Backslider... Prodigal...Turning your face away... Not sure really the difference between them if there is any. But that's what I've been doing for the past 12 years. Before that, I could never understand how anyone could do that to God once they tasted His goodness, once they lived in His love. I had some friends who had really loved the Lord, and for some reason or other, started backsliding. I didn't know how to reach them, didn't know how to help them. I didn't understand. I knew they were lonely. I could see they were unhappy and chasing after things that would never satisfy, but I just didn't know how to help them. I prayed for understanding... perhaps that is why I went on the journey I have been on.
When my mom died, after the initial heaviness of my heart subsided some (which took a few years), enough where I could feel something other than the pain of missing her, I realized I was angry. Angry at God for taking her. Surely He could have allowed her to survive, recover from her injuries... She was in a car accident, broke her neck at C2 (doctors didn't understand why she wasn't paralyzed and was still able to breathe on her own). She died at the accident but was revived, and survived three more weeks in the hospital, through traction and surgeries and got to a point where everyone believed she was going to make it through. Only one doctor out of many kept telling us she wasn't out of the woods yet. Her body was so badly bruised, it would only take one blood clot to dislodge and find its way to her heart or lungs. And that is what happened. A blood clot to her lungs in the middle of the night. I was the only family member that stayed with her the whole three weeks. I was the last one to say goodnight to her and tell her how much I loved her. She asked me to stay all night with her that night, but I didn't since the hospital rules were visitor hours ended at 11 pm. How I regret that I didn't stay. How I regret that I was such a stickler for following rules. How awful I feel that she had to die alone. I vow I will never have such regrets again...
But anger at God. Now that was something I just didn't know how to handle. I had never approached Him in anger. I could never understand how someone could be angry at such a loving God. But the truth is, I was. I am.
I am very thankful that my mom survived the accident, that I had three blessed weeks with her after that, where we just sat and talked, and expressed our love for each other. So thankful. I am so thankful that I had the mom I did. And I give all that gratefulness to God, because I know he gave me someone special in my mother. But I wasn't ready for her to be taken. And I wasn't willing to admit that for a very long long time.
So I drifted. I guess when one doesn't know how to speak to God when they are angry, they just avoid Him. At least that is what I did. I still prayed, but it was polite, not heartfelt. It was more like going through the motions because it was expected. It wasn't long before others began to notice. I was even told I lost my "Christian glow" - well that made me angrier. Because I thought I was doing a pretty good job of fooling everyone. After all, I was fooling myself. So I decided to stop being fake about it and basically live my life the way I felt I should go at the moment. A life without God, since I really couldn't talk to Him anymore.
Twelve years later... God had brought a few people into my life during that time to say gentle things to me, to make me think about my anger and it being misdirected. With those words planted deeply inside me, He brought me to a place of loneliness once again. Where all I have is what is in me. He has brought me to a place surrounded by His majesty. The snow capped mountains, the deep forests, the clear running rivers. I see Him everyday when I look out my window, everyday I hear His voice on the breeze and in the wind as it moves through the treetops, everynight, I see Him when I look up into the dark sky filled with bright, twinkling stars. And He is silent, watching patiently, waiting for me.
So I relented, and half-heartedly made some attempts to finding my way back to Him. I started to read my bible again, I joined CF, I started to acknowledge His presence in my life. I didn't know what I was looking for, I didn't know what He wanted for me, all I knew was that I wasn't getting it. There was a deep longing within me that was not being filled, though what it was I couldn't say.
And then, CF started having problems. The posting was all messed up, fellowship was next to impossible and with it the chance of me making friends, the counting threads I had been posting in were downright frustrating. So, I decided to just read some older forums, and I wandered around the site just reading, and reading. And it was then I found something very special. An old thread in Deeper Fellowship titled "Growing in Christ" by leastone. I devoured it. Like I was starving. I guess, I was so starved, I didn't even realize I was hungry anymore, until I was getting fed. I made it to page four of the thread before I was broken and reduced to tears. Strangely, after I found that thread, CF went offline for a day.
With no other distractions, I thought about the things I read. The things I knew before, the way things were between the Lord and I then, and how things were now. I've been attacked a few times. Satan certainly likes to get his say in things. The ever present "If you go back to God, you will have a lot of amends to make to people for things you have said and done..." And Satan was finally silenced when I answered, "I will go where the Lord leads me."
I have no idea where He is leading me. But it doesn't matter. I know He will prepare me for the journey and that no matter where He leads, it will bring me closer to Him. As long as I remain willing to follow. One thing I have learned and I don't know how important this is or isn't, but a backsliding Christian, when they are returning, cannot return to the milk of the word, they need to return to wherever it was they left off, but they don't realize this. It makes me think about the story of the prodigal son from a whole different perspective. I never truly understood it before. I always thought the father should have scolded him, or made him work hard to earn back some favour or even to just earn back the right to be there, earn back some trust. Afterall, what is stopping him from leaving again?
"And he got up and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him, and felt compassion for him, and ran and embraced him, and kissed him. And the son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight; I am no longer worthy to be called your son.' But the father said to his slaves, 'Quickly bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet; and bring the fattened calf, kill it, and let us eat and be merry; for this son of mine was dead, and has come to life again; he was lost, and has been found.' (Luke 15:20-24)
The son is looking at the years he wasted, the past. For those who do not know, being away from God is not by any means fun. It is an empty, cold place. A place that no matter what you do or what you achieve, it is never truly satisfying. You always need something else because nothing truly makes you happy. At least this has been my experience. The prodigal son will likely look at his past for a long time to come, perhaps for the rest of his life.
The father, knowing this, acts quickly... Welcoming him home, restoring his place, loving him, feeding him, rejoicing, not punishing him for his past in any way. This is important. Because living life away from God really is punishment enough.
My dear heavenly Father,
I do not know what it is I should do, I do not know what is wrong within me, I do not know what I have hardened towards You. But I trust You and know that You can fix whatever it is that I have made so messed up. Please give me the ears to hear, the heart to understand and the eagerness to follow You where ever You lead me to go. Rekindle in me the love I once had for You, stoke that fire in me to burn away all the dross I have picked up along the way. Sweep out all the cobwebs from every corner of my heart and fill me with Your Spirit once again. Sweet Jesus, please give my mom a hug for me.
originally posted March 30, 2008 - replaced August 20, 2008.
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When my mom died, after the initial heaviness of my heart subsided some (which took a few years), enough where I could feel something other than the pain of missing her, I realized I was angry. Angry at God for taking her. Surely He could have allowed her to survive, recover from her injuries... She was in a car accident, broke her neck at C2 (doctors didn't understand why she wasn't paralyzed and was still able to breathe on her own). She died at the accident but was revived, and survived three more weeks in the hospital, through traction and surgeries and got to a point where everyone believed she was going to make it through. Only one doctor out of many kept telling us she wasn't out of the woods yet. Her body was so badly bruised, it would only take one blood clot to dislodge and find its way to her heart or lungs. And that is what happened. A blood clot to her lungs in the middle of the night. I was the only family member that stayed with her the whole three weeks. I was the last one to say goodnight to her and tell her how much I loved her. She asked me to stay all night with her that night, but I didn't since the hospital rules were visitor hours ended at 11 pm. How I regret that I didn't stay. How I regret that I was such a stickler for following rules. How awful I feel that she had to die alone. I vow I will never have such regrets again...
But anger at God. Now that was something I just didn't know how to handle. I had never approached Him in anger. I could never understand how someone could be angry at such a loving God. But the truth is, I was. I am.
I am very thankful that my mom survived the accident, that I had three blessed weeks with her after that, where we just sat and talked, and expressed our love for each other. So thankful. I am so thankful that I had the mom I did. And I give all that gratefulness to God, because I know he gave me someone special in my mother. But I wasn't ready for her to be taken. And I wasn't willing to admit that for a very long long time.
So I drifted. I guess when one doesn't know how to speak to God when they are angry, they just avoid Him. At least that is what I did. I still prayed, but it was polite, not heartfelt. It was more like going through the motions because it was expected. It wasn't long before others began to notice. I was even told I lost my "Christian glow" - well that made me angrier. Because I thought I was doing a pretty good job of fooling everyone. After all, I was fooling myself. So I decided to stop being fake about it and basically live my life the way I felt I should go at the moment. A life without God, since I really couldn't talk to Him anymore.
Twelve years later... God had brought a few people into my life during that time to say gentle things to me, to make me think about my anger and it being misdirected. With those words planted deeply inside me, He brought me to a place of loneliness once again. Where all I have is what is in me. He has brought me to a place surrounded by His majesty. The snow capped mountains, the deep forests, the clear running rivers. I see Him everyday when I look out my window, everyday I hear His voice on the breeze and in the wind as it moves through the treetops, everynight, I see Him when I look up into the dark sky filled with bright, twinkling stars. And He is silent, watching patiently, waiting for me.
So I relented, and half-heartedly made some attempts to finding my way back to Him. I started to read my bible again, I joined CF, I started to acknowledge His presence in my life. I didn't know what I was looking for, I didn't know what He wanted for me, all I knew was that I wasn't getting it. There was a deep longing within me that was not being filled, though what it was I couldn't say.
And then, CF started having problems. The posting was all messed up, fellowship was next to impossible and with it the chance of me making friends, the counting threads I had been posting in were downright frustrating. So, I decided to just read some older forums, and I wandered around the site just reading, and reading. And it was then I found something very special. An old thread in Deeper Fellowship titled "Growing in Christ" by leastone. I devoured it. Like I was starving. I guess, I was so starved, I didn't even realize I was hungry anymore, until I was getting fed. I made it to page four of the thread before I was broken and reduced to tears. Strangely, after I found that thread, CF went offline for a day.
With no other distractions, I thought about the things I read. The things I knew before, the way things were between the Lord and I then, and how things were now. I've been attacked a few times. Satan certainly likes to get his say in things. The ever present "If you go back to God, you will have a lot of amends to make to people for things you have said and done..." And Satan was finally silenced when I answered, "I will go where the Lord leads me."
I have no idea where He is leading me. But it doesn't matter. I know He will prepare me for the journey and that no matter where He leads, it will bring me closer to Him. As long as I remain willing to follow. One thing I have learned and I don't know how important this is or isn't, but a backsliding Christian, when they are returning, cannot return to the milk of the word, they need to return to wherever it was they left off, but they don't realize this. It makes me think about the story of the prodigal son from a whole different perspective. I never truly understood it before. I always thought the father should have scolded him, or made him work hard to earn back some favour or even to just earn back the right to be there, earn back some trust. Afterall, what is stopping him from leaving again?
"And he got up and came to his father. But while he was still a long way off, his father saw him, and felt compassion for him, and ran and embraced him, and kissed him. And the son said to him, 'Father, I have sinned against heaven and in your sight; I am no longer worthy to be called your son.' But the father said to his slaves, 'Quickly bring out the best robe and put it on him, and put a ring on his hand and sandals on his feet; and bring the fattened calf, kill it, and let us eat and be merry; for this son of mine was dead, and has come to life again; he was lost, and has been found.' (Luke 15:20-24)
The son is looking at the years he wasted, the past. For those who do not know, being away from God is not by any means fun. It is an empty, cold place. A place that no matter what you do or what you achieve, it is never truly satisfying. You always need something else because nothing truly makes you happy. At least this has been my experience. The prodigal son will likely look at his past for a long time to come, perhaps for the rest of his life.
The father, knowing this, acts quickly... Welcoming him home, restoring his place, loving him, feeding him, rejoicing, not punishing him for his past in any way. This is important. Because living life away from God really is punishment enough.
My dear heavenly Father,
I do not know what it is I should do, I do not know what is wrong within me, I do not know what I have hardened towards You. But I trust You and know that You can fix whatever it is that I have made so messed up. Please give me the ears to hear, the heart to understand and the eagerness to follow You where ever You lead me to go. Rekindle in me the love I once had for You, stoke that fire in me to burn away all the dross I have picked up along the way. Sweep out all the cobwebs from every corner of my heart and fill me with Your Spirit once again. Sweet Jesus, please give my mom a hug for me.
originally posted March 30, 2008 - replaced August 20, 2008.
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