Yesterday was my oldest son Joshua's 18th birthday. It's hard to believe that it was eighteen years ago that I stood by my brides side, watching this wonder present himself to the world. As our family doctor announced that it was a boy: pride, wonder ,dreams, hope, adventure -- they all came flooding to the surface. I had a son!
Twenty-eight months later, to the day, I would bury that son; a victim of the ravages of cancer.
And so yesterday, I went to his grave -- to wish him a happy birthday. Not for his sake, but for mine.
I find it hard to imagine what he would be like at eighteen. He would likely be starting his senior year in high school, probably somewhat rebellious and searching for independence. I suppose that he would have a girlfriend, a car, a part time job earning minimum wage. Hopefully he would have plans for the future, for college and a career. And most importantly, I would pray that he would love God with all of his heart.
I also wonder what our relationship would be like. My last memory of him is holding him in my arms as he slipped out of this matrix that we live in, but I wonder what we would be like if he were here today. I have two other sons; my relationship with both of them is very different. I like that. I wonder what Josh and I would be like. Would we camp together, discuss the great things of God, or maybe race motorcycles?
I feel bad sometimes that I don't miss him as much as I think that I should. Most of the pain of his loss has dissipated, and in its place is just this haunting thought of what might have been.
And so yesterday, I went to his grave -- to wish him a happy birthday.
As I was there, I began talking to him. Don't know if he heard me, don't understand those things. And it really didn't matter. It wasn't for him, it was for me. But as I spoke to him, a realization came to me: living in the presence of Jesus, Josh at eighteen understands so much more of all that I would hope to teach him than he ever would have on this side of the equation. He understands those mysteries and the wonder of it all that I so long to know. He has none of the doubts or fears that I carry. He truly is grown up in ways that I can not even imagine. I am so proud of him.
And so yesterday, standing at his grave, I wished him a happy birthday. Happy birthday Josh. I love you!
To the King,
David
For more, check out our website:
www.knightvisionministries.com
or
http://blog.knightvisionministries.com
Twenty-eight months later, to the day, I would bury that son; a victim of the ravages of cancer.
And so yesterday, I went to his grave -- to wish him a happy birthday. Not for his sake, but for mine.
I find it hard to imagine what he would be like at eighteen. He would likely be starting his senior year in high school, probably somewhat rebellious and searching for independence. I suppose that he would have a girlfriend, a car, a part time job earning minimum wage. Hopefully he would have plans for the future, for college and a career. And most importantly, I would pray that he would love God with all of his heart.
I also wonder what our relationship would be like. My last memory of him is holding him in my arms as he slipped out of this matrix that we live in, but I wonder what we would be like if he were here today. I have two other sons; my relationship with both of them is very different. I like that. I wonder what Josh and I would be like. Would we camp together, discuss the great things of God, or maybe race motorcycles?
I feel bad sometimes that I don't miss him as much as I think that I should. Most of the pain of his loss has dissipated, and in its place is just this haunting thought of what might have been.
And so yesterday, I went to his grave -- to wish him a happy birthday.
As I was there, I began talking to him. Don't know if he heard me, don't understand those things. And it really didn't matter. It wasn't for him, it was for me. But as I spoke to him, a realization came to me: living in the presence of Jesus, Josh at eighteen understands so much more of all that I would hope to teach him than he ever would have on this side of the equation. He understands those mysteries and the wonder of it all that I so long to know. He has none of the doubts or fears that I carry. He truly is grown up in ways that I can not even imagine. I am so proud of him.
And so yesterday, standing at his grave, I wished him a happy birthday. Happy birthday Josh. I love you!
To the King,
David
For more, check out our website:
www.knightvisionministries.com
or
http://blog.knightvisionministries.com
