the lines and realize that while i'm speaking the uttermost despair of the depths of my feeling soul in as literal terms as possible, deep down inside a part of me is screaming for you to see me, to hear me underneath this stone door i'm slamming shut in your face, and to care enough to come seek me and find me." Well that just won't do anymore, because that's no longer the case.
For starters, the despair no longer has an emotional component to it called "despair, the emotion". It has settled into a philosophical fulcrum of sorts, way beyond emotional vicissitudes. It exists and persists despite the surface tides of apparent laughter or sorrow, calm or discontent, etc. It's a settled thing. I don't question it anymore because it's not emotional. It's more solid than that. It's more stable than that. It's more persistent than that. Despair would not be the right word for those who attach an emotional component to the term but of course strictly philosophically speaking, the term fits. It's the telos of despair, the end product without an interruptible process that could be halted.
Thus when i communicate, i'm not trying to send a mixed message. There's no metaphorical "trojan horse" involved, and if anyone's reading one into it, they aren't really paying attention, or else they would be projecting things onto it they'd like to see to make me more palatable to themselves. When i say God hurt and abused me, for example, i'm saying precisely that. i'm not secretly crying out in some hidden cypher, "please someone anyone convince me otherwise," because the truth of the matter is, at this point i really could NOT be convinced otherwise by anyone but God Himself, only He's not about to change.
Also, i've noticed for some time that people don't seem to "get" this discrepancy between the emotional reaction or response versus the objective and detached observation. For example, making a statement about one's lot in life, where one's lot has been the crap end of the stick, tends to get interpreted as a bid for pity at best and a self-pity-party whine at worst, but not for precisely what it is at that moment: nothing more nor less than an absolutely objective, detached observation which comes as the sum total of various experiences, patterns discerned, and observations made. No emotions attached whatsoever, and no bid for anything, least of all pity.
Yet apparently the humans have some sort of unspoken taboo against making an objective observation that X or Y seems to always go to crap for you, or that life always seems to deal you X or Y, and they express this taboo through a series of shame-spins on your statements which violate said taboo, in order to diminish and invalidate such statements by making them appear to originate from a source of intent from which, in fact, they did not so originate.
Similar taboos seem to apply with regard to suicidal feelings. You cannot discuss feeling horrible enough to wish you could take your life without that being interpreted as an active threat or warning that you intend to do so and then, if/when you do not, having that in turn further interpreted as some kind of indication that you have no real feelings but instead are simply some kind of pity-partyer or attention-harlot. Why can it not simply be that one can feel awful enough to wish to die but also know at the same time one will never actually perform the act of suicide? *shrug*
Who knows. In the end, something always offends someone else, and then everyone wants to turn it into a federal case about what a horrible person YOU happen to be for not tailoring your every freaking expression to their tastes and boundaries. However, when it's themselves or one of their "pals" offending, oh suddenly it's all different and heaven forbid you should ever say that anything they say or do offends you. No, then you deserve to be strung up, flayed, skinned alive and crucified, for not tacitly accepting their default position that you alone should be singled out as the exception to the rule and disallowed any feelings or needs of your own because after all, yours alone don't matter. And that's just the internet, not even talking about the perils of 3-d interactions which can go far worse but play out far more subtly.
But i've digressed, and that's neither here nor there. What's here and now would be this: that i seriously need to find new ways to communicate, because the ways i've adapted as my method of doing so for the past 25 years no longer applies. i'm no longer divided inside. i'm unified within myself. i'm no longer the trapped human crying out with the voice of the demon incapable of saying anything but the demon's words, but desperately hoping someone will see me trapped in here and set the wheels in motion to come to my rescue. Now i'm the demon itself, making itself heard, and that's what my human self happens to be, vox Luciferi in its own independent right.
People can think that makes me even more "lost" or far "worse off" than i've ever been before, but i don't see it. I'm not getting more confused; au contraire, I'm getting more clarity each day. I'm not getting sicker; I'm getting stronger, and sounder in mind and body. People whined and complained at me for over a bloody year on this site that my only problem lay in somehow not taking responsibility for myself (a misconception they derived by passing false judgments against my refusal to stop regarding myself as inhabited by demons just because they wanted to claim my perception came from some ulterior motive that never existed in the first place). Now that I'm doing so, I'm finding more than ever how very much people get invested in, and addicted to, needing others to be needy, helpless, and powerless so they can feel validated. i won't deny i still have times i feel needy, helpless, and powerless -- and just plain scared -- but i won't pretend this to be where i feel myself headed when i jettison toxic religion in favor of independent freethought and even consideration of the non-theistic paradigm. and i won't pretend to be confused when the vox Luciferi speaks; au contraire i experience a state closer to sanity, clear-mindedness, and personal empowerment in my sense of who i am and why i exist than at other times.
in fact, as i look back over my life, and where i have been, where i have gone, and where i've ended up at times, i find myself, objectively speaking, very hard pressed to name anything outside of toxic religion -- of the christian variety in particular -- as the worst contributor to my miseries. Ironically this seems to invoke Christ's own statement that "when the light that is within you is turned to darkness, how great that darkness is indeed!" But it's true. Without christianity, i could be perfectly happy in the relationship i've had with Lucifer. Without christianity, i could have been perfectly content to remain a non-theist flavored mystic like i'd been in my teens. Without christianity, i would still have my innocence. Without christianity, i would not have had the pursuits and seeking i've done tainted by the constant looking-over-the-shoulder sense of someone going to "get" me any day now for needing something they refused to provide when they might have done so. Without christianity, i could conceivably have passed most of my adult life as an atheist or at least a non-theist and been none the worse for wear and in fact probably far less anxiety-ridden, neurotic, paranoid and frustrated.
i know this won't be a popular post with many who count themselves my "friends" here. But i have to speak the truth, and this would be where i see the truth pointing right now. That it seems to change when the proverbial wind blows is no indicator that clarity has ceased to be clarity, or truth, truth. It simply indicates the degree to which the perceptive vehicle has been rendered sick and dysfunctional by being steeped in the toxic memes found in bad religion, which in turn have created emotional components which, going unresolved and being exacerbated by unscrupulous types, form complexes and dynamics that "act out" internally with a life of their own. That does not reflect upon either reality itself nor upon healthier people who make their peace with it. Perhaps if i can make my peace, i, too, can become healthier and happier in time. All i know for sure is that the christian religion has not helped me do so thus far, and the devices meant to make this easier -- such as the old cliche about how God really isn't like this or that, that's just mean bad wicked humans who do bad things in His name -- really just don't cut it anymore or help me get through it. No, it's not just the mere humans. It's the godform itself.
And i need a new language, because this old one gets mistranslated. when i say "i'm fine", they hear "help me!" when i say, "no, really, this is my voice and my story," they hear, "i'm deluded by satan, please rescue me!" So clearly i need a new language, or they need a new Translator, because we are seriously Not Connecting here. :o
For starters, the despair no longer has an emotional component to it called "despair, the emotion". It has settled into a philosophical fulcrum of sorts, way beyond emotional vicissitudes. It exists and persists despite the surface tides of apparent laughter or sorrow, calm or discontent, etc. It's a settled thing. I don't question it anymore because it's not emotional. It's more solid than that. It's more stable than that. It's more persistent than that. Despair would not be the right word for those who attach an emotional component to the term but of course strictly philosophically speaking, the term fits. It's the telos of despair, the end product without an interruptible process that could be halted.
Thus when i communicate, i'm not trying to send a mixed message. There's no metaphorical "trojan horse" involved, and if anyone's reading one into it, they aren't really paying attention, or else they would be projecting things onto it they'd like to see to make me more palatable to themselves. When i say God hurt and abused me, for example, i'm saying precisely that. i'm not secretly crying out in some hidden cypher, "please someone anyone convince me otherwise," because the truth of the matter is, at this point i really could NOT be convinced otherwise by anyone but God Himself, only He's not about to change.
Also, i've noticed for some time that people don't seem to "get" this discrepancy between the emotional reaction or response versus the objective and detached observation. For example, making a statement about one's lot in life, where one's lot has been the crap end of the stick, tends to get interpreted as a bid for pity at best and a self-pity-party whine at worst, but not for precisely what it is at that moment: nothing more nor less than an absolutely objective, detached observation which comes as the sum total of various experiences, patterns discerned, and observations made. No emotions attached whatsoever, and no bid for anything, least of all pity.
Yet apparently the humans have some sort of unspoken taboo against making an objective observation that X or Y seems to always go to crap for you, or that life always seems to deal you X or Y, and they express this taboo through a series of shame-spins on your statements which violate said taboo, in order to diminish and invalidate such statements by making them appear to originate from a source of intent from which, in fact, they did not so originate.
Similar taboos seem to apply with regard to suicidal feelings. You cannot discuss feeling horrible enough to wish you could take your life without that being interpreted as an active threat or warning that you intend to do so and then, if/when you do not, having that in turn further interpreted as some kind of indication that you have no real feelings but instead are simply some kind of pity-partyer or attention-harlot. Why can it not simply be that one can feel awful enough to wish to die but also know at the same time one will never actually perform the act of suicide? *shrug*
Who knows. In the end, something always offends someone else, and then everyone wants to turn it into a federal case about what a horrible person YOU happen to be for not tailoring your every freaking expression to their tastes and boundaries. However, when it's themselves or one of their "pals" offending, oh suddenly it's all different and heaven forbid you should ever say that anything they say or do offends you. No, then you deserve to be strung up, flayed, skinned alive and crucified, for not tacitly accepting their default position that you alone should be singled out as the exception to the rule and disallowed any feelings or needs of your own because after all, yours alone don't matter. And that's just the internet, not even talking about the perils of 3-d interactions which can go far worse but play out far more subtly.
But i've digressed, and that's neither here nor there. What's here and now would be this: that i seriously need to find new ways to communicate, because the ways i've adapted as my method of doing so for the past 25 years no longer applies. i'm no longer divided inside. i'm unified within myself. i'm no longer the trapped human crying out with the voice of the demon incapable of saying anything but the demon's words, but desperately hoping someone will see me trapped in here and set the wheels in motion to come to my rescue. Now i'm the demon itself, making itself heard, and that's what my human self happens to be, vox Luciferi in its own independent right.
People can think that makes me even more "lost" or far "worse off" than i've ever been before, but i don't see it. I'm not getting more confused; au contraire, I'm getting more clarity each day. I'm not getting sicker; I'm getting stronger, and sounder in mind and body. People whined and complained at me for over a bloody year on this site that my only problem lay in somehow not taking responsibility for myself (a misconception they derived by passing false judgments against my refusal to stop regarding myself as inhabited by demons just because they wanted to claim my perception came from some ulterior motive that never existed in the first place). Now that I'm doing so, I'm finding more than ever how very much people get invested in, and addicted to, needing others to be needy, helpless, and powerless so they can feel validated. i won't deny i still have times i feel needy, helpless, and powerless -- and just plain scared -- but i won't pretend this to be where i feel myself headed when i jettison toxic religion in favor of independent freethought and even consideration of the non-theistic paradigm. and i won't pretend to be confused when the vox Luciferi speaks; au contraire i experience a state closer to sanity, clear-mindedness, and personal empowerment in my sense of who i am and why i exist than at other times.
in fact, as i look back over my life, and where i have been, where i have gone, and where i've ended up at times, i find myself, objectively speaking, very hard pressed to name anything outside of toxic religion -- of the christian variety in particular -- as the worst contributor to my miseries. Ironically this seems to invoke Christ's own statement that "when the light that is within you is turned to darkness, how great that darkness is indeed!" But it's true. Without christianity, i could be perfectly happy in the relationship i've had with Lucifer. Without christianity, i could have been perfectly content to remain a non-theist flavored mystic like i'd been in my teens. Without christianity, i would still have my innocence. Without christianity, i would not have had the pursuits and seeking i've done tainted by the constant looking-over-the-shoulder sense of someone going to "get" me any day now for needing something they refused to provide when they might have done so. Without christianity, i could conceivably have passed most of my adult life as an atheist or at least a non-theist and been none the worse for wear and in fact probably far less anxiety-ridden, neurotic, paranoid and frustrated.
i know this won't be a popular post with many who count themselves my "friends" here. But i have to speak the truth, and this would be where i see the truth pointing right now. That it seems to change when the proverbial wind blows is no indicator that clarity has ceased to be clarity, or truth, truth. It simply indicates the degree to which the perceptive vehicle has been rendered sick and dysfunctional by being steeped in the toxic memes found in bad religion, which in turn have created emotional components which, going unresolved and being exacerbated by unscrupulous types, form complexes and dynamics that "act out" internally with a life of their own. That does not reflect upon either reality itself nor upon healthier people who make their peace with it. Perhaps if i can make my peace, i, too, can become healthier and happier in time. All i know for sure is that the christian religion has not helped me do so thus far, and the devices meant to make this easier -- such as the old cliche about how God really isn't like this or that, that's just mean bad wicked humans who do bad things in His name -- really just don't cut it anymore or help me get through it. No, it's not just the mere humans. It's the godform itself.
And i need a new language, because this old one gets mistranslated. when i say "i'm fine", they hear "help me!" when i say, "no, really, this is my voice and my story," they hear, "i'm deluded by satan, please rescue me!" So clearly i need a new language, or they need a new Translator, because we are seriously Not Connecting here. :o