Needing Spiritual Help

I have an issue where when I get angry, I may hit someone that I care for. And I know I care for the person because I go through extreme lengths to make them happy. The first time this happened was with my ex-fiance'. When we were in a relationship with each other, I used an umbrella to hit him on his throat a few times. We got into a heated argument and I remember in my heart how I felt tired of being disrespected and then it happened. I apologized but later on that year we broke things off as he commenced a relationship with a young lady while still being with me. I deserved that. Two years later, we ended up being together again, this time becoming engaged. It was the followed by him calling me 30-50 times during the night to see if I was okay, sleeping in front of my door throughout the night. Then, it happened again. He said I was cheating on him when I never had, and I punched about 4-5 times on his chest. As I ran away from him after I seen what I had done, he then yelled out to do it again. One day he pinned me to his bed to not leave his home; he also broke through doors because I told him I didn't want to have sex with him. He told me how could I let other people do it to me, but not him. Another night we got into a dispute, I left and he followed me. I told him to stop following me and he continued to do so. I told him how the arguing was breaking my voice and I felt a little blood come up. He then said it's because of male genitals being thrust into my throat which is how that would happen. I hit him again, on his face, I wanted to slap him, but it ended up being an awkward punch on his cheek. We made up, still he would ask me odd things, we skyped each other. He used a knife to pretend suicide if I got off the Skype with him. I would yell and scream and tell him how much I hate him and can't stand him. How he's trash and scum. We went to a Christmas party where he thought I was sleeping with random guys that came in the party. On New's Year Eve after I told him again how I hated him and wanted him out of my life, he stopped the car on the highway and walked into the highway saying how he wanted to die. I ran out after him so he wouldn't hurt himself. I caught him attempting to slit his wrist, he came to my job always, accusing me of having oral intimacy with my male patients. He had a tracker on my phone that took pictures of me. He said that I was over a neighbor's house having intimacy with many men. He called me a prostitute. I called him names too. But, the whole point is that this all occurred in my walk with Christ. One day on my way to a counseling session, he accused me of being pregnant, as well as being pregnant for someone else. I threatened him that I would fatally hurt him and threw a foam cup of water at him, so I would not hit him for a fourth time. He accused me of having a urine bag because the way it came out was "funny". He also checked me from the rear to see if I had been intimate with guys from there. I need prayer, I need strength, I need help. I know that I made mistakes. I don't know how to overcome it. I recently punched my 13 year old nephew on the shoulder for what I felt was him mocking me, I get scared and think maybe I've snapped. I grabbed a suction out of my patient's mouth in frustration. I don't know where this is really coming from. Am I really abusive? Do I have hope to change? I'm asking God for answers. I don't know what to do I feel trapped.