Foreverme Foreveri wrote a new note: Broken heart, life, soul, dreams, and beliefs.
Sep 12
She had such high hopes for herself.
She wanted to be a doctor. She wanted to help people. She found herself interested in God and who he was. How could she please God and be accepted by him?
Along the way she struggled to find that answer. Confusion brought upon by organized religion with all their dos and donts.
The denominations and doctrines confused her, she spent so much time trying to find her way. When she found out it is by belief we are saved she began to doubt. She doubted the crucifixion, the resurrection, and at one point God's very existence.
Praying, crying, all the while trying to live life and accomplish goals. Demonic attacks, a silent God, and a pain hidden so deep inside.
She tried to live as a saved person, but she would fail and wonder if she was really saved or was it just the flesh that all Christians battle. No answers, constant research about what a saved person behaved like. No answers.
All the while she saw what it meant to be saved when she went around the happy Christians. They knew God was there, he was their father. She felt isolated, alone, depressed, and angry.
The absent father came around when she was 18, he never owned up to the pain his selfish decisions caused. He acted like it was all okay. He never got help for his addiction. He was arrogant, deceitful, and selfish.
The depression continued, then heart break came from someone she thought loved her and she could trust. Rejected because of her race, she felt low and worthless. This only added to the abandonment she felt from God, the abandonment from her father.
Self hatred, self harm, suicidal thoughts, depression, grades dropping. Her dreams taken away. She was no longer healthy enough to study and reach the potential she had. She gave up on being a doctor and chose physician assistant. But things aren't working out for that either. Her goals seem out of reach. She has to drag herself out of bed. She lays there and its already 3 pm. Her body feels numb and heavy.
She attempts suicide and ends up nauseous, dizzy, vomiting, ears ringing. He still doesn't know the pain he caused. Haven't spoken to him in a month. He's there then he's gone. Then he calls like everything is fine. He really got mad at her on father's day because she didn't call him until after church. You would think he was the father of the year. An absent "father" who chose drugs over his daughter, who missed countless bdays and graduations thinks he deserves more than a fathers day card. It's funny to her. I laugh with her too.
Aimless prayers. That fall on deaf ears, or maybe nonexistent ears, or ears that just don't care to listen. She walks away like she has so many times before. This time for good. She's done. She won't even let the creator hurt her anymore. Her counselor said she struggles to feel god loves her because she didn't have a loving father. He was absent so she thinks god is too. well god should realize that, assure her, meet her half way, but yet he leaves her in tears and pain. She doesn't care about salvation anymore, she doesn't even care about his "perfect love" anymore. She's done. I feel bad for her. But she can't keep letting herself get stabbed in the heart.
This pain has made her aware of others' pain. She has become so compassionate. The only time she talks to god is when she prays for those people.
Broken heart from the absent father, the absent god she wanted acceptance and love from, was his good plan for her to become depressed and hopeless? Broken heart shattered by a man she thought loved her but he couldn't see pass her skin.
Broken life spent laying in a bed of tears, suicidal thoughts, loneliness, hopelessness, losing faith. She can't even move forward with this pain that holds her back from pursuing what dreams she has left.
Broken soul that doesn't believe. How could god himself hurt her? Leave her desolate, her heart sinking to her stomach. She feels a physical scar on her heart, a cut that keeps bleeding.
Broken dreams, she wanted to be a doctor but her mental health won't let her be the studious girl she used to be. She gives up easy. She can't even focus without thinking of the hell she's in. She can't even get out of bed, what's the point when doors are slammed In her face.
Broken beliefs. The Security and love she thought faith in Jesus would bring was not found. The one she thought would never forsake her was never there in the beginning. The one that was supposed to heal hurt her to the core.
Why go on, why even try? Why even believe in a god that is so nonchalant and indifferent to suffering? She doesn't care. He will never have a place in her life. The only prayer he will get from her is on behalf of someone else until she completely deconverts.
This Is her story. Her reality. So when you see her smile no that it's in a blink of an eye, because smiles, laughs, and hope don't exist in her world and love is just a four letter word.
Whether he is real or not it doesn't change her life or relate to her one bit. If he's real he proved he didn't care for her, she was a mistake born to a messed up "parent". She would rather he never bothered making her if he really does exist. If he's not real she let religion damage her mind and life has no hope because the innocent victims of the world's atrocities get no justice or peaceful heaven, and the evil get no punishment and all this suffering is in vain. She has the power to take her life.
This is her story.
Sep 12
She had such high hopes for herself.
She wanted to be a doctor. She wanted to help people. She found herself interested in God and who he was. How could she please God and be accepted by him?
Along the way she struggled to find that answer. Confusion brought upon by organized religion with all their dos and donts.
The denominations and doctrines confused her, she spent so much time trying to find her way. When she found out it is by belief we are saved she began to doubt. She doubted the crucifixion, the resurrection, and at one point God's very existence.
Praying, crying, all the while trying to live life and accomplish goals. Demonic attacks, a silent God, and a pain hidden so deep inside.
She tried to live as a saved person, but she would fail and wonder if she was really saved or was it just the flesh that all Christians battle. No answers, constant research about what a saved person behaved like. No answers.
All the while she saw what it meant to be saved when she went around the happy Christians. They knew God was there, he was their father. She felt isolated, alone, depressed, and angry.
The absent father came around when she was 18, he never owned up to the pain his selfish decisions caused. He acted like it was all okay. He never got help for his addiction. He was arrogant, deceitful, and selfish.
The depression continued, then heart break came from someone she thought loved her and she could trust. Rejected because of her race, she felt low and worthless. This only added to the abandonment she felt from God, the abandonment from her father.
Self hatred, self harm, suicidal thoughts, depression, grades dropping. Her dreams taken away. She was no longer healthy enough to study and reach the potential she had. She gave up on being a doctor and chose physician assistant. But things aren't working out for that either. Her goals seem out of reach. She has to drag herself out of bed. She lays there and its already 3 pm. Her body feels numb and heavy.
She attempts suicide and ends up nauseous, dizzy, vomiting, ears ringing. He still doesn't know the pain he caused. Haven't spoken to him in a month. He's there then he's gone. Then he calls like everything is fine. He really got mad at her on father's day because she didn't call him until after church. You would think he was the father of the year. An absent "father" who chose drugs over his daughter, who missed countless bdays and graduations thinks he deserves more than a fathers day card. It's funny to her. I laugh with her too.
Aimless prayers. That fall on deaf ears, or maybe nonexistent ears, or ears that just don't care to listen. She walks away like she has so many times before. This time for good. She's done. She won't even let the creator hurt her anymore. Her counselor said she struggles to feel god loves her because she didn't have a loving father. He was absent so she thinks god is too. well god should realize that, assure her, meet her half way, but yet he leaves her in tears and pain. She doesn't care about salvation anymore, she doesn't even care about his "perfect love" anymore. She's done. I feel bad for her. But she can't keep letting herself get stabbed in the heart.
This pain has made her aware of others' pain. She has become so compassionate. The only time she talks to god is when she prays for those people.
Broken heart from the absent father, the absent god she wanted acceptance and love from, was his good plan for her to become depressed and hopeless? Broken heart shattered by a man she thought loved her but he couldn't see pass her skin.
Broken life spent laying in a bed of tears, suicidal thoughts, loneliness, hopelessness, losing faith. She can't even move forward with this pain that holds her back from pursuing what dreams she has left.
Broken soul that doesn't believe. How could god himself hurt her? Leave her desolate, her heart sinking to her stomach. She feels a physical scar on her heart, a cut that keeps bleeding.
Broken dreams, she wanted to be a doctor but her mental health won't let her be the studious girl she used to be. She gives up easy. She can't even focus without thinking of the hell she's in. She can't even get out of bed, what's the point when doors are slammed In her face.
Broken beliefs. The Security and love she thought faith in Jesus would bring was not found. The one she thought would never forsake her was never there in the beginning. The one that was supposed to heal hurt her to the core.
Why go on, why even try? Why even believe in a god that is so nonchalant and indifferent to suffering? She doesn't care. He will never have a place in her life. The only prayer he will get from her is on behalf of someone else until she completely deconverts.
This Is her story. Her reality. So when you see her smile no that it's in a blink of an eye, because smiles, laughs, and hope don't exist in her world and love is just a four letter word.
Whether he is real or not it doesn't change her life or relate to her one bit. If he's real he proved he didn't care for her, she was a mistake born to a messed up "parent". She would rather he never bothered making her if he really does exist. If he's not real she let religion damage her mind and life has no hope because the innocent victims of the world's atrocities get no justice or peaceful heaven, and the evil get no punishment and all this suffering is in vain. She has the power to take her life.
This is her story.
