sometimes i feel like i have been left behind,sitting on a curb, just watching but at the same time proclaiming Him to be loving,merciful, joyful, and all that people who have experienced Him say He is, but really i dont know Him. I only know of Him dying on the cross, i know of Him loving the world, but it seems the only love i have is from my mom, there are others who love me, but my mom loves me, many times i have comtemplated suicide and wanted out of life because there seems to be no refuge, no help, no reassurance, no joy, or love or any belonging in God which i thought was all i needed. but the very reason for living seems to fail me. They say we are created to know God and worship Him and love Him. but how can i love someone i dont know? how can i worship someone that i dont feel wants to help me? Why is my pain and sadness overlooked. i have cried many nights and asked for help and i have not got an answer. i know i allow my feelings to control me,but i dont have the strength to ignore them and trust God, i dont know if He will help me. I dont know how to trust Him, every time i do get free from my feelings and someone gives me a word of encouragement i try to draw near to God, and obey, but something else happens,i start questioning my salvation, i start listening to sermons about what a true christian loos like.i ask God for reassurance but i feel like im just talking and He does not hear. i dont know how many times ive asked God to save me and asked Jesus into my heart. I feel like i'm just alone. like when you try to reach out to someone you want to be friends with, but they dont respond. maybe im blinded by my feelings and perceptions, but it seems like God helps everyone else, while i stand in the background ,while people get breakthroughs and blessings, and feel His love ,joy, peace,etc. But im holding on by a thread,to the point where im contemplating suicide, to the point where i just want to give up and walk away from God for good, or just to something happens to show me He does hear my prayers. Today i watched a video and the lady really had a much worse childhood then i did, i had a nice childhood aside from the fact my father was not there, and she said that she knew of Jesus and was a Christian and heard about all the things Jesus did for other people, and how she would go to Him for everything else, except for the healing she needed from sexual abuse as a child. She was angry towards God about that and didnt want to ask Him for help because she didnt want to suffer rejection,because she felt like He wasnt there when it first happened. She said that she felt imaginary to God. Thats how i feel too. i live with no real assurance that im a christian and im saved. no assurance that im right with God,no assurance that when i die i will go to heaven, no assurance that He hears my prayers or is working in my life. All i can do is hope and continually ask for help. At times i have become so angry and so hardened that i dont want to pray, i can barely part my lips to say "help me", sometimes i dont want to ask because i feel like my depression is a never ending story. i get angry when people clearly know that something is wrong with me, but yet they want to ask me, where should they read in the bible, or when i try to give a hint of my sadness, they say "oh go read a verse" like my pain is nothing,like i shouldnt be feeling the way im feeling. im tired of people giving me simple answers, and saying you just need to trust. How can i trust someoone i dont know. Noone came to me and told me christianity is a relationship, so i just prayed, and tried to read the bible, and watched tv shows, and grew in knowledge, but didnt have the practice in the beginning, then i started trying to live like a christian and failed. it seems everything i tried to do i failed, and i had to suffer the pain, noone was there to encourage me,God didnt give me a sense of His love, He may have used other people to encourage me, but i feel like ive been trying to please and live for someone, that i dont personally know. I feel like all this i have done and experienced was a waste. people do give me enocuragement but i dont have the strength to trust. I just feel like im far away from God. I can tell you alot about his characteristics, and i have experienced His mercy, but I joy,peace love etc. i have not. i feel like im an outsider and that everyone is gathered around with Jesus in a circle and im standing from afar just watching Him in action in their lives, and learning of Him based on their experience, but never mine. I dont feel like a christian, sometimes i feel like i am in the middle,though there is no middle. ive reached out to people, and i dont want to continue to complain to them, and make it seem like Jesus ignores me, but i dont know what to do. I feel like im just trying to follow Him, 100 miles away, while all the others are walking right behind Him. i guess i have bitterness towards those who put me down not knowing what i go through from day to day, and envy towards those who do really know Jesus. Sometimes i just want to be in my mom's arms all day because she is the only one who i feel love from besides my sister.
i feel like all i do is cry, eat,sleep,watch tv, do homework go to class, and im even struggling in school, i dont know if i will pass two of my classes. i dont know anything except that Im alive and there is some hope that God will help me, but i just hope because i cant take the depression anymore.
i feel like all i do is cry, eat,sleep,watch tv, do homework go to class, and im even struggling in school, i dont know if i will pass two of my classes. i dont know anything except that Im alive and there is some hope that God will help me, but i just hope because i cant take the depression anymore.
