I'm realizing... I took so many blows at work, started to see stars at some point (figuratively speaking), yet tried my hardest to remain hopeful and give a Godly response through it all. And, you know, I'm under no illusion that I handled everything perfectly (or could have even if I'd tried to), but I did sincerely try my hardest to do the right thing. Even so, the more I was gaslighted, the more I was beat down - the harder it became to see things clearly... therefore my responses and response time weren't as clearly defined or executed as timely as they normally would have been.
The thing is... somewhere along the way, as the abusive environment wore me more and more thin... I got really hung up on the pain and picked up pride as a way to nurse that pain; I began to carry pride on my shoulders. As pride became my covering, Christ became harder and harder for me to see. I NEVER want to go that route again. The goal of my aggressors was to break me down, to take away the healthy confidence that I had. Picking up this pride happened when I chose to no longer depend on Christ as my covering but, instead, to take matters into my own hands. I, by no means, "took matters into my own hands" at a verbal or physical level, as my enemies did. For me, it was more of an internal, self-destructive kind of control.
I lost sight of an important part of the Christian life:
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10
These tormentors tried with all of their might to expose my weaknesses and create feelings of shame and humiliation within me as a result of those weaknesses. Here is the main problem that I had through it all: I became ashamed of my weakness. I should have been accepting and glad even, in my weakness, because it would have been precisely there where all the strength needed would have been found. I should have kept the attitude towards those people of "So what? I make mistakes, I'm not perfect, and I have weaknesses. I'm human, this is typical - If you cut me, do I not bleed? It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with me." And thought to myself, "these weaknesses being brought to the surface are simply more reasons to delight in the Lord, because His power is about to be revealed through my weakness." I must stop being so hard on myself and simply embrace my weaknesses as a normal part of life... no shame there.
AND...
7 Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. 8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.
James 4:7-10
Pride could never supplement the pain of my broken heart or convince my heart into really being okay; pride would only bring nasty infection which would fester and grow more with each passing day adhered to. Only Christ should cover and can mend the broken pieces of my wounded heart.
While I'm being slandered, defamed, scorned... I'm to resist taking reaction to such behavior, even if the reaction taken is only within my heart, for such behavior is simply meant to bring defilement to me. As it happens, yes speak truth when needed to support/take care of myself, to promote my good health, but beyond that... Those who slander, defame, scorn - let them run the line like a fish, wear themselves out, and carry on in that behavior. But I will be over here in the other corner drawing close to my God, laying down my temptation to pick up pride, and recognizing that this pain I have is something that I must bring to HIM; this pain is not something that I can fix on my own, in pride. I must trust Him to mend my broken heart... trust Him to bring my vindication... in His own way and in His own time.
The thing is... somewhere along the way, as the abusive environment wore me more and more thin... I got really hung up on the pain and picked up pride as a way to nurse that pain; I began to carry pride on my shoulders. As pride became my covering, Christ became harder and harder for me to see. I NEVER want to go that route again. The goal of my aggressors was to break me down, to take away the healthy confidence that I had. Picking up this pride happened when I chose to no longer depend on Christ as my covering but, instead, to take matters into my own hands. I, by no means, "took matters into my own hands" at a verbal or physical level, as my enemies did. For me, it was more of an internal, self-destructive kind of control.
I lost sight of an important part of the Christian life:
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 Corinthians 12:7-10
These tormentors tried with all of their might to expose my weaknesses and create feelings of shame and humiliation within me as a result of those weaknesses. Here is the main problem that I had through it all: I became ashamed of my weakness. I should have been accepting and glad even, in my weakness, because it would have been precisely there where all the strength needed would have been found. I should have kept the attitude towards those people of "So what? I make mistakes, I'm not perfect, and I have weaknesses. I'm human, this is typical - If you cut me, do I not bleed? It doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with me." And thought to myself, "these weaknesses being brought to the surface are simply more reasons to delight in the Lord, because His power is about to be revealed through my weakness." I must stop being so hard on myself and simply embrace my weaknesses as a normal part of life... no shame there.
AND...
7 Therefore submit to God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you. 8 Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners; and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Lament and mourn and weep! Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves in the sight of the Lord, and He will lift you up.
James 4:7-10
Pride could never supplement the pain of my broken heart or convince my heart into really being okay; pride would only bring nasty infection which would fester and grow more with each passing day adhered to. Only Christ should cover and can mend the broken pieces of my wounded heart.
While I'm being slandered, defamed, scorned... I'm to resist taking reaction to such behavior, even if the reaction taken is only within my heart, for such behavior is simply meant to bring defilement to me. As it happens, yes speak truth when needed to support/take care of myself, to promote my good health, but beyond that... Those who slander, defame, scorn - let them run the line like a fish, wear themselves out, and carry on in that behavior. But I will be over here in the other corner drawing close to my God, laying down my temptation to pick up pride, and recognizing that this pain I have is something that I must bring to HIM; this pain is not something that I can fix on my own, in pride. I must trust Him to mend my broken heart... trust Him to bring my vindication... in His own way and in His own time.
