Now that's I'm getting more accustomed to this website, let me put this waiver before I even begin typing. I am NOT challenging God's moral character. I know He is morally perfect (He did invent it after all), and I know He'd prefer me not to be a heaping pile of disappointment. So PLEASE do not accuse my blasphemy just for expressing my personal experiences.
I'm in an abusive relationship, with God the Father. Let me explain how I comprehend this. I get hurt. Badly some times (cried for literally hours over a single thread on here the other night). I can't understand always why God just doesn't fix the things wrong with me that I have no control over (I.E. sexuality, suicidal thoughts). If I'm not supposed to be this way, and I've no way of changing it, well...then what do I about it? I just accept that I'm inferior in God's eyes to other people (at least, that's how it seems sometimes). And, it's not like a human-human relationship. I don't get answers. I don't know why I have to cry myself to sleep every night. I don't know why exactly my prayers are always answered with "No." I don't know why I'm meant to hurt like this. It'd be different if God wanted to comprehensively explain why I feel this way, and why things are as they are; but then again, I'm not entitled to know. It's not really an equal relationship, nor should it be.
Part of me knows I just have to accept that I'm inferior, that my thoughts, opinions, and pain don't even matter to Him; not in the long run any way. Part of me needs to realize that He's held up his half of the bargain, He's not obliged to make me feel loved. It's all up to me, to carry out my orders, and suck it up. We weren't promised any emotional support on this journey, that comes if we make it out alive.
All that being said, I can't see how it's supposed to be any different. I'm in pain and want to die; He never said He'd help with that. I always seem to forget that He doesn't really need me; that I'm superfluous, trivial, unimportant. He has a half-billion of children, and He already let His Son die for me. Now I gotta hold it up. No matter how much it hurts.
No matter how much this world abuses me, I stay. No matter how much I'm reminded I'm inferior, no matter how much I'm reminded I'm dependent, no matter how much I realize that He owes me nothing, and I'm an eternal servant; I stay. Even though it hurts.
EDIT: Reading this over, I fail to mention how much I DO love God, and how little I care to be anything but his servant. It just hurts realizing that He doesn't promise to keep me safe, or to help me along my way. I'm supposed to help Him save as many of His children by being an advocate for Christ. I don't mean to whine, simply to explain where I'm at with my relationship with God.
I'm in an abusive relationship, with God the Father. Let me explain how I comprehend this. I get hurt. Badly some times (cried for literally hours over a single thread on here the other night). I can't understand always why God just doesn't fix the things wrong with me that I have no control over (I.E. sexuality, suicidal thoughts). If I'm not supposed to be this way, and I've no way of changing it, well...then what do I about it? I just accept that I'm inferior in God's eyes to other people (at least, that's how it seems sometimes). And, it's not like a human-human relationship. I don't get answers. I don't know why I have to cry myself to sleep every night. I don't know why exactly my prayers are always answered with "No." I don't know why I'm meant to hurt like this. It'd be different if God wanted to comprehensively explain why I feel this way, and why things are as they are; but then again, I'm not entitled to know. It's not really an equal relationship, nor should it be.
Part of me knows I just have to accept that I'm inferior, that my thoughts, opinions, and pain don't even matter to Him; not in the long run any way. Part of me needs to realize that He's held up his half of the bargain, He's not obliged to make me feel loved. It's all up to me, to carry out my orders, and suck it up. We weren't promised any emotional support on this journey, that comes if we make it out alive.
All that being said, I can't see how it's supposed to be any different. I'm in pain and want to die; He never said He'd help with that. I always seem to forget that He doesn't really need me; that I'm superfluous, trivial, unimportant. He has a half-billion of children, and He already let His Son die for me. Now I gotta hold it up. No matter how much it hurts.
No matter how much this world abuses me, I stay. No matter how much I'm reminded I'm inferior, no matter how much I'm reminded I'm dependent, no matter how much I realize that He owes me nothing, and I'm an eternal servant; I stay. Even though it hurts.
EDIT: Reading this over, I fail to mention how much I DO love God, and how little I care to be anything but his servant. It just hurts realizing that He doesn't promise to keep me safe, or to help me along my way. I'm supposed to help Him save as many of His children by being an advocate for Christ. I don't mean to whine, simply to explain where I'm at with my relationship with God.
