Inner Feelings and Emotions...good and bad
6 March 2013
I am not sure where this is going. My emotions have been on the roller coaster from hell for months and are so incredibly unpredictable. I guess this season started going into the Holiday season and has never stopped. I would love to blame it on the over-used scapegoat call HRT but I have been on it for way too long. My doctor weaned me off an antidepressant but that was last fall. Just sitting here I am torn between breaking out in laughter or tears for no real apparent reason. I am starting to wonder if all of these feelings are connected to all those locked doors that have finally been open by a loving Daddy that knows how badly I need to be healed and made whole. I found myself reaching out to the Prophet from my former church in the wee hours of the morning on Facebook. The response, if any, should be interesting. I spent an adult lifetime being in positions of being under spiritual oversight, it put an assurance within my spirit that I wouldn't go out in left field. I always conidered Jesu and His disciples and the relationship they had. Even as I am sitting here entering this Daddy has started taking me back down memory lane an d in retrospect I have been a spiritual loner since comig out and being exiled from my former church in 2009. I haven't stopped reaching out and sharing Daddy's Love and Healing but there has always been something knawing at my soul like an old dog with a new bone. I have become extremely insecure and unsure of myself and my ability to clearly hear Daddy's whispers anymore. I haven't lost my salvation and I am not backsliding, if anything I am stuttering and shuffling my feet instead of pressing on to fulfill my destiny and bring Glory to the Father.This must be a classic case of cause and effect at the most basic of levels. I guess in the beginning I was so upset with all the religious zealots trying to save me from myself that I just pulled away from anything even remotely religious but the problem was that somehow I blamed Daddy for the way these children were acting and I set myself up for a very painful fall. I have told anyone who would listen that His Heart and their actions were not the same and yet somehow I never heard my own counsel. I guess I traded my Father- daughter relationship and its'intimacy for my own personal form of religioun based on the actions of others. In recent months I have been seriously looking for the "Home" Daddy has for me. I actually joined a very loving church, Highlands Baptist Church, and thought I had found home but in the deep recesses of my heart there was a restlessness. I eventually realized that I would probably never fulfill my destiny there even though I loved the pastor and the people who called it home. Since early February I have been attending a small independent fellowship and am very comfortable. It is a very long way from my previous churches with their highly trained musicians in the worship group and highly polished messages .At Open Door Community Fellowship the pastor isn't possessive about her position and glagly allows others to give the messages and lead the service. I believe Daddy brought me into this place for a reason and even though it is like the small home churches of the Jesus Movement in the late 60s and early 70s there is LIFE there. They actually believe the words of the songs of worship they sing and they definitely don't put on airs or phony faces. I have tried to connect with the pastor however she has been living at the hospital with her wife and ailing mother. I am wondering if possibly God is restoring the purity and liberty of those early 70s day when people actually believed that what Jesus said concerning those who followed after Him and what they would be able to do. I am being pressed to find a place where I can be held accountable and be transparent to my spiritual covering. Some people would call it a awste of time and energy but I have a lifetime worth of the truth. I have, at times, struggled to be a Lone Ranger but I know in my heart that is like volunterering for a suicide mission spiritually. I am beginning to wonder if God put Myralee in my life to challenge me and force me to re-examing my life beliefs and even emotions and find the core of who I am and whose I am. I guess the peace and stability I need and requyre in my life can only come from my Daddy-dsaughter relationship and evrything rlse is just cheap counterfeit reproductions meant to distract me. I am coming to the conclusion that if I wish to go forward from here I must allow Daddy to expose and heal the past I have held on to for so long and trust Him to bring me through as a whole woman. To the reader I would apologize to you because it is probably just useless babble to you but to me it has brought an awareness of my deficiencies and renewed a hope for a future filled with joy and completeness...finally. Bre Blessed in all you put your hands to and never let go of that one relationship that brings life and wholeness.
Charlena Marie Andrews-Hayes
