From this past abuse... I'm taking it day by day to heal. I'm a good deal stronger, healthier, more at peace now than I was a year ago. So I know that being patient and taking the time to just let God sift through everything and purify me is truly worth it and that progress is being achieved in my life. It's so hard sometimes because I just want to get on with it already... but God's timing is so different than my own. I know that I want my energy and happiness back, but God is not through shaping me through this process. God is going to take the bad situation that I went through... and not allow the pain I experienced to just go to waste. God is making something beautiful FROM the pain I experienced... God is using what satan meant for evil and turning it around for His good and His glory. I have to trust in that and keep looking up knowing that.
My nervous system has been so out-of-whack for such a long time, I was in fight-or-flight mode for so long that I'm surprised I'm okay now and that things are, in fact, turning around. It's not by my own power, it's by God in heaven's. Thank You Jesus, I love You Jesus. The days still feel like 3 days each sometimes but it's getting better. Slowly but surely. Things are starting to "normalize" again. Oh how long have I been praying for this turnaround. Thank You God... I "praise You in this storm". Some days I get so depressed when I see people that remind me of my former self, before the abuse. It just shows me the contrast of who I was before to who I am now... and it reminds me of how far I've fallen. It's in those times when I say to myself "Enough already! It's time to get back to my good old self." And then I try to make it happen, it doesn't work, it makes me feels ill and I fall back into God's arms and ask Him, please heal me. I want my spunk back. I want my energy back. I want my passion for life back. Once I'm healed, I plan to be my old self again, but the only thing that will be different is that I will pay closer attention to the way that my actions affect others... pay attention to the level of my pride... and seek God more diligently. I was always nice to people before, a very caring person, but I can think back and see some times where I might not have meant anything bad, but I could have come off that way because I was pretty oblivious to how certain behaviors might affect others. I guess that's the main good that God is bringing from all of this.
When I start to get those feelings of panic and fright... I remind myself... I'm no longer in that chaotic and abusive environment, no need to hold on tight, no need to clamp down, no need to use every boundary I have inside of myself in every situation, no need to constantly think "is this an appropriate action I'm receiving?"; it's okay now. I can rest, relax, and just be now... I can take it easy now; I can sit and heal. A big problem I've had lately during these times of panic and fright... is lust. Wanting to give in to sexual temptation. Thinking that falling in the arms of a guy and fulfilling fleshly desires will do the trick, will take away this fear and pain, will ease my mind and bring comfort. Well, that would be perfectly fine if I were married... but I'm not, can't do that. I came frighteningly close to giving in a few weeks ago and (possibly) opening up a can of worms that may have never shut until complete and utter destruction resulted. No we are told to RUN from sexual sin. I've actively had to fight that over the last few weeks. I'm sure it WOULD have brought temporary comfort, but it would have become like a drug to me that I needed to get by... and I would have ended up in further bondage than I already have been in. I passed the test and I am starting to see even more of a turnaround in my healing from the pain... as I've poured out that pain and fear I've been struggling with tremendously to GOD.
I must show the kindness to myself that I was deprived of for so long. There came a point during the abuse that I started to hate myself and hold myself responsible for allowing myself to be hurt over and over again. But I was not the person that the abuse originated from; the abuse was cast onto me against my will. I never asked for the abuse. When I asserted myself, when I stated my boundaries, when I tried to go on like normal and continue life in a healthy way, MORE abuse was heaped onto me. I was never against myself. I was always FOR life, peace, and good health... I was always FOR my own well-being and others. The abuser, she was responsible for what she did to me, not me in any stretch of the imagination. I've always been a very peaceful, amicable person... so I don't claim the title of being violent against myself or anyone else. The abuser used violence against ME... not the other way around. And I was right when I exposed her. That was the honorable and moral thing to do. It would have been immoral had I let it go on forever.
Thank You God for protecting me in the storm. Thank You God for revealing the truth to others so that I don't have to live in fear anymore. Thank You God... I love You. I love You... I love You... I love You!!!
My nervous system has been so out-of-whack for such a long time, I was in fight-or-flight mode for so long that I'm surprised I'm okay now and that things are, in fact, turning around. It's not by my own power, it's by God in heaven's. Thank You Jesus, I love You Jesus. The days still feel like 3 days each sometimes but it's getting better. Slowly but surely. Things are starting to "normalize" again. Oh how long have I been praying for this turnaround. Thank You God... I "praise You in this storm". Some days I get so depressed when I see people that remind me of my former self, before the abuse. It just shows me the contrast of who I was before to who I am now... and it reminds me of how far I've fallen. It's in those times when I say to myself "Enough already! It's time to get back to my good old self." And then I try to make it happen, it doesn't work, it makes me feels ill and I fall back into God's arms and ask Him, please heal me. I want my spunk back. I want my energy back. I want my passion for life back. Once I'm healed, I plan to be my old self again, but the only thing that will be different is that I will pay closer attention to the way that my actions affect others... pay attention to the level of my pride... and seek God more diligently. I was always nice to people before, a very caring person, but I can think back and see some times where I might not have meant anything bad, but I could have come off that way because I was pretty oblivious to how certain behaviors might affect others. I guess that's the main good that God is bringing from all of this.
When I start to get those feelings of panic and fright... I remind myself... I'm no longer in that chaotic and abusive environment, no need to hold on tight, no need to clamp down, no need to use every boundary I have inside of myself in every situation, no need to constantly think "is this an appropriate action I'm receiving?"; it's okay now. I can rest, relax, and just be now... I can take it easy now; I can sit and heal. A big problem I've had lately during these times of panic and fright... is lust. Wanting to give in to sexual temptation. Thinking that falling in the arms of a guy and fulfilling fleshly desires will do the trick, will take away this fear and pain, will ease my mind and bring comfort. Well, that would be perfectly fine if I were married... but I'm not, can't do that. I came frighteningly close to giving in a few weeks ago and (possibly) opening up a can of worms that may have never shut until complete and utter destruction resulted. No we are told to RUN from sexual sin. I've actively had to fight that over the last few weeks. I'm sure it WOULD have brought temporary comfort, but it would have become like a drug to me that I needed to get by... and I would have ended up in further bondage than I already have been in. I passed the test and I am starting to see even more of a turnaround in my healing from the pain... as I've poured out that pain and fear I've been struggling with tremendously to GOD.
I must show the kindness to myself that I was deprived of for so long. There came a point during the abuse that I started to hate myself and hold myself responsible for allowing myself to be hurt over and over again. But I was not the person that the abuse originated from; the abuse was cast onto me against my will. I never asked for the abuse. When I asserted myself, when I stated my boundaries, when I tried to go on like normal and continue life in a healthy way, MORE abuse was heaped onto me. I was never against myself. I was always FOR life, peace, and good health... I was always FOR my own well-being and others. The abuser, she was responsible for what she did to me, not me in any stretch of the imagination. I've always been a very peaceful, amicable person... so I don't claim the title of being violent against myself or anyone else. The abuser used violence against ME... not the other way around. And I was right when I exposed her. That was the honorable and moral thing to do. It would have been immoral had I let it go on forever.
Thank You God for protecting me in the storm. Thank You God for revealing the truth to others so that I don't have to live in fear anymore. Thank You God... I love You. I love You... I love You... I love You!!!
