....is so easily marred by the knowing that it has gone missing. I wouldn't know what I was missing if I had never had any. There is utter joy in having EVER KNOWN love... TRULY. It's a rare rare thing to love and be loved in return. There seems to be a LOT that can come against love's bond to mar and scatter it. I guess the enemy of Your Heaven has a fair stock in seeing love thwarted when it rears its beautiful face in his kingdom of deception and appetites. I feel small, out of control and wounded when I think of how utterly little say I have had in love's coming or its going. You allow these wounds in love's wake for a reason, I suppose. I don't see what it is, but You do. I have withdrawn more and more from talking about this. So, it lands here in my written prayers to You, Lord.
I used to believe that You would heal me. Now, I believe that You plan to leave me like this. I guess there is a purpose in me staying 'here' that I can't know. Not for lack of trying! I'm just stumped. I'm somehow more valuable to You in this silent, sad and broken way that You leave me. I don't know if anyone can see it in there when they look at my face. No one... except bigGunzMan and Hubbs, ever asks or comments like they can even tell I'm sad. Not that it matters. They, the 'no ones,' couldn't DO anything anyway. I don't want their notice. There are only two who could ever DO anything to heal me... and neither of you do ANYTHING.
"Over and Over" ~ Three Day's Grace ~
And, that doesn't matter, either. Cause, I have to learn to overcome this very broken heart. I WISH and pray that I knew how, Jesus. So far, all the praying, pondering, journaling, crying, laughing, living and dying that I do, seem to have little to no effect. Nothing changes this. The same strength that made this love beautiful to me, makes it resiliant against extinction. The same love that forgives before an offense is even complete, makes me believe, beyond believing's frailties, during fearful bouts with myself. Lately, the fears seems to multiply while faith sees the hand dealt and raises the ante.
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I used to believe that You would heal me. Now, I believe that You plan to leave me like this. I guess there is a purpose in me staying 'here' that I can't know. Not for lack of trying! I'm just stumped. I'm somehow more valuable to You in this silent, sad and broken way that You leave me. I don't know if anyone can see it in there when they look at my face. No one... except bigGunzMan and Hubbs, ever asks or comments like they can even tell I'm sad. Not that it matters. They, the 'no ones,' couldn't DO anything anyway. I don't want their notice. There are only two who could ever DO anything to heal me... and neither of you do ANYTHING.
So many thoughts that I can't get out of my head, I try to live without you, every time I do I feel dead
And, that doesn't matter, either. Cause, I have to learn to overcome this very broken heart. I WISH and pray that I knew how, Jesus. So far, all the praying, pondering, journaling, crying, laughing, living and dying that I do, seem to have little to no effect. Nothing changes this. The same strength that made this love beautiful to me, makes it resiliant against extinction. The same love that forgives before an offense is even complete, makes me believe, beyond believing's frailties, during fearful bouts with myself. Lately, the fears seems to multiply while faith sees the hand dealt and raises the ante.
There is only ONE conclusion that I can draw after all these years of senseless resiliance...
this love is OF You and way beyond anything I've ever known before. Trying to end it is >>> boxing with God. So, again, as ALWAYS before... I surrender to it in tears, on my knees, looking more worn and sillier every time. There is no other answer. I don't know WHY I seek one. Each time, more wounded, I crawl back up on Your altar and wait. Wait for WHAT, I don't really know. I'm beyond tired of the uselessness of this one-sided love. Is there EVEN a prayer left that I haven't already prayed for this one ? If there really were a tattoo on my body somewhere, like the one on my spirit, I'd consider amputating it.
There has only ever been one love in my whole life that IS True... YOUR'S. When You are not manifest in the one that I love, so that they are manifesting Your loving toward me, too... there is only one road open to me... and, that, my least favorite of all love's roads... acceptance of suffering, sewing in tears, thankful heartedness at KNOWING what love is and servitude to a love greater than _I_ALONE_ am capable of... it's not even their fault that You are not manifesting love for me in them. That's YOUR choice to grant exceeding love for another or not in us ! You, in fact, are the one withholding love, favor and blessing through them. Aren't You, Jesus ?
And, there lies the question... why cause me to love, so deeply, for someone who does NOT return it toward me ? Is it really necessary ? I pray for them EVERY day... is THAT THE WHOLE POINT ?
I think I know why I never had children, now, Jesus... again, not for lack of trying.... It's because You knew that I wasn't built by You to live next to the lovelessness that children have toward their Mom's during periods of seperation and individuation. AGAIN, why the huge hunger for Motherhood, even still ?
You puzzle me, Jesus. Be blessed in my questions and amused at my heart to understand. Be inclined to show me the mercy of explanation IF it be Your will, Jesus.
this love is OF You and way beyond anything I've ever known before. Trying to end it is >>> boxing with God. So, again, as ALWAYS before... I surrender to it in tears, on my knees, looking more worn and sillier every time. There is no other answer. I don't know WHY I seek one. Each time, more wounded, I crawl back up on Your altar and wait. Wait for WHAT, I don't really know. I'm beyond tired of the uselessness of this one-sided love. Is there EVEN a prayer left that I haven't already prayed for this one ? If there really were a tattoo on my body somewhere, like the one on my spirit, I'd consider amputating it.
There has only ever been one love in my whole life that IS True... YOUR'S. When You are not manifest in the one that I love, so that they are manifesting Your loving toward me, too... there is only one road open to me... and, that, my least favorite of all love's roads... acceptance of suffering, sewing in tears, thankful heartedness at KNOWING what love is and servitude to a love greater than _I_ALONE_ am capable of... it's not even their fault that You are not manifesting love for me in them. That's YOUR choice to grant exceeding love for another or not in us ! You, in fact, are the one withholding love, favor and blessing through them. Aren't You, Jesus ?
And, there lies the question... why cause me to love, so deeply, for someone who does NOT return it toward me ? Is it really necessary ? I pray for them EVERY day... is THAT THE WHOLE POINT ?
I think I know why I never had children, now, Jesus... again, not for lack of trying.... It's because You knew that I wasn't built by You to live next to the lovelessness that children have toward their Mom's during periods of seperation and individuation. AGAIN, why the huge hunger for Motherhood, even still ?
You puzzle me, Jesus. Be blessed in my questions and amused at my heart to understand. Be inclined to show me the mercy of explanation IF it be Your will, Jesus.
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