We are told that the battle belongs to the Lord. We are told to sit still, know He is God, and let Him fight for us. We are told to be courageous for the Lord our God fights for us. Yet....we are told also to fight.
I pray, every night, for a loved one who does not know God, has no interest in knowing Him, does not believe in God. He lives in darkness, in deception, and is so firmly imprisoned. My prayers feel like battles: I have to prepare, I have to persevere, and I have to be ready for the spiritual attacks that inevitably follow. I have to do battle. Is this my battle? I feel it is, I feel called to fight for this person in prayer and supplication, with faith and strength. When does my battle become God's? When does God's battle become mine? Or does it ever?
I pray, with every heartbeat, for my own life. For restoration, for healing, for direction, for miracles...for beauty to form from the ashes of my life. I pray with all my heart for this, because it's so difficult living when you're not really living. I am just sitting in the same spot, day after day, night after night, going to sleep each night hoping against hope that tomorrow will be the day my life begins again. I read and hear that I am to fight satan, to reclaim all that's been stolen and destroyed and perverted in my life. I am to not lay down and accept the crumbs I've been left with. I am to take up the sword of the spirit, my offensive weapon, and fight for my stuff back. So...this is my fight? Or God's?
God is not the God of confusion, but I'm confused. So many battles in my life right now, so many, and it's imperative that I know what I'm doing, that I'm fighting the right battles, and not fighting God's battles. But right now, they all are just melting together into one big exhausting lump of warfare.
I am very tired. I have fought hard to hold onto my faith through the losses that have beaten me up (and down) over the past three years. I have prayed, cried, sweated, studied, meditated, thought, discussed, cried some more....I have sent up praises that have felt like knives coming out of my mouth (if I'm being honest). I've not turned my back on God. But I'm tired.
I pray nightly for my children, my mom, my family, for my pets, for the people in my life that I love, and for myself, for my own future and my own rising from the ashes. I give thanks, and I do this in total sincerity, because I know how blessed I am in spite of and through out all of the storms. I praise God for who He is, powerful and mighty, the uncreated Creator, my Jehovah Jirah, El Roi, Jehovah Rophe, as Baal Perizim - the God of my breakthrough - as my King, my Savior, my Father. I intercede for a man who resists all ideas of a God, I allow my heart to be broken every night in prayer for this man, and I pray persistently without any outward sign of answer, with no indication that my prayers are helping or changing anything. I tell God (and remind myself) that my hope is in Him. Only Him.
That's something God gently brought home to me last week as I prayed...we say the words, we get used to saying the words, but He stopped me. "My hope is in You, Lord...You're the only hope I have...You are my hope..." Say that again, My child.
My hope is in You. That means only You. Not myself. Not my dreams of what I want my life to be. Not others, not their love, not their acceptance. Not a job, not financial stability. I can hope FOR these things, and God Himself knows I do. But I must not, can not, will not, hope IN them. And that takes conscious discipline. We all do it. We all place hope in what's around us, in who is around us, in what we dream is ahead of us. We even place our hope in our prayers, in our ability to word our prayers just the right way, use the right words, use the right phrases, the right closure...we hope in our prayers reaching God. But we need to actually and only hope IN God.
My hope for victory in all these battles is in God. My hope for the right battle plan is in God. My hope for the salvation of those I love, the protection and guidance of those I love is in God. My hope of ever again having any kind of life that feels worthwhile and happy and purposeful is in God.
"The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him. It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
Lamentations 3:25-26
I pray, every night, for a loved one who does not know God, has no interest in knowing Him, does not believe in God. He lives in darkness, in deception, and is so firmly imprisoned. My prayers feel like battles: I have to prepare, I have to persevere, and I have to be ready for the spiritual attacks that inevitably follow. I have to do battle. Is this my battle? I feel it is, I feel called to fight for this person in prayer and supplication, with faith and strength. When does my battle become God's? When does God's battle become mine? Or does it ever?
I pray, with every heartbeat, for my own life. For restoration, for healing, for direction, for miracles...for beauty to form from the ashes of my life. I pray with all my heart for this, because it's so difficult living when you're not really living. I am just sitting in the same spot, day after day, night after night, going to sleep each night hoping against hope that tomorrow will be the day my life begins again. I read and hear that I am to fight satan, to reclaim all that's been stolen and destroyed and perverted in my life. I am to not lay down and accept the crumbs I've been left with. I am to take up the sword of the spirit, my offensive weapon, and fight for my stuff back. So...this is my fight? Or God's?
God is not the God of confusion, but I'm confused. So many battles in my life right now, so many, and it's imperative that I know what I'm doing, that I'm fighting the right battles, and not fighting God's battles. But right now, they all are just melting together into one big exhausting lump of warfare.
I am very tired. I have fought hard to hold onto my faith through the losses that have beaten me up (and down) over the past three years. I have prayed, cried, sweated, studied, meditated, thought, discussed, cried some more....I have sent up praises that have felt like knives coming out of my mouth (if I'm being honest). I've not turned my back on God. But I'm tired.
I pray nightly for my children, my mom, my family, for my pets, for the people in my life that I love, and for myself, for my own future and my own rising from the ashes. I give thanks, and I do this in total sincerity, because I know how blessed I am in spite of and through out all of the storms. I praise God for who He is, powerful and mighty, the uncreated Creator, my Jehovah Jirah, El Roi, Jehovah Rophe, as Baal Perizim - the God of my breakthrough - as my King, my Savior, my Father. I intercede for a man who resists all ideas of a God, I allow my heart to be broken every night in prayer for this man, and I pray persistently without any outward sign of answer, with no indication that my prayers are helping or changing anything. I tell God (and remind myself) that my hope is in Him. Only Him.
That's something God gently brought home to me last week as I prayed...we say the words, we get used to saying the words, but He stopped me. "My hope is in You, Lord...You're the only hope I have...You are my hope..." Say that again, My child.
My hope is in You. That means only You. Not myself. Not my dreams of what I want my life to be. Not others, not their love, not their acceptance. Not a job, not financial stability. I can hope FOR these things, and God Himself knows I do. But I must not, can not, will not, hope IN them. And that takes conscious discipline. We all do it. We all place hope in what's around us, in who is around us, in what we dream is ahead of us. We even place our hope in our prayers, in our ability to word our prayers just the right way, use the right words, use the right phrases, the right closure...we hope in our prayers reaching God. But we need to actually and only hope IN God.
My hope for victory in all these battles is in God. My hope for the right battle plan is in God. My hope for the salvation of those I love, the protection and guidance of those I love is in God. My hope of ever again having any kind of life that feels worthwhile and happy and purposeful is in God.
"The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him. It is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
Lamentations 3:25-26
