Yo, guess what, I no longer co-lead this site... and actually haven't been here for a very long time! I should probably change my CF blog description!!! That being said, I'm in the midst of transitioning my wordpress blog, so figured I'm dump a few bits here.
The following is in response to a poster here whose father walked away from Church after the death of her mother.
Anger is a pretty common expression of grief as is isolation. Having become a widower some years back, I mostly avoided the anger thing, but totally get the avoiding church thing. For me, it wasn't a change in my walk with Christ, as much as it is that there are about a million things church folks can say to a grieving person, and short of a few, most are more harmful than helpful. Similar things can be said about some support brochures and the like, grieving is a very individualized thing, so what might be helpful for person A is counterproductive for B and vice versa.
The poster then asked if I'd be willing to share how God brought me through that, and my response follows: Yes, it is in tldr territory, which is why I'm posting it here rather than in thread.
I didn't quit church as much as I disengaged from the local community of faith and went into what I call lone ranger mode. I'd worship every Sunday, but come in late, and leave early so as to avoid talking to folks. I'd go to pray in the middle of the night at a number of adoration chapels at a wide number of Catholic churches... (I needed to get authorization/access to do so and yet every single one of them was super cool about granting me such, despite the fact I'm not Catholic). I hung out at the hospital chapel where my late wife passed away, going through the books of prayer requests of others for long stretches of time when there were no others present.
The thing is, most Christians are far from their sphere of expertise in matters of the death of a spouse... and yet they truly really really want to help. The problem is that the skill to do so only comes with a great deal of intentional practice which comes about from guided experience a long period of time. In my mind, its discipleship^2... and definitely not the sort of thing one can just wing without some level of danger. I mean a lot of Christian platitudes ring very very hollow in times of intense grief. In a lot of cases, its probably better to just hang out and remain silent rather than to spout stuff that seems a good idea, but really isn't. In other cases, something as simple as the circles of healing could be immensely helpful. Granted, I am often known as the fixer guy... but in the midst of my grief, I'm not exactly the ideal person for you to dump your problems on.
And yet, there were a number of folks who were exceedingly helpful. I think of an older couple that became good friends with my wife and I. They had me over to their house numerous times, we'd talk theology at times, at other times they'd just listen, and at other times I'd hear of the crazy stories of their younger days. They also prayed for me a great deal. I think of a bunch of young guys in seminary who would spend hours talking with my late wife after church and such. She referred to them as "The Bishops Posse", and while I didn't see them a great deal after her passing (most were out of state at seminary) I knew they prayed for me, and when I'd randomly run into one or more of them, the connection to the much wider body of Christ was huge. The church is in great hands with these fine young men. I think of a friend who I spent time with on mission trips in decades past, who spent hours on the phone and email with. She walked with me through the dark nights of my soul. I think of a young fellow who I once employed, who took me out on the road in his semi. I think of a gal I went to high school with whose wisdom exceeds her years by a few lifetimes, who could help me see through the mud of grief, and whose calm and peaceful spirit illuminated a path forward. I think of a past business partner who stepped up, who practically glowed with the light of the Holy Spirit with his calming words and wisdom, in all facets, from materials science and engineering, to psychology, to His illumination of the scriptures. I think of a dude who played guitar in one of the bands I was in, who was suffering a multitude of his own issues from his military service, who reconnected, who was just willing to hang out on skype and pretty much just listen... albeit he did have his guitar on there (which was pretty cool)
And see, whether overtly spiritual or not, God used all of those folks and more to reach out to me in my times of greatest despair. And despite what i said about the need for experience and training for the body of Christ to assist in such, these folks, many of whom I had no contact with for decades or more came into my life just when I needed help the most.
The following is in response to a poster here whose father walked away from Church after the death of her mother.
Anger is a pretty common expression of grief as is isolation. Having become a widower some years back, I mostly avoided the anger thing, but totally get the avoiding church thing. For me, it wasn't a change in my walk with Christ, as much as it is that there are about a million things church folks can say to a grieving person, and short of a few, most are more harmful than helpful. Similar things can be said about some support brochures and the like, grieving is a very individualized thing, so what might be helpful for person A is counterproductive for B and vice versa.
The poster then asked if I'd be willing to share how God brought me through that, and my response follows: Yes, it is in tldr territory, which is why I'm posting it here rather than in thread.
I didn't quit church as much as I disengaged from the local community of faith and went into what I call lone ranger mode. I'd worship every Sunday, but come in late, and leave early so as to avoid talking to folks. I'd go to pray in the middle of the night at a number of adoration chapels at a wide number of Catholic churches... (I needed to get authorization/access to do so and yet every single one of them was super cool about granting me such, despite the fact I'm not Catholic). I hung out at the hospital chapel where my late wife passed away, going through the books of prayer requests of others for long stretches of time when there were no others present.
The thing is, most Christians are far from their sphere of expertise in matters of the death of a spouse... and yet they truly really really want to help. The problem is that the skill to do so only comes with a great deal of intentional practice which comes about from guided experience a long period of time. In my mind, its discipleship^2... and definitely not the sort of thing one can just wing without some level of danger. I mean a lot of Christian platitudes ring very very hollow in times of intense grief. In a lot of cases, its probably better to just hang out and remain silent rather than to spout stuff that seems a good idea, but really isn't. In other cases, something as simple as the circles of healing could be immensely helpful. Granted, I am often known as the fixer guy... but in the midst of my grief, I'm not exactly the ideal person for you to dump your problems on.
And yet, there were a number of folks who were exceedingly helpful. I think of an older couple that became good friends with my wife and I. They had me over to their house numerous times, we'd talk theology at times, at other times they'd just listen, and at other times I'd hear of the crazy stories of their younger days. They also prayed for me a great deal. I think of a bunch of young guys in seminary who would spend hours talking with my late wife after church and such. She referred to them as "The Bishops Posse", and while I didn't see them a great deal after her passing (most were out of state at seminary) I knew they prayed for me, and when I'd randomly run into one or more of them, the connection to the much wider body of Christ was huge. The church is in great hands with these fine young men. I think of a friend who I spent time with on mission trips in decades past, who spent hours on the phone and email with. She walked with me through the dark nights of my soul. I think of a young fellow who I once employed, who took me out on the road in his semi. I think of a gal I went to high school with whose wisdom exceeds her years by a few lifetimes, who could help me see through the mud of grief, and whose calm and peaceful spirit illuminated a path forward. I think of a past business partner who stepped up, who practically glowed with the light of the Holy Spirit with his calming words and wisdom, in all facets, from materials science and engineering, to psychology, to His illumination of the scriptures. I think of a dude who played guitar in one of the bands I was in, who was suffering a multitude of his own issues from his military service, who reconnected, who was just willing to hang out on skype and pretty much just listen... albeit he did have his guitar on there (which was pretty cool)
And see, whether overtly spiritual or not, God used all of those folks and more to reach out to me in my times of greatest despair. And despite what i said about the need for experience and training for the body of Christ to assist in such, these folks, many of whom I had no contact with for decades or more came into my life just when I needed help the most.
