Living in the House of Mirrors
2 April 2013
Back when I was just a wee lass ( at least on the inside) my parents would gather up all of us kids and take us to the amusement park. It was called "Fountain Ferry" and unfortunately was closed in the 60s rather than allow it to become integrated. Back when it was still open it had a little of everything from a large swimming pool and a full size skating rink to an elaborate fun house. My favorite place to hang out was the room full of mirrors of all sizes, shapes and dimensions positioned in such a way as to confuse and befuddle the unsuspecting customer. I never tired of looking at all the distorted figures that reflected back to me and I was captivated by the mirrors that were place in such a manner as to reflect continuously the same image seemingly forever. When the park closed I forgot all about the mirrorsand went about the process of growing up. Early in my marriage I saw a lightweight (paper on tin foil) mirror design to suspend above the bed with thumbtacks or double faced tape. I promptly ordered it and when it arrived I scurried along my way to install the spurprise in the master bedroom. Everything was going well until we retired to the bed and looked up.I am still not sure what it was reflecting but surely it wasn't us, it was horrific. Needless to say it came down immediately and was tossed in the trashcan. Through my years working as a cabinet maker and designer I often used both true mirrors and plexiglas made to resemble it. As long as it was installed flat and true it was a near perfect reflection howver if there were any twist or bows within the materials it was readily and undesireably apparent. Over the years more than one mirror had to be replaced. I have also become aware through mirrors within my home, especially my dressing table mirror, that proper care needs to be taken to insure the finish on the back of the mirror doesn't become clouded or damaged in any way or the mirror is compromised. It takes a conscious effort to ensure all of your mirrors are true reflections and continue to stay that way. Well last evening there was a piece in the news about an amusement park here that was to be open in 2014 and it triggered memories of long ago. Earlier in the day my wife were talking about relationships and I shared a truth I had been taught that the wife and children, especially the wife, were as a mirror to the husband. If he cared for her, nurtured and defended her, her countenance would reflect it in her eyes and her and the joy and peace within her. I know there are exceptions to every rule but this one is true in most marriages. In my spirit Daddy started tying things together for me and brought a great deal of clairity into my own life. I am to be a reflection of my Creator and that is the only true and undistorted mirror- the mirror when I look into His/Her eyes and see myself as I am seen by Daddy. Daddy is perfect and never wavers or wander from the Perfect Truth but unfortunately humans do. I remember my season of coming out and in reflection it is a miracle I didn't go nuts. By day I lived in a false personna seeking validation ( agood reflection) from the people around me in the workplace. By night I went out as myself taking every compliment or advance to re-enforce my identity. I have come to believe my strokes weere a gift from God to keep me from going crazy or hurting myself. We tend to naively believe all things are fresh and new when we first start out but some old habits or needs die extremely hard. Looking nack over the last 5 years I cn see countless instances of seeking confirmation of my identity from the eyes and lips of mere flawed humans like myself. If there is a warp or wavering in a person's view of me I came away second guessing who I was all the while being totally aware of my true identity. Many things can damage the image reflected by those around us. It can be their upbringing, religious teachings they have set under, their social climate and stature within it and of course their personal delving into cross-dressing or similar issues. I am accountable for my own thoughts,words and actions but that definitely DOES NOT mean that I must receive and embrace each and every comment or observation from others about my life or lifestyle. The former religioud circles I walked in have a radically different opinion fo me than does my current church but it is up to me to decide which to believe or dismiss. The old saying that sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt is a blatant lie from hell! How many suicides by young people were due primarily to relentless verbal bullying? In the same manner how many of our trans sisters and brothers have died for the same reason. Consider that the priests in Jesus' day circulated among the people exhorting them to yell Barabbas and then "Crucify Him". Words can hurt and kill and so in like manner can false images from distorted and troubled people around us if we allow it to take root. We are,like evry other human on this planet, are seeking approval and validation of who we are but it can only come from the Throneroom or wherever you perceive your Higher Power to be. It takes quiet times of just reflecting and listening to the gentle voice of the Spirit. It isn't rocket science, what you take into your body is reflected in your heath and within us, in the spirit or soul, there is that same truth- what you absorb or embrace about yourself will surely be clearly seen by those around you. We can't go run and hide from any and all confrontations and embarassing moments but we also CANNOT allow those instance to define us. In the Old Testament the life of King David is prtrated from his youth. He found the source of his identity and exxistence during all those nights of tending sheep and sing psalms to his Creaor. Yahweh, He started laying the groundwork in his life and when Goliath came along he was ready, he knew who he was and that that instance was a part of his own destiny. He believed in himself because he had a true mirror in his life in which to see a true reflection. My praye is that we, as a member of the human race and as trans men and women can strive for and attain that same confidence and security in our own identities as he did. Be Blessed with a true vision of who you were created to be and may you find the strength and determination to never let go. Charlena Marie Andrews-Hayes
