My mom claims to be a great "fruit inspector" but I know from watching her for many many years that this isn't true. Many of the times when she's claiming to see "bad fruit"... she's the actual problem or her insecurities and pridefulness are causing her judgment to become clouded by jealousy towards someone who she feels is threatening her in some way (usually threatening her relationship with someone else).
The one solid adult influence that I had in my life as a child was her worst nemesis. Why? Not because of the reasons that my mother claimed: that this woman was turning me against her and telling me things that weren't true about my mother - how would my mother know? She wasn't there. What my mother failed to realize is that what turned me against her was never this woman (who never once said anything negative about my mother to me); what turned me against my mother was my mother's incessant jealousy over anyone else having a portion of my heart when she couldn't... she couldn't because all she ever did was scream, accuse (mainly my father and me - my brother got off the hook more often), constantly find reasons to ground me (brother rarely was) so that I couldn't go over to this woman's house (she was my best friend's mother), demonize me, scapegoat me, or expect me to take care of and nurse her personal emotional issues. THAT'S why she rarely got a part of my heart. It's not that I didn't want to show love to her; it's that she wouldn't give me the chance to... she was always pushing me away by her words and her actions. She made it next to impossible for a healthy relationship to develop between us.
There's a hard fact that I've realized for some time now but have struggled with how to take it on: I will never fully recover from what she's done to me until I put some GOOD LONG DISTANCE between the two of us... give myself more time to reflect on who she was to me back then, how she treated me, the effects it had on me, and how it's contributed to who I am today... as well as... to who I DON'T have to be today.
I brought up the whole "fruit inspection" thing because I think that I know what my mother is misinterpreting, about herself, as being a good fruit inspector: She is exceptionally good at reading and detecting certain things about people. BUT it's not the detection of whether or not they are true, genuine, good people that she's skilled at detecting. It's the detection of when they are making advances at creating boundaries (much needed, healthy boundaries, though she doesn't see it that way) against her. These boundaries include - high at the top of the list - boundaries that will cause a healthy separation from "needing her". She needs to convince a person that they can't get along without her, that she is there for them... that they desperately need her. Once she can cripple a person's perception of their own ability to depend on THEIR SELF to do things that THEY REALLY SHOULD DO ON THEIR OWN... she will have someone to cater to her emotional needs again. What's so scary about this tactic is that it not only beckons a person to see her as the "be all end all" to help them with what THEY have the ability and responsibility to do on their own - but it also puts her in the position of being the be all end all above GOD and challenges a person's attempts to effectively depend on and rely on GOD for the things that only HE can do for us.
It's ironic that she convinces people that they "need" her, yet then once she's got them convinced and in her prison... she isn't really willing or able to provide help to them in the ways that she'd indicated that she could and would. So... back to the ultimate goal she always had for reeling ya back in: to have someone to take care of HER and walk on eggshells for HER. I'm not getting suckered in this time. I'm not. It's happened in the past. She conditioned me as a child to take care of her (but the good news is that I REALIZE this, so now I can do something about it. The lovely Godly lady who was my role model... she went through something similar as a child and she made it out and is now one of the most amazing people I've ever known... it's possible to change a pattern you never chose). My mother has gotten me to feel guilty when I should not have been... guilty for working towards HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. It's the worst kind of prison to find yourself in... especially when you're at least halfway aware that you WERE suckered in... again, and you KNOW that you caved and shouldn't have.
Your own mother, who is supposed to be the nurturer in your family... she KNOWS what you long for... you long to be loved and cared for by your mother, you have that innate desire in you during the hard times for motherly love, support, comfort. My mother puts a false hope of that vision out there if only you'll come back... you come back and slowly lose yourself amidst her strong personality because, in her presence, there's just not room enough for you both to thrive... This mother breaks you down with her words and actions, laughs at you and says you don't know what you're talking about when you tell her that she hurt you or try to civilly discuss a disagreement, changes the subject any time you become too much the center of topic... God forbid you bring any kind of personal concern or issue that pops up in your imperfect life (as we all have), hoping for a listening ear and some kind and gentle words of understanding - if you do, she will move on to the next topic as if you were talking about the weather or just respond with words that leave you more hurt overall than when you walked into her presence to begin with. Once again you realize, this is not someone I can depend on with anything of true worth to me, especially not with any matters of the heart... I must accept it and find a way to deal with this without it breaking me.
This time I won't forget: My mother is like a surrogate mother. She carried me in her belly for nine months, gave birth to me, and I became God's daughter once accepting Christ at the age of 8. God gave me this lovely woman and her family as guidance to show me what life can really be like (I'm crying)... to show me what love in the family really looks like. God gave me what I needed, He knew I wouldn't have made it without that Godly influence in those tender years of childhood! I'm forever Yours God... You've cared for me and kept me safe from harm for so long, You never left my side and never will. Give me strength to hold my ground with my mother and to not cave in. I answer to You Abba Father... You alone are my Rock and Salvation. I am LOVED.
The one solid adult influence that I had in my life as a child was her worst nemesis. Why? Not because of the reasons that my mother claimed: that this woman was turning me against her and telling me things that weren't true about my mother - how would my mother know? She wasn't there. What my mother failed to realize is that what turned me against her was never this woman (who never once said anything negative about my mother to me); what turned me against my mother was my mother's incessant jealousy over anyone else having a portion of my heart when she couldn't... she couldn't because all she ever did was scream, accuse (mainly my father and me - my brother got off the hook more often), constantly find reasons to ground me (brother rarely was) so that I couldn't go over to this woman's house (she was my best friend's mother), demonize me, scapegoat me, or expect me to take care of and nurse her personal emotional issues. THAT'S why she rarely got a part of my heart. It's not that I didn't want to show love to her; it's that she wouldn't give me the chance to... she was always pushing me away by her words and her actions. She made it next to impossible for a healthy relationship to develop between us.
There's a hard fact that I've realized for some time now but have struggled with how to take it on: I will never fully recover from what she's done to me until I put some GOOD LONG DISTANCE between the two of us... give myself more time to reflect on who she was to me back then, how she treated me, the effects it had on me, and how it's contributed to who I am today... as well as... to who I DON'T have to be today.
I brought up the whole "fruit inspection" thing because I think that I know what my mother is misinterpreting, about herself, as being a good fruit inspector: She is exceptionally good at reading and detecting certain things about people. BUT it's not the detection of whether or not they are true, genuine, good people that she's skilled at detecting. It's the detection of when they are making advances at creating boundaries (much needed, healthy boundaries, though she doesn't see it that way) against her. These boundaries include - high at the top of the list - boundaries that will cause a healthy separation from "needing her". She needs to convince a person that they can't get along without her, that she is there for them... that they desperately need her. Once she can cripple a person's perception of their own ability to depend on THEIR SELF to do things that THEY REALLY SHOULD DO ON THEIR OWN... she will have someone to cater to her emotional needs again. What's so scary about this tactic is that it not only beckons a person to see her as the "be all end all" to help them with what THEY have the ability and responsibility to do on their own - but it also puts her in the position of being the be all end all above GOD and challenges a person's attempts to effectively depend on and rely on GOD for the things that only HE can do for us.
It's ironic that she convinces people that they "need" her, yet then once she's got them convinced and in her prison... she isn't really willing or able to provide help to them in the ways that she'd indicated that she could and would. So... back to the ultimate goal she always had for reeling ya back in: to have someone to take care of HER and walk on eggshells for HER. I'm not getting suckered in this time. I'm not. It's happened in the past. She conditioned me as a child to take care of her (but the good news is that I REALIZE this, so now I can do something about it. The lovely Godly lady who was my role model... she went through something similar as a child and she made it out and is now one of the most amazing people I've ever known... it's possible to change a pattern you never chose). My mother has gotten me to feel guilty when I should not have been... guilty for working towards HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. It's the worst kind of prison to find yourself in... especially when you're at least halfway aware that you WERE suckered in... again, and you KNOW that you caved and shouldn't have.
Your own mother, who is supposed to be the nurturer in your family... she KNOWS what you long for... you long to be loved and cared for by your mother, you have that innate desire in you during the hard times for motherly love, support, comfort. My mother puts a false hope of that vision out there if only you'll come back... you come back and slowly lose yourself amidst her strong personality because, in her presence, there's just not room enough for you both to thrive... This mother breaks you down with her words and actions, laughs at you and says you don't know what you're talking about when you tell her that she hurt you or try to civilly discuss a disagreement, changes the subject any time you become too much the center of topic... God forbid you bring any kind of personal concern or issue that pops up in your imperfect life (as we all have), hoping for a listening ear and some kind and gentle words of understanding - if you do, she will move on to the next topic as if you were talking about the weather or just respond with words that leave you more hurt overall than when you walked into her presence to begin with. Once again you realize, this is not someone I can depend on with anything of true worth to me, especially not with any matters of the heart... I must accept it and find a way to deal with this without it breaking me.
This time I won't forget: My mother is like a surrogate mother. She carried me in her belly for nine months, gave birth to me, and I became God's daughter once accepting Christ at the age of 8. God gave me this lovely woman and her family as guidance to show me what life can really be like (I'm crying)... to show me what love in the family really looks like. God gave me what I needed, He knew I wouldn't have made it without that Godly influence in those tender years of childhood! I'm forever Yours God... You've cared for me and kept me safe from harm for so long, You never left my side and never will. Give me strength to hold my ground with my mother and to not cave in. I answer to You Abba Father... You alone are my Rock and Salvation. I am LOVED.
