Howell-a-ween

So I've been spending an unusual amount of time in Howell House this week. I have to say, I am very glad I chose to live here in chem-free Hyde because Howell is an awesome house to be affiliated with. The people are all exceedingly friendly and for some reason the men in Howell tend to like video games, like I do. I wonder why it is that I am one of the few female gamers I know... Stephanie used to be a gamer, but she's more of an anime person now. Anyway, so I have invaded Howell a couple times this week to use their kitchen to bake shortbread for the Martial Arts club bake sale, and then tonight we were over there to package our goods for delivery tomorrow. In the process, I just happened to notice a guy playing Neverwinter Nights. And what do I know, he's also familiar with KotOR. So I ended up watching him play and chatting with him and a couple of other guys for a while after we were done packaging, and I had a lot of fun but it's sort of bittersweet. This is the time of year when I most remember Jered, and sitting there with the boys in Howell I remembered the way I used to watch him play Goldeneye on our old Nintendo 64. Heck, practically the very last conversation I had with him was about Baldur's Gate. I wish now that we'd talked about something a little more profound... even after all these years, I still wish I had been a better sister to him. But it's too late for that. I just... I don't know. I miss him, and yet I don't. I remember things about him, things he did. But at the same time I feel like he's gradually disappearing from my life and I don't really know what to do. I will always remember him, but at the same time I have to move on. I can't live in the past. Even when it's hard for me to keep my spirits up. I get tired sometimes, though. Tired of always doing what I should do, what I have to do. I wish that I could just let all the walls down for once. But I can't, and even if I could I don't know if I truly could. Maybe it's just too much a part of me now, that wall I put around my heart. The Sith would say such restrictions are not good, but I don't think I agree. I guess that makes me more of a Jedi. Still... it's tiring. It's like, I'm sad, but it's not the sort of intense sadness that makes you want to cry. I think it would be easier maybe if I grieved like that. But no, it's more like a constant weight that you carry around with you. I guess that's part of the reason why I chose the quote I did. When Carth says, "I've waited for her to come back for four years now. It doesn't get any easier." I think I appreciate what he means.