I needed somewhere to post my mindless ramblings and it is boring for sure, but I need a release of pent up emotions, so..
What type of mother tries to one up with you when you tell her, the good things in your life and she does this to you using one of your sisters.
In the past I have told her good things I am doing, they are simple good things but none the less they are good to me. I had a huge bumper crop of tomatoes but because she could not grow them successfully she told me mine lacked flavour cause I picked them too early.
Any success I had was always met with silence only to be met shortly after with the success of my sister, how smart she is, top of her class, best marks, always punctual, perfectly dressed in correct uniform, others in her class were sloppy, late with poor marks.
Mother even had the stomach to tell one of my lovely sisters that she could never imagine any of her daughters becoming a nurse cause they lacked the smart factor, but this one daughter, definitely will be a nurse.
I guess my healing is a very slow process, and I feel like I am doing something wrong, because I have more bad days than good where the healing is concerned. I feel as raw as if I had contact with mother and her daughter only days ago, but it is much longer than that.
I can't see them for they are not remorseful for what they have done and I am not having those patterns repeat for me again, for they see nothing wrong with what they are.
I forgive them, but I am probably kidding myself here can there be forgiveness from me but still immense emotional pain, since I know they think they are without sin?
They've got narcissistic traits with tendencies to be very emotionallly abusive.
I always feel like I've done something wrong in regard to mother and sister, but all I did was say enough, and no more and so they raged some more and I feel like there was more peace when I was the passive compliant, but I have not too many dramas, but they do get invented by them when they are bored, but now I feel like I am a reject by them, even though they are not of healthy mind. I too am unhealthy in mind when I feel unloved by them and feel hurt as a result.
Since I have never really felt I was enough for my parents, I have this same view with God and hence my faith is lacking and thus prayer is not a serious part of my life lately. I'm thinking I not praying good enough, so god is not working a healing plan for me, so I dont do it.
I feel like there is a huge road block between God and me and communication is down big time. Does God help those who dont have a clue, my lack of self esteem is my road block to God and my depression cements the rest.
I sense my lack of healing, cause I can be hanging my freshly laundered washing on a brilliant sunny day and singing a fantastic upbeat song and then a beautiful worship song comes on. It is called 'I will testify" and then for some bizarre reason I can't stop crying and my chest just aches with emotional pain.
If I dont have forgiveness God wont be with me, bit of a catch 22 when I am in so much need of his help to overcome this hurdle, but the depression and hurt fogs everything I need to do to for this to happen.
What type of mother tries to one up with you when you tell her, the good things in your life and she does this to you using one of your sisters.
In the past I have told her good things I am doing, they are simple good things but none the less they are good to me. I had a huge bumper crop of tomatoes but because she could not grow them successfully she told me mine lacked flavour cause I picked them too early.
Any success I had was always met with silence only to be met shortly after with the success of my sister, how smart she is, top of her class, best marks, always punctual, perfectly dressed in correct uniform, others in her class were sloppy, late with poor marks.
Mother even had the stomach to tell one of my lovely sisters that she could never imagine any of her daughters becoming a nurse cause they lacked the smart factor, but this one daughter, definitely will be a nurse.
I guess my healing is a very slow process, and I feel like I am doing something wrong, because I have more bad days than good where the healing is concerned. I feel as raw as if I had contact with mother and her daughter only days ago, but it is much longer than that.
I can't see them for they are not remorseful for what they have done and I am not having those patterns repeat for me again, for they see nothing wrong with what they are.
I forgive them, but I am probably kidding myself here can there be forgiveness from me but still immense emotional pain, since I know they think they are without sin?
They've got narcissistic traits with tendencies to be very emotionallly abusive.
I always feel like I've done something wrong in regard to mother and sister, but all I did was say enough, and no more and so they raged some more and I feel like there was more peace when I was the passive compliant, but I have not too many dramas, but they do get invented by them when they are bored, but now I feel like I am a reject by them, even though they are not of healthy mind. I too am unhealthy in mind when I feel unloved by them and feel hurt as a result.
Since I have never really felt I was enough for my parents, I have this same view with God and hence my faith is lacking and thus prayer is not a serious part of my life lately. I'm thinking I not praying good enough, so god is not working a healing plan for me, so I dont do it.
I feel like there is a huge road block between God and me and communication is down big time. Does God help those who dont have a clue, my lack of self esteem is my road block to God and my depression cements the rest.
I sense my lack of healing, cause I can be hanging my freshly laundered washing on a brilliant sunny day and singing a fantastic upbeat song and then a beautiful worship song comes on. It is called 'I will testify" and then for some bizarre reason I can't stop crying and my chest just aches with emotional pain.
If I dont have forgiveness God wont be with me, bit of a catch 22 when I am in so much need of his help to overcome this hurdle, but the depression and hurt fogs everything I need to do to for this to happen.
