Well I guess I need to explain what it is I'm healing from.
To do that I must start in 1970... the year I was born. My humm not really sure what to call him. The man who helped create me, some would say dad. Anyway he stayed around for awhile and left before I was born. Never even held me, decided that he just was not ready to be a dad. So hurt number one, abandoned.
Then fast forward a couple of years to step-father number one. I only have one memory of him, yelling at me. "If you don't eat your dinner, you will be eating it for breakfast!" Then he left after my sister was born. Hurt number two, not good enough.
So now we go to step-father number two, I'm now seven years old. Well he decided he liked me a lot, I mean to much. Not sure when this started somewhere between age 7 and 9. I won't go into details, just know this was defiantly hurt number 3 to 100!! There was verbal, physical and sexual abuse. This abuse went on through the rest of my childhood, until I moved out at 17. Well not true... it did stop after I moved out. But then right before I turned 20 my son was four weeks old, my step-father decided to pay a visit. He thought it had been long enough since my baby was born, ... last and final rape I had to endure. I had a voice and told him I would tell if he ever came around me again! Why didn't I tell anyone? My husband, police,... I don't have an answer. All I know for sure is that I was able to tell him what I wanted to tell him all of those years, STOP!
So I think that day not only stopped him, it stopped my memories too. Everything was stored in a locked box somewhere.
Twenty years, 3 kids and finding my "real" Father later. Life has been full of sadness and lots of hard work. Also lots of good times too. Then life got so hard, I shut down totally. Not by choice believe me, in the past when life got hard I would just get busy. This time was different, I could do nothing. If I could of I would of stayed in bed. Then as more days past I would of died. Believe me I spent many days planning that, writing good bye letters.
That was two years ago and many things have changed. I will share that in my next post.
To do that I must start in 1970... the year I was born. My humm not really sure what to call him. The man who helped create me, some would say dad. Anyway he stayed around for awhile and left before I was born. Never even held me, decided that he just was not ready to be a dad. So hurt number one, abandoned.
Then fast forward a couple of years to step-father number one. I only have one memory of him, yelling at me. "If you don't eat your dinner, you will be eating it for breakfast!" Then he left after my sister was born. Hurt number two, not good enough.
So now we go to step-father number two, I'm now seven years old. Well he decided he liked me a lot, I mean to much. Not sure when this started somewhere between age 7 and 9. I won't go into details, just know this was defiantly hurt number 3 to 100!! There was verbal, physical and sexual abuse. This abuse went on through the rest of my childhood, until I moved out at 17. Well not true... it did stop after I moved out. But then right before I turned 20 my son was four weeks old, my step-father decided to pay a visit. He thought it had been long enough since my baby was born, ... last and final rape I had to endure. I had a voice and told him I would tell if he ever came around me again! Why didn't I tell anyone? My husband, police,... I don't have an answer. All I know for sure is that I was able to tell him what I wanted to tell him all of those years, STOP!
So I think that day not only stopped him, it stopped my memories too. Everything was stored in a locked box somewhere.
Twenty years, 3 kids and finding my "real" Father later. Life has been full of sadness and lots of hard work. Also lots of good times too. Then life got so hard, I shut down totally. Not by choice believe me, in the past when life got hard I would just get busy. This time was different, I could do nothing. If I could of I would of stayed in bed. Then as more days past I would of died. Believe me I spent many days planning that, writing good bye letters.
That was two years ago and many things have changed. I will share that in my next post.
