Man, today is just a horrid day for my emotions. I've gotten sick, fought with my boyfriend, feel like i've lost what little spirituality that I had, and am just very lonely.
My InterVarsity Christian Fellowship at my school is a seemingly great place to go and yet I feel like such an outcast that it just pushes me to go hang out at parties and get drunk with people who will accept me. Why is it that christians who are supposed to love you regardless I often feel very excluded from. I'm a relatively shy person so it's not like I can jsut walk up to people and be a part of them. I just thought that making friends there would make me feel better and instead it makes me feel so much worse.
My boyfriend and I were such a happy couple. we had our fights like every other couple but lately because of my disappearing christianity and him trying to strengthen his I just feel like I'm bringing him down and my heart says i should let him go in order to let him get closer to God and yet I can't seem to do that because I love and care for him so much.
Because of my assaults I have no idea where I stand with God. People say he is waiting with his arms open for me and if that's true why do I feel like he's not even paying any attention to me. Like he's just ignoring me and letting hurt happen to me. Yes I understand we have free will and must face the consequences of that.. but why must I be haunted by the looming possibility that he wont be there to catch me next time I fall. I just don't understand how he can give up his own son to die for us and show that He is love and all that stuff and yet I can feel so unloved and alone and seperated from him. I can read the bible and yet I always have doubts. I think up ways that the Bible could just be another made up book by some old guy a really long time ago. What makes it the words of God that he wrote? Because some guys "heard" the words and the instructions to write them down.
Why is it that I have a lot going for me and yet I still feel alone. and yes I know it's cause I don't have God, because if I were to have him he would make my life whole and such but how can i trust and have someone or somethign there.. that i don't feel, that doesn't protect me, that lets me get hurt, that i can't see, or touch, or feel, or hear.. It just doesn't make sense to me to put all this energy into trying to establish a one-sided relationship to me.
And what's worse about all this is I'm not sure what motivates me to even try to be a christian. Is it my boyfriend? Is it friends? Is it for the appearance? Is it because I actually want God? I doubt that. I just am soo lost and trying to find help and guidance and there seems to be noone in my life who understands what I'm going through.. They always tell me the same crap I've heard for years.
I'm going to a new small group type of thing: Focus on the Family's the Truth Project. And I liked the first lesson (we've only had one) and yet I still can't take what i've heard and apply it to my life. It's just not possible to me for some reason. Because what I hear is great for some people, but it doesn't work with me.
My boyfriend keeps mentioning these four walls that christians get stuck in and he wants to break out of his.. and I'm very content in mine. My thoughts are incredibly selfish I find. I'll do things for God only if I get some credit. I'll act like a christian if it makes me look good. The smaller my box is the "happier" I am. less hurt and I can control things on my own. Yes it's lonelier but I'm able to do things my way.
Why is it that in some cases you just feel a cry coming, but you get SOOO angry you don't want to cry and you fight it and fight it. Then when you do cry it's a good hard one but can only last maybe 5 minutes than it's done and you no longer feel like cryign and you feel much better EVEN THOUGH nothing changed. nothing was fixed, nothing was altered, nothing went away, NOTHING AT ALL!! and yet you feel better?
Why is it that I can get into a fight with my boyfriend and want nothing more than for him to go away but then as soon as he decides to leave I don't want him to.. but am too proud to say wether he should go or stay. then he leaves and i start bawling. Like what happens if he leaves because I can't be the same level of christian as him? What will i do then?
That brings up a valid point.. why are there different levels of christian? Is it like bhuddism where once you reach enlightenment you win and don't have to come back to earth... or is that hinduism. Doesn't matter... but seriously.. it's kinda like some christians are way better than others. I don't get it. I must be like way at the bottom.. level 0 almost.. maybe a negative even.
So why if I have all of this down with christianity attitude do I strive to find Him so bad.. Like why do i keep doing this to myself? Because that's what God made us to do? Possible... I just flat out don't know anymore.
sooo lost and confused and frustrated and angry and sad and whatever other emotions I can feel at one time..
Great now I'm a basketcase.. woot.. anyways off to class to be happy
... :l...
My InterVarsity Christian Fellowship at my school is a seemingly great place to go and yet I feel like such an outcast that it just pushes me to go hang out at parties and get drunk with people who will accept me. Why is it that christians who are supposed to love you regardless I often feel very excluded from. I'm a relatively shy person so it's not like I can jsut walk up to people and be a part of them. I just thought that making friends there would make me feel better and instead it makes me feel so much worse.
My boyfriend and I were such a happy couple. we had our fights like every other couple but lately because of my disappearing christianity and him trying to strengthen his I just feel like I'm bringing him down and my heart says i should let him go in order to let him get closer to God and yet I can't seem to do that because I love and care for him so much.
Because of my assaults I have no idea where I stand with God. People say he is waiting with his arms open for me and if that's true why do I feel like he's not even paying any attention to me. Like he's just ignoring me and letting hurt happen to me. Yes I understand we have free will and must face the consequences of that.. but why must I be haunted by the looming possibility that he wont be there to catch me next time I fall. I just don't understand how he can give up his own son to die for us and show that He is love and all that stuff and yet I can feel so unloved and alone and seperated from him. I can read the bible and yet I always have doubts. I think up ways that the Bible could just be another made up book by some old guy a really long time ago. What makes it the words of God that he wrote? Because some guys "heard" the words and the instructions to write them down.
Why is it that I have a lot going for me and yet I still feel alone. and yes I know it's cause I don't have God, because if I were to have him he would make my life whole and such but how can i trust and have someone or somethign there.. that i don't feel, that doesn't protect me, that lets me get hurt, that i can't see, or touch, or feel, or hear.. It just doesn't make sense to me to put all this energy into trying to establish a one-sided relationship to me.
And what's worse about all this is I'm not sure what motivates me to even try to be a christian. Is it my boyfriend? Is it friends? Is it for the appearance? Is it because I actually want God? I doubt that. I just am soo lost and trying to find help and guidance and there seems to be noone in my life who understands what I'm going through.. They always tell me the same crap I've heard for years.
I'm going to a new small group type of thing: Focus on the Family's the Truth Project. And I liked the first lesson (we've only had one) and yet I still can't take what i've heard and apply it to my life. It's just not possible to me for some reason. Because what I hear is great for some people, but it doesn't work with me.
My boyfriend keeps mentioning these four walls that christians get stuck in and he wants to break out of his.. and I'm very content in mine. My thoughts are incredibly selfish I find. I'll do things for God only if I get some credit. I'll act like a christian if it makes me look good. The smaller my box is the "happier" I am. less hurt and I can control things on my own. Yes it's lonelier but I'm able to do things my way.
Why is it that in some cases you just feel a cry coming, but you get SOOO angry you don't want to cry and you fight it and fight it. Then when you do cry it's a good hard one but can only last maybe 5 minutes than it's done and you no longer feel like cryign and you feel much better EVEN THOUGH nothing changed. nothing was fixed, nothing was altered, nothing went away, NOTHING AT ALL!! and yet you feel better?
Why is it that I can get into a fight with my boyfriend and want nothing more than for him to go away but then as soon as he decides to leave I don't want him to.. but am too proud to say wether he should go or stay. then he leaves and i start bawling. Like what happens if he leaves because I can't be the same level of christian as him? What will i do then?
That brings up a valid point.. why are there different levels of christian? Is it like bhuddism where once you reach enlightenment you win and don't have to come back to earth... or is that hinduism. Doesn't matter... but seriously.. it's kinda like some christians are way better than others. I don't get it. I must be like way at the bottom.. level 0 almost.. maybe a negative even.
So why if I have all of this down with christianity attitude do I strive to find Him so bad.. Like why do i keep doing this to myself? Because that's what God made us to do? Possible... I just flat out don't know anymore.
sooo lost and confused and frustrated and angry and sad and whatever other emotions I can feel at one time..
Great now I'm a basketcase.. woot.. anyways off to class to be happy
... :l...
