Okay, so I'm new here, but this happened a few days back and I just wanted to spill it all out. The posts here are so uplifting, I'm sorry if this one misses the mark by a milestone.
I knew I shouldn't have.. Every inch of my brain was telling me not to.. but every inch of carnal craved it.. Who would win- the little red guy or the white one arguing across my shoulders? My bible's a forgotten manuscript in my bag, so it was only a matter of time before the inevitable occurred... Unwillingly my brain shut down as the little horny guy did his dance of victory.
Endless like the sky.. so many faces, so many poses, but the outcome's always the same. I'd seen them all a thousand times, and yet the temptations to relive their romps overcame me. As I engaged myself in mindless stare, an inkling of a voice spoke to me: Turn Off. Since I'd shut down my brain, I decided I was hearing things. But it was ever so clear that I knew it didn't come from within my senseless self.
Minutes passed, and slowly hours. Then a sound and I knew I wasn't hearing things- my mother's cry: Father's Having Chest Pain, Hurry. Coupled with the rawness of my current activity, my carnal deserted me, leaving me numb inside and out.
Driving to the hospital, fear gripped me. Did I just do that? Could my actions have such a grave immediate consequence? In silence we rushed to the emergency where he was now in the care of human experts. Meanwhile, my critical screaming heart wouldn't shut up.
In a few hours, the doctors deemed him fit and well and he was ashamed of making a huge deal. But the next day, mother narrated a dream she had, which ended with father's complaint that night-- she was asked, in a loud voice, whether she knew What Your Kids Were Up To.
Divine intervention? I truly believe it.
Every strand of grey hair on my father's head would be indirectly attributed to me, and that was, in a meaningless way, fine. It's a phase that happens to every father.. but the gigantic strain of his heart caused my small but sure steps into a deceptive region? That, THAT was entirely my direct fault.
There is no way I'm going to open up to him about this, but one thing's for sure: I have learned my lesson, for now.
The struggle is still a daily one in so many other ways...
and i can never talk to JJ about it.. he has no idea i engage in and have issues with this. he does, that I know, but i'm the girl here.. i shouldn't, i mustn't.. for more reasons than One.
I knew I shouldn't have.. Every inch of my brain was telling me not to.. but every inch of carnal craved it.. Who would win- the little red guy or the white one arguing across my shoulders? My bible's a forgotten manuscript in my bag, so it was only a matter of time before the inevitable occurred... Unwillingly my brain shut down as the little horny guy did his dance of victory.
Endless like the sky.. so many faces, so many poses, but the outcome's always the same. I'd seen them all a thousand times, and yet the temptations to relive their romps overcame me. As I engaged myself in mindless stare, an inkling of a voice spoke to me: Turn Off. Since I'd shut down my brain, I decided I was hearing things. But it was ever so clear that I knew it didn't come from within my senseless self.
Minutes passed, and slowly hours. Then a sound and I knew I wasn't hearing things- my mother's cry: Father's Having Chest Pain, Hurry. Coupled with the rawness of my current activity, my carnal deserted me, leaving me numb inside and out.
Driving to the hospital, fear gripped me. Did I just do that? Could my actions have such a grave immediate consequence? In silence we rushed to the emergency where he was now in the care of human experts. Meanwhile, my critical screaming heart wouldn't shut up.
In a few hours, the doctors deemed him fit and well and he was ashamed of making a huge deal. But the next day, mother narrated a dream she had, which ended with father's complaint that night-- she was asked, in a loud voice, whether she knew What Your Kids Were Up To.
Divine intervention? I truly believe it.
Every strand of grey hair on my father's head would be indirectly attributed to me, and that was, in a meaningless way, fine. It's a phase that happens to every father.. but the gigantic strain of his heart caused my small but sure steps into a deceptive region? That, THAT was entirely my direct fault.
There is no way I'm going to open up to him about this, but one thing's for sure: I have learned my lesson, for now.
The struggle is still a daily one in so many other ways...
and i can never talk to JJ about it.. he has no idea i engage in and have issues with this. he does, that I know, but i'm the girl here.. i shouldn't, i mustn't.. for more reasons than One.
