This week has been a struggle. Not that this week is any different to any other. In fact I am starting to believe that struggling is normal and peace is a mere fabrication. I don't mean to sound harsh. The facts remain simple - I am living in a developing nation and have no idea on how to survive. Survival seems to be my daily problem. Physically survival includes trying not to get stung a mosquito harbouring any of the many diseases that could end me up in the not-so-modern hospital here. Mental survival includes trying to deal with the daily pressures of teaching and organising a Year 2 class. But the hardest level of survival is Spiritual. I know what I ought to be doing. I know what I want to do but right now I just don't feel like doing it. My Bible is sitting collecting dust as I face pity party after pity party. My mouth stays close and my eyes divert from the reality that is happening - I am drowning in my obsession with myself.
But God hasn't left me alone. He has provided me with a friend. And it was one question the other night that slapped me back into reality. It should be a question easily answered. If you ask me about my rlationship with my mum I can say great. The same goes for my dad. My relationship with my brothers and sister is fine. My relationship with my co-workers depends on the person. It can be anywhere from great (we go to dinner at least once a week and hang out on the weekends) to normal (we see and respect each other at school). But what about my relationship with God? I am not known to be a liar so answering this question was difficult. Yet it was one of the most important ones I had ever faced.
I have been more than depressed since being here. And my depression has manifested itself in a denial of God's blessing in my life. I feel deserted and, at times, very angry. I didn't want to come back to a situation like this. I wanted a nice home, with no dramas. I mean I started out without a classroom. So I was teaching a group of 15 students outside in the summer heat in a tropical environment. Then at home... lets just say things weren't any better.
So the other night facing this question I realised that I needed to face the truth - I am not the Christian I want to be. I know all the things that I want to do but I do them? No. It is like I know all the wisdom yet have a hard time putting it all into practice. Like Solomon, I know all the right things to say but can I really be all of that? How? Why is it so difficult? It should be easy! After all I can tell my students what to do and they do it so why can't I do the same with me. I always seem too tired, too self involved, too stressed, to hungry, too .... I seem to be making up all the excuses but even then I have no satisfaction. Yes, I have an excuse but at the end of the day I am still not doing what I want to do. I feel justified for not being able to do but still lowsy for not doing it.
Another struggle I have is that I see others working so well and having all they need. They love this place and they seem so content. I, on the other hand, am just starting to find my way. I struggle with making comparisons and find it difficult to celebrate the lives that God has given other people when I still have no clue what I am supposed to be doing with mine. How I am supposed to get where I am going if I can barely get through the day? All I want is the simple life yet I feel pressured to be doing more. I am not sure how I should be doing more when I can hardly to do all things that I need to do. But I should be socialising more or finding more firends or working more. After all, I wouldn't want to be lonely but then I feel loner sometimes after I have been with friends then when I have spent the night alone. Even the good things don't seem so good and the constant fear that everything could fall apart in a moment. Friends leave, dramas start, electricity fails and internet crashes. Everything is hanging in thin air.
So how is my relationship with God? Changing. It is not easy. Trust is hard especially when everything is exactly what you don't want it to be. My life is not turning out the way that I wanted it to. The only thing I can do is trust that God is going to use all this experience one day for my own good. For now, all I can do is pray, trust, and love.
But God hasn't left me alone. He has provided me with a friend. And it was one question the other night that slapped me back into reality. It should be a question easily answered. If you ask me about my rlationship with my mum I can say great. The same goes for my dad. My relationship with my brothers and sister is fine. My relationship with my co-workers depends on the person. It can be anywhere from great (we go to dinner at least once a week and hang out on the weekends) to normal (we see and respect each other at school). But what about my relationship with God? I am not known to be a liar so answering this question was difficult. Yet it was one of the most important ones I had ever faced.
I have been more than depressed since being here. And my depression has manifested itself in a denial of God's blessing in my life. I feel deserted and, at times, very angry. I didn't want to come back to a situation like this. I wanted a nice home, with no dramas. I mean I started out without a classroom. So I was teaching a group of 15 students outside in the summer heat in a tropical environment. Then at home... lets just say things weren't any better.
So the other night facing this question I realised that I needed to face the truth - I am not the Christian I want to be. I know all the things that I want to do but I do them? No. It is like I know all the wisdom yet have a hard time putting it all into practice. Like Solomon, I know all the right things to say but can I really be all of that? How? Why is it so difficult? It should be easy! After all I can tell my students what to do and they do it so why can't I do the same with me. I always seem too tired, too self involved, too stressed, to hungry, too .... I seem to be making up all the excuses but even then I have no satisfaction. Yes, I have an excuse but at the end of the day I am still not doing what I want to do. I feel justified for not being able to do but still lowsy for not doing it.
Another struggle I have is that I see others working so well and having all they need. They love this place and they seem so content. I, on the other hand, am just starting to find my way. I struggle with making comparisons and find it difficult to celebrate the lives that God has given other people when I still have no clue what I am supposed to be doing with mine. How I am supposed to get where I am going if I can barely get through the day? All I want is the simple life yet I feel pressured to be doing more. I am not sure how I should be doing more when I can hardly to do all things that I need to do. But I should be socialising more or finding more firends or working more. After all, I wouldn't want to be lonely but then I feel loner sometimes after I have been with friends then when I have spent the night alone. Even the good things don't seem so good and the constant fear that everything could fall apart in a moment. Friends leave, dramas start, electricity fails and internet crashes. Everything is hanging in thin air.
So how is my relationship with God? Changing. It is not easy. Trust is hard especially when everything is exactly what you don't want it to be. My life is not turning out the way that I wanted it to. The only thing I can do is trust that God is going to use all this experience one day for my own good. For now, all I can do is pray, trust, and love.
