I grew up non-loved
THe people I had to associate with played sick games. That is all they did. My life was ruined.
Now, Im attempting to come back out into the real world, and all I get are more games.
Society is like a brick wall. Nothing is real or as it seems. I get no help to establish myself. Its all very hard. I am not a saint tho. When someone tried to trust me for help. I lashed out at them and almost ruined them, the way I was ruined. I had no idea I was like this. Now I know. Im much like the people that ruined me. However, Im aware of this and getting help for it. I am truly sorry. And I pray and take it all to God that I do not destroy someone else's life because I am not safe..
I am a nice person. Im a private quit person that is forced into a world of no respect that I do not want to be apart of.
I am an artist that cant do art.
I would like to feel safe. Reality is to hard. I would rather be dead then deal with reality.
suicide means nothing to me! God is what is giving me hope, and on that I can live. I wonder if more involvement would be nice. To connect to the world again as an artist would be nice. However, I cannot come out of my shell. I am locked down by my defenses. I do not feel safe and I cannot break the anxiety walls. Im working on it. I have to take it all to God and trust God. This is so hard, and Im so tired of it.
Every-time I try something dealing with art, I feel this horrible tension override me. I was never safe, and at some point I was ruined in the real world.
Im not sure what God wants for me. I bypassed the art thing and anything dealing with creativity because the world slashes everything apart. It could be the PTSD problem; All I see is the past before I see reality.
I had so much of my past destroyed. All of my dreams and way of life was stolen and taken from me. My parents were criminals. They should have been killed... I owe them nothing. God has made sure to let me know I am safe with him... Yet, I am horribly mad at God, and don't trust him. I trust nothing on this planet. He is a better bet tho, and has kept me alive.
That is not true, that I don't trust God. I do trust God. And I love God.
---
I have my own opinions. Yet, I have no place for them. Most of the people Im around shut me down. They have no honer or respect for anything. They know nothing! Yet, want to be praised for there positions of worth... I refuse such things. I end up alone. And I am not strong enough to stand on myself against them. I am pushed around and bullied.
Im attempting to understand what Gods direction in my life looks like. Im always talking to God, Im not always accepting. I have allot of trust issues to take to God. Im not sure why my life has been extended. Im not sure why Im on this stupid planet. What is the point. I do not understand this. Im in the dark, Im blind.
THe people I had to associate with played sick games. That is all they did. My life was ruined.
Now, Im attempting to come back out into the real world, and all I get are more games.
Society is like a brick wall. Nothing is real or as it seems. I get no help to establish myself. Its all very hard. I am not a saint tho. When someone tried to trust me for help. I lashed out at them and almost ruined them, the way I was ruined. I had no idea I was like this. Now I know. Im much like the people that ruined me. However, Im aware of this and getting help for it. I am truly sorry. And I pray and take it all to God that I do not destroy someone else's life because I am not safe..
I am a nice person. Im a private quit person that is forced into a world of no respect that I do not want to be apart of.
I am an artist that cant do art.
I would like to feel safe. Reality is to hard. I would rather be dead then deal with reality.
suicide means nothing to me! God is what is giving me hope, and on that I can live. I wonder if more involvement would be nice. To connect to the world again as an artist would be nice. However, I cannot come out of my shell. I am locked down by my defenses. I do not feel safe and I cannot break the anxiety walls. Im working on it. I have to take it all to God and trust God. This is so hard, and Im so tired of it.
Every-time I try something dealing with art, I feel this horrible tension override me. I was never safe, and at some point I was ruined in the real world.
Im not sure what God wants for me. I bypassed the art thing and anything dealing with creativity because the world slashes everything apart. It could be the PTSD problem; All I see is the past before I see reality.
I had so much of my past destroyed. All of my dreams and way of life was stolen and taken from me. My parents were criminals. They should have been killed... I owe them nothing. God has made sure to let me know I am safe with him... Yet, I am horribly mad at God, and don't trust him. I trust nothing on this planet. He is a better bet tho, and has kept me alive.
That is not true, that I don't trust God. I do trust God. And I love God.
---
I have my own opinions. Yet, I have no place for them. Most of the people Im around shut me down. They have no honer or respect for anything. They know nothing! Yet, want to be praised for there positions of worth... I refuse such things. I end up alone. And I am not strong enough to stand on myself against them. I am pushed around and bullied.
Im attempting to understand what Gods direction in my life looks like. Im always talking to God, Im not always accepting. I have allot of trust issues to take to God. Im not sure why my life has been extended. Im not sure why Im on this stupid planet. What is the point. I do not understand this. Im in the dark, Im blind.
