I'm 44 years old and it seems the more I try to do the right thing the worst my life becomes. Growing up my father abused me verbally, emotionally, and physically. I know he had a horrible up bringing, but now I'm trying to sort my life out and I am finding it extremely hard.
I married someone who controls me like my father with the exception of the physical abuse. He trained our children to disrespect me. They would tell me that I had to earn their respect "IF" I wanted them to respect me. Words right out of their daddy's mouth. Now they are older (high school & college) & they still talk to me disrespectfully. My oldest daughter is college & is starting to realize she should change. But, she is gone & I am at home with my youngest daughter and her dad who continue to treat me like I am a nobody
I know I have reacted to the things they have done to me. I need to correct that, but it seems like when I try I only make it worse!
He tells me to tell him what I need. So, I do and he ignores me. He puts his mother first, himself, our girls, others, then me. He does things so it looks as if I am the one causing the problems.
People who are close to us will tell me what they think about him & how he treats me, but when they are around him they act as if he is the best thing. My father is the worst about that. My husband will do something and I get hurt and say something (react) and my father will tell me not to get so bothered! To me the way they (some family members) act is letting my husband know they approve of how he treats me. Then behind his back they tell me how horrible he treats me! ARG!!!
I struggle because I am a Christian & I have tried to do what the Bible says - turn the other cheek & no matter how someone treats you - you do what's right in the eyes of the Lord. But, I guess I'm just not as much of a Christian as I thought I was.
I read the Bible, I go to church, listen to Christian radio & T.V., talk to my pastor & best friend who is a licensed clinical social worker & I still fail. I try to do what's right for long periods of time & then I just can't do it. I am not encouraged, my husband has NEVER encouraged me or backed me to do anything except what he thinks should be done.
I am SO MAD at myself for having the feelings of giving up and just leave town and leave it all behind. I am mad because I should be better than this.
I am tired of having this guilt complex!!!
I'm responsible for everyone and their mess ups! Right?!?!?!
The Bible says that I am to speak life. So I do & I'm all alone in the middle of people.
I'll do harm if I leave & I'll do harm if I stay.
My desire is to have a husband who loves, honors & cherrish & adores me.
I can give it, but I can't if I'm the only one who does. We have been married 22 1/2 years. Especially when all around me is that same old stuff ringing in my ear "why can't you be like ..." "why can't you do anything right" like my father use to tell me.
I LONG to be held, told I am loved, I'm pretty, I'm smart (at least sorta) want to be with, & protected.
I am hollow.
Thank you for listening.
I married someone who controls me like my father with the exception of the physical abuse. He trained our children to disrespect me. They would tell me that I had to earn their respect "IF" I wanted them to respect me. Words right out of their daddy's mouth. Now they are older (high school & college) & they still talk to me disrespectfully. My oldest daughter is college & is starting to realize she should change. But, she is gone & I am at home with my youngest daughter and her dad who continue to treat me like I am a nobody
I know I have reacted to the things they have done to me. I need to correct that, but it seems like when I try I only make it worse!
He tells me to tell him what I need. So, I do and he ignores me. He puts his mother first, himself, our girls, others, then me. He does things so it looks as if I am the one causing the problems.
People who are close to us will tell me what they think about him & how he treats me, but when they are around him they act as if he is the best thing. My father is the worst about that. My husband will do something and I get hurt and say something (react) and my father will tell me not to get so bothered! To me the way they (some family members) act is letting my husband know they approve of how he treats me. Then behind his back they tell me how horrible he treats me! ARG!!!
I struggle because I am a Christian & I have tried to do what the Bible says - turn the other cheek & no matter how someone treats you - you do what's right in the eyes of the Lord. But, I guess I'm just not as much of a Christian as I thought I was.
I read the Bible, I go to church, listen to Christian radio & T.V., talk to my pastor & best friend who is a licensed clinical social worker & I still fail. I try to do what's right for long periods of time & then I just can't do it. I am not encouraged, my husband has NEVER encouraged me or backed me to do anything except what he thinks should be done.
I am SO MAD at myself for having the feelings of giving up and just leave town and leave it all behind. I am mad because I should be better than this.
I am tired of having this guilt complex!!!
I'm responsible for everyone and their mess ups! Right?!?!?!
The Bible says that I am to speak life. So I do & I'm all alone in the middle of people.
I'll do harm if I leave & I'll do harm if I stay.
My desire is to have a husband who loves, honors & cherrish & adores me.
I can give it, but I can't if I'm the only one who does. We have been married 22 1/2 years. Especially when all around me is that same old stuff ringing in my ear "why can't you be like ..." "why can't you do anything right" like my father use to tell me.
I LONG to be held, told I am loved, I'm pretty, I'm smart (at least sorta) want to be with, & protected.
I am hollow.
Thank you for listening.
