I have to stop. I have to stop waiting for life to happen. It’s been happening, though many of the ways are much to my disliking.
I have been waiting for something better. I have been waiting for a companion, soul mate, lover, friend, partner. But, no more.
I know look at my future and see it without these things. But I also see that my future must be attended to.
My expectations have changed. I no longer expect to be loved, appreciated, cherished.
But, my life keeps going and my children keep growing so I must attend to my future.
My daughter will be eighteen in five short years and will, most likely, be recruited by the kind of University that will necessitate her moving out.
Then it will be myself and my son who will then be eleven. I will be fifty when he is eighteen.
I have treated our apartment as a temporary stopping place while ‘waiting’ for a house.
I will never have a house. That dream is gone. I must prepare for how to accommodate the two children I have in the two-bedroom apartment that I have.
This will take wisdom, creativity and patience. I’m thinking of turning the dining room in to a bedroom. But then, who should get that bedroom versus the regular one-and when?
I have to get a better job. This company is dying and there is no chance for advancement. The benefits are horrible and only getting worse.
I’m applying for state jobs-great benefits-and job security. It doesn’t matter what kind of work I do. I won’t find it exciting, fun or deeply fulfilling. But if it pays the bills and offers the security I need then I will love it.
I need to lose weight and become healthier, stronger so I am able to accomplish the parenting I must. Once Tiana starts high school it could be very demanding-she is so bright, so driven and I think I will have to provide transportation, money and who knows what else in order for her to have the very best opportunities she can.
It feels like the next five years could go by so quickly. Then another seven before Toby is eighteen.
And now, so odd and new for me, now I can picture myself (even alone) enjoying the freedom of an empty nester. I am in no rush or hurry to have my children out. But, I am exhausted and overwhelmed constantly with no break, no time to refresh.
What would life be like if my time were my own, my energy were my own and if I had enough money to do more than live off of boxed macaroni and cheese?
I could take a class, keep a neater home, join a club. What the hell kind of club I have no idea. Good Lord I need a social life. Even if I had the time and money, what would I actually do?
My only hobby is reading. I guess I could join a book club. It seems…okay it seems boring to me but-who knows-at least I would be seeing other human beings on a regular basis…right?
I have been waiting for something better. I have been waiting for a companion, soul mate, lover, friend, partner. But, no more.
I know look at my future and see it without these things. But I also see that my future must be attended to.
My expectations have changed. I no longer expect to be loved, appreciated, cherished.
But, my life keeps going and my children keep growing so I must attend to my future.
My daughter will be eighteen in five short years and will, most likely, be recruited by the kind of University that will necessitate her moving out.
Then it will be myself and my son who will then be eleven. I will be fifty when he is eighteen.
I have treated our apartment as a temporary stopping place while ‘waiting’ for a house.
I will never have a house. That dream is gone. I must prepare for how to accommodate the two children I have in the two-bedroom apartment that I have.
This will take wisdom, creativity and patience. I’m thinking of turning the dining room in to a bedroom. But then, who should get that bedroom versus the regular one-and when?
I have to get a better job. This company is dying and there is no chance for advancement. The benefits are horrible and only getting worse.
I’m applying for state jobs-great benefits-and job security. It doesn’t matter what kind of work I do. I won’t find it exciting, fun or deeply fulfilling. But if it pays the bills and offers the security I need then I will love it.
I need to lose weight and become healthier, stronger so I am able to accomplish the parenting I must. Once Tiana starts high school it could be very demanding-she is so bright, so driven and I think I will have to provide transportation, money and who knows what else in order for her to have the very best opportunities she can.
It feels like the next five years could go by so quickly. Then another seven before Toby is eighteen.
And now, so odd and new for me, now I can picture myself (even alone) enjoying the freedom of an empty nester. I am in no rush or hurry to have my children out. But, I am exhausted and overwhelmed constantly with no break, no time to refresh.
What would life be like if my time were my own, my energy were my own and if I had enough money to do more than live off of boxed macaroni and cheese?
I could take a class, keep a neater home, join a club. What the hell kind of club I have no idea. Good Lord I need a social life. Even if I had the time and money, what would I actually do?
My only hobby is reading. I guess I could join a book club. It seems…okay it seems boring to me but-who knows-at least I would be seeing other human beings on a regular basis…right?
