November 8th is special for me, because it marked a pivotal moment in my faith last year. Why do I consider it my birthday? I hope you are blessed by this testimony:
If you asked me whether I believed in God exactly one year ago, I probably would have said no—although I had attended church for most of my life, I went out of habit in high school. I remember going to Bible study in middle school, only to ignore opening it up until the next Sunday; I sung the songs during service, but because I liked the music, not because I believed in God.
I came to Penn with great doubts. The summer beforehand, I read writings by atheists and worshipped their modes of thinking. And because I was stuck in those modes, I stopped attending church regularly my freshman year of college.
Freshman year was a year of ups and downs. I entered into my first serious relationship and received my first C+. The things I worshipped let me down continually. At the end of the summer, I became very emotional when my girlfriend and I broke up. Needless to say, I entered sophomore year with a set of fresh battle wounds.
The first day of move-in, I opened up to my roommate, Harold, who took me to Grace Covenant Church with him. After going through a tough year, I came to GCC with a divided heart that was not fully receptive to the Word. Still, I was surprised by the way the Christians at GCC welcomed me with open arms and encouraging smiles. Questions continued to persist at I continued to attend church, but it was comforting to know my doubts, concerns, and questions were not being ignored.
Exactly one year ago, I was able to break free from my self-constructed walls of agnosticism.
The following is my attempt to describe the experience that led me to that conclusion:
The pastor had just finished his message. I bowed my head, but shortly after we started, I noticed him approaching me in the corner of my eye. I saw Pastor Sam Lee touch heads and cause attendees to faint before. When I saw these things, my mind reacted with skepticism. I thought to myself, ‘That would never happen to me.’
He stopped, placed his hand gently on my forehead, and started praying. With a firm voice, he said, “Let the glory of the LORD be released in him.”
My eyes slowly began to shut. I tried to resist, but my muscles relaxed, and I fell backwards. It was a strange experience fainting during a church service: laying on the ground, semi-conscious, wanting to wake up but with no desire or impulse to. Even in my slumber, I was able to hear what was going on around me.
At some point while I was lying in the aisle, I began seeing indefinable shapes—like a light penetrating through the darkness. The light kept on shrinking and growing bigger. This went on for about two minutes. And somehow, as unexpected as its presence was, it left in the same fashion as it came.
I remember that day as clearly as it were yesterday. I wrote a description of it down and thought deeply about its significance. After conferencing with a GCC pastor, Shan Gian, we concluded that God was trying to tell me something: to experience life outside of my logical and intellectual thinking.
For a long time as an atheist, I wanted visual confirmation of God’s existence. But I could not explain away this particular experience. I could not shrug it off as a coincidence. Ultimately it became my proof of God’s existence.
My struggles haven’t gone away, but now, I can take comfort in the fact that I can learn through difficult experiences. I know He cares about me and that all of my questions will be answered one day.
The central passage through my Christian life has been this verse: Proverbs 3:5, which reads, “Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.”
In my previous life, I had put God in a box. I now realize it is futile to do so—human deduction and reasoning cannot come to a complete understanding or comprehension of the divine.
I struggle with sin daily, but I have joy because God’s love is unconditional. He loves us no matter what—even we disobey His commands. He loved me so much that he gave me visual and aural confirmation of his existence. He loved me so much that He put Harold, Shan, and other GCC’ers into my life to encourage me. Finally, He loved me so much that He died for me. That’s why I believe in God. That’s why I love Him.
