My mom rose me as a believer, but it didn't mean much to me and in my teens I decided I was agnostic, unsure, but leaning toward atheism. I wanted to believe but I had been sexually abused by a close family member and was in this pit of despair and couldn't imagine a God letting someone be assaulted like that. It was easier to not believe. I started self harming and hiding my scars so no one could stop me. I hated myself and my abuser. My hate grew out of control. I am artistically gifted, but during those times I used my talent to create some really horrifying images of my abuser. I wanted to die. Then I found marijuana. It helped me numb myself and I started to find a way to cope. I listened to death metal and screamo and wore dark colors. I skipped classes and I stole anything I could get my hands on, bragging about it to my friends. On the day of my 21st birthday, and nearly 10 years since I began cutting, I made a life changing decision to throw away my cutting kit(a box filled with sharp objects of varying sharpness or dullness) and give up the habit for good. 6 months later I found something even more destructive to fill its place as coping mechanism. On my friends 21st birthday I got wasted and lost my virginity to an older man I barely knew. That started a ripple effect that lasted the next 2 years. I hopped from man to man trying to find validation and someone to fill the hole in my heart. The hole only grew bigger until it was a gaping hole in my soul. I moved to Vegas to further my party lifestyle. I partied every night and experimented with different people. The life I was living led me to a point where I was sleeping on friends couches or in my car if they couldn't host. I was faced with two options to escape my situation. One was prostitution. The other was suicide. I came very close to both. When I decided that I just couldn't sell my body I drove to The Cantine parking garage. I went to the top level and sat in my car for a few minutes. I was so lost. So scared. Impulsively, or mayne because i figured i didnt have anything to lose, i called out to God that i didnt know if he was there, but if he was i needed help. I didnt know what to do but i couldn't live like that anymore. After a while I walked to the edge and was looking down preparing myself to jump. After all, it was my only remaining option. I was out of money, out of a house, and no way to get back home. When I had decided it was time I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths, but before I climbed over, my mom called at a time when she should've been sound asleep, and told me she had transferred me $300. Just enough to buy temporary car insurance and the gas to drive home.
I was intrigued, but not convinced of His reality. When I got home my mom got me a job with her and set me up in her house.
But I still felt empty. I decided to have a baby to fill that void. I met a man online who wanted to have a baby. We conceived our first try. So I was pregnant living in my mom's house without any hope of a real future. I started my job and met a cool guy that had a twinkle in his eyes. I was drawn to him like magnets. I gravitated toward him, but didn't consider him romantically considering my delicate situation.
6 weeks in, I miscarried. The loss was devastating. I fell deeper into despair than I had ever been before.
Then the day after I found out about my miscarriage, the guy at work started texting me. He was funny and somehow made me smile through the fog of pain. He pulled me out of this awful place I was in and helped me find my laugh again.
We started spending time together and eventually started dating, but kept it pg. After some time I asked him to take me to the church he grew up in. I still wasn't sure, but I figured that'd be the place to go for answers. The service seemed like it was designed for me. He talked about forgiveness and Joseph and Jacob and slavery and freedom. The message resonated within me and I felt the physical presence of God, but I was still so resistant!
At the end of service the pastor asked us to keep our heads bowed and called for anyone that was ready to raise their hands and pray a prayer asking Jesus into our lives and our hearts. I had the urge, the drive to raise my hand, but resisted. I didn't want to. But almost of its own accord my hand lifted high in the air and I felt this instant wash of relief. This overpowering need for God.
In that moment I knew He loved ME. I knew He went to the cross for ME. I knew that He saved ME that cold night in Vegas because He wants ME. He brought me out of the darkness and into his light. My depression vanished in an instant. Self worth returned. I forgave my abuser.(forgiveness does NOT have to mean you let them back in your life!) All bitterness erased.
Then He started blessing me. The guy at work treated me like a good Christian man treats a woman. I noted that he didn't seem like he just wanted sex. His response was that that's not all I'm good for and that he liked ME.
Four years later, we are very much in love and plan on getting engaged in the next couple years. We both believe God brought us together and made us better people for it. The void in my life is gone. I have rid myself of toxic relationships and tried to get a handle on my sin, although I have struggled mightily with quitting marijuana. Buy I'm succeeding with Jesus!
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
For God so lived the world that he gave his only begotten son that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
I'm still a work in progress, and I still have troubles, but the difference is that once I surrendered to God's will, I got what I had been chasing all along. Peace, and love.
My prayer for this blog is that someone might read it and find the courage they need to raise their hand and forgive or the comfort of the sweetest love story ever told and gain hope.
God loves loves each and every one of us as individuals. He loves ME! He wants us ALL!
If God in all his perfection thought to love me enough to die on the cross, I better go on ahead and accept it. Because that's a once in creation kind of love.
I was intrigued, but not convinced of His reality. When I got home my mom got me a job with her and set me up in her house.
But I still felt empty. I decided to have a baby to fill that void. I met a man online who wanted to have a baby. We conceived our first try. So I was pregnant living in my mom's house without any hope of a real future. I started my job and met a cool guy that had a twinkle in his eyes. I was drawn to him like magnets. I gravitated toward him, but didn't consider him romantically considering my delicate situation.
6 weeks in, I miscarried. The loss was devastating. I fell deeper into despair than I had ever been before.
Then the day after I found out about my miscarriage, the guy at work started texting me. He was funny and somehow made me smile through the fog of pain. He pulled me out of this awful place I was in and helped me find my laugh again.
We started spending time together and eventually started dating, but kept it pg. After some time I asked him to take me to the church he grew up in. I still wasn't sure, but I figured that'd be the place to go for answers. The service seemed like it was designed for me. He talked about forgiveness and Joseph and Jacob and slavery and freedom. The message resonated within me and I felt the physical presence of God, but I was still so resistant!
At the end of service the pastor asked us to keep our heads bowed and called for anyone that was ready to raise their hands and pray a prayer asking Jesus into our lives and our hearts. I had the urge, the drive to raise my hand, but resisted. I didn't want to. But almost of its own accord my hand lifted high in the air and I felt this instant wash of relief. This overpowering need for God.
In that moment I knew He loved ME. I knew He went to the cross for ME. I knew that He saved ME that cold night in Vegas because He wants ME. He brought me out of the darkness and into his light. My depression vanished in an instant. Self worth returned. I forgave my abuser.(forgiveness does NOT have to mean you let them back in your life!) All bitterness erased.
Then He started blessing me. The guy at work treated me like a good Christian man treats a woman. I noted that he didn't seem like he just wanted sex. His response was that that's not all I'm good for and that he liked ME.
Four years later, we are very much in love and plan on getting engaged in the next couple years. We both believe God brought us together and made us better people for it. The void in my life is gone. I have rid myself of toxic relationships and tried to get a handle on my sin, although I have struggled mightily with quitting marijuana. Buy I'm succeeding with Jesus!
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!
For God so lived the world that he gave his only begotten son that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.
I'm still a work in progress, and I still have troubles, but the difference is that once I surrendered to God's will, I got what I had been chasing all along. Peace, and love.
My prayer for this blog is that someone might read it and find the courage they need to raise their hand and forgive or the comfort of the sweetest love story ever told and gain hope.
God loves loves each and every one of us as individuals. He loves ME! He wants us ALL!
If God in all his perfection thought to love me enough to die on the cross, I better go on ahead and accept it. Because that's a once in creation kind of love.
