I found myself reading through the Brides of Christ thread in deeper fellowship today. The posts stirred my soul and emotions into a swirling mist of thoughts and the one message that clearly came through to me was how all these beloved of Christ wanted so desperately to be with Him. How many times have I thought the same thing, the yearning to sit at His feet, to hear His voice. Too many times to count. And then He brought my mom to my mind and heart. She was now there with Him, her beautiful soul now being comforted and loved, truly loved, more love than she had ever known in this life.
I thought back to the day she died. How the doctors tried everything to revive her. The bloodclot went to her lung around 5 am and they didn't stop trying to bring her back until 3 pm that day. They tried everything. They cleared her lungs first and tried CPR, tried a breathing machine, tried those electric shock things, they even tried putting in a pacemaker, but her will had gone. I remember one of the nurses telling me that. That the doctors really did try everything, but no matter what they did, she didn't respond to it. She didn't want to come back.
With tears streaming down my face, I remembered something I had written in this blog about my anger being misdirected. People had suggested to me that it was possibly misdirected, that it wasn't God that I should be angry with, that it wasn't God that took mom from me, though they never offered me an alternative to consider. But now, He was giving me one. Could it be that when mom died, she saw a place so beautiful, so full of love for her, that she couldn't bear the thought of leaving it? Couldn't even consider going back to the way things were before? Especially since she was suffering so much in that broken body, heavily drugged to chase away all the pains she had to endure. How could I be angry at her for choosing to stay with the Lord? How can I be angry with Him for not insisting she return? How can I be angry when I know full well if I was in her place, I would do the very same thing?
My loving Father,
I am so so sorry. I was so wrong. I was so selfish and that selfishness blinded me from seeing anything clearly, that selfishness prevented me from remaining in You. Lord of my heart, please purge me of that selfishness completely. Purge me of anything that keeps me from You. And thank You for loving me so patiently. I knew You were watching me the whole time, I could feel You waiting. How I must have hurt You when I turned away from You time after time after time.... I am ...so... sorry.
originally posted March 31, 2008 - replaced August 20, 2008
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I thought back to the day she died. How the doctors tried everything to revive her. The bloodclot went to her lung around 5 am and they didn't stop trying to bring her back until 3 pm that day. They tried everything. They cleared her lungs first and tried CPR, tried a breathing machine, tried those electric shock things, they even tried putting in a pacemaker, but her will had gone. I remember one of the nurses telling me that. That the doctors really did try everything, but no matter what they did, she didn't respond to it. She didn't want to come back.
With tears streaming down my face, I remembered something I had written in this blog about my anger being misdirected. People had suggested to me that it was possibly misdirected, that it wasn't God that I should be angry with, that it wasn't God that took mom from me, though they never offered me an alternative to consider. But now, He was giving me one. Could it be that when mom died, she saw a place so beautiful, so full of love for her, that she couldn't bear the thought of leaving it? Couldn't even consider going back to the way things were before? Especially since she was suffering so much in that broken body, heavily drugged to chase away all the pains she had to endure. How could I be angry at her for choosing to stay with the Lord? How can I be angry with Him for not insisting she return? How can I be angry when I know full well if I was in her place, I would do the very same thing?
My loving Father,
I am so so sorry. I was so wrong. I was so selfish and that selfishness blinded me from seeing anything clearly, that selfishness prevented me from remaining in You. Lord of my heart, please purge me of that selfishness completely. Purge me of anything that keeps me from You. And thank You for loving me so patiently. I knew You were watching me the whole time, I could feel You waiting. How I must have hurt You when I turned away from You time after time after time.... I am ...so... sorry.
originally posted March 31, 2008 - replaced August 20, 2008
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